I'm going anon for this post. I have lurked for a few months on DWIL and have discovered just how messed up my normal meter is. So first off, thank you DWIL!! You guys have showed me the light!
BG: My MOO has never had an honest conversation with me about my father. She was 22 when she had me and we lived with my grandparents. My grandmother was a massive narc. She died 5 year ago. My grandfather is living and I have a HUGE unicorn for him. Every time I asked MOO about my father, she would yell at me and act "put out" that I even asked. She would often tell me "just get over it". Every father's day has always been difficult for me because I would get sad. My grandparents were no help. They claim they don't know who he is. My birth certificate says "unknown".
The thing is, and it gets rather complicated, I know (about 90% sure) who he is. My mom met him while working at a restaurant through a co-worker (I'll call her Aunt). During my early childhood, we spent lots of time with Aunt and her kids. I think I remember my father a few times from these interactions. Aunt confirmed later years that he is my father. I didn't have the courage to ask more than that though so no idea why he isn't in my life.
I have Aunt's contact info and could write a letter to her. She is a nice lady and I know she would pass along the info for me. I haven't seen her in a few years but when I have run into her our her daughter, they are very kind to me.
But, my anger at my mom bubbles up. I feel like I want to confront her and hear from her what happened.
I do know that my father is married w/2 college age children. I don't know more than that.
I'm not looking to have a close relationship with him necessarily. I just want to know who he is and hear his side of the story. If a relationship progresses, fine but I'm not going to get my hopes up.
I have a 2 year old DS. Since having him, I have realized what a shitty mother I have. I see all I do for him and realize that she didn't give me an ounce of consideration. I'm really struggling with all of that.
I should also note that growing up with a narc grandmother was massively damaging as you guys can imagine. She always made sure to let me know that she was ashamed that my mom had me "out of wedlock". She told me my mom wanted to put me up for adoption and already had a "nice Christian couple" picked out but changed her mind at the last minute and kept me. She always pointed out that mom's friends came first (she was right on this account) and if it weren't for her and grandpa we would be "one of those people on welfare". I have to say that I'm so glad she is dead. It took me a while to realize that it is ok to be happy she is dead. I feel no guilt saying that. I could go on and on with all of the things she said to me.
I think my mom things we are close. But the truth is I'm really starting to hate her. In my adult years (I'm nearly 40), we have had a decent relationship. I live far away so that helps I'm sure. But I have realized that maybe we have a good relationship because I have rug swept so much stuff. I think if I confronted her I would really see her true colors.
Should I circumvent or confront? Or both? Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I'll provide any additional information needed. ETA: Aunt is indeed my bio Aunt. She is my alleged father's sister.