So, I've lurked here for a while and I've read through the sticky. I was able to get a couple of the recommended books from our library and I feel like DH and I are slowly getting to where we need to be.
Our issue is with his parents. I'm gonna try to be short with the background but want to hit on some of the major points, it might get a little lengthy but is all relative to the situation.
Background: DH is the scapegoat to his older brother the golden child. His brother was put on a huge pedestal (especially within the church, they had him giving sermons by age 8 ) It was decided that his brother was anointed and destined to do great things within the church, and this pedestal probably has a lot to do with why BIL has turned into such a huge Narc.
DH had a very rough and abusive childhood. His mother (my martyr-in-law) was a stay at home mom and enabler to his BSC father who also didn't work. They moved around a lot, lived in homeless shelters, and went back and forth from the U.S. and Puerto Rico (where they're from). Eventually they got section 8 and disability and continue to mooch off family. His father is an alcoholic and has been addicted to pills. He is prone to fits of rage and gets very childish/aggressive when he doesn't get his way.
***TRIGGER*** FIL was physically abusive and deranged. My DH (at a young age) woke up to their dog making a strange sound and looked out his window to see his father hanging him. More recently (5-6 years ago) FIL was arrested after physically attacking my MIL and my DH threw him out the front the door, FIL attacked the police when they came. ***endtrigger***
Those are just a couple examples with many other things inbetween. He is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and is mostly sober now so everyone rugsweeps and moves on.
My DH and his brother had to drop out of school to work and provide for their parents. My ILs took loans out in their names, but bills in their names, and made a huge financial mess that we're still working on cleaning up. BIL married and moved out shortly before DH and I started dating. Him and his wife have two kids (age 3 and 1) and hate being parents. MIL and FIL have the kids most of the time when they aren't in daycare, even though FIL is aggressive and hates children.
When I started dating DH he lived with his parents. He worked 40-50 hours a week and mil kept his debit card on her for "household expenses". He barely saw a dime he made and had no idea where anything went. He started coming out of the fog when we were together and when we got engaged I took over our finances. There were a lot of boundary stomps with the wedding but we ended up living a few minutes away from them.
DH enlisted in the Army and went off to BCT and his parents moved two hours south after a huge fight with BIL (now rug swept). His parents would be in town every other week for a week, back and forth. This was before DWIL and back when I believed I HAD to play nice with the inlaws. Everytime they came I would have dinner with them and visit. During this time I found out they had continued to put things in my DH's name and things were dropping into collections from when they moved (they just up and moved without settling ANY bills/debts). I was furious but (dumb me) didn't want to "pick a fight" until I could talk to DH.
They boundary stomped a lot at his graduation and tried to force me out of "family" pictures (we had been married a year at this point). I told DH about how they were stealing from us when I drove him to AIT (I transported him alone). We agreed he would talk to them and I would stay mum about it.
During his AIT (training after boot camp for his job) his parents expected me to continuing coming to the bi-weekly dinners and I did. I mostly played with the babies and kept it short. Towards the end, DH became a holdover and was forced to stay an extra month. The day I found out was also the same day I found out my father's cancer returned. It happened to be a day my inlaws came and that I was "summoned" for dinner. I didn't answer my phone and stayed in emotionally processing things.
***End background and on to main issue:
So, (end of August) DH is finally coming home after 6 months away and told his family I would be picking him up and we would see them in a couple days. On my way to the airport BIL calls me and curses me out for not letting him come with me to get DH. I completely JADED but held my ground on some alone time with DH. We got a hotel on the water and needed to just be together for a while. So BIL demands that I have DH call him when he lands. I gave DH the message and told him what his brother said to me and he decided not to call him.![;)]( ";)")
That whole day and night BIL, MIL, and FIL are BLOWING UP our phones. DH finally answers BIL's call and goes off on him for the craziness. BIL comes up with the crazy argument of how they didn't know if he was safe or not, after all he was on a plane earlier!!! DH shut that shit down and told him he needed to spend time with his wife and would see them in a couple days. BIL argued that because I was moving with him (only three hours away btw) that he should spend all his time with them. Ironic, since BIL couldn't even be bothered to write DH when he was in bootcamp.
DH was home for home recruitment for two weeks, so he worked during the day. The day before we were going to see the inlaws DH was at work and MIL crazy texts me and calls me. I answer the phone and she goes off on how selfish I am for "hogging" him and that I might have missed him when he was gone, but she is HIS MOTHER and missed him just as much, and loves him just as much, and was just as excited/anxious for his return as I was. She also said, "I have always put my sons first and I thought I raised them to do the same (aka put HER first), I guess I was wrong." *insert gag*
She told me DH needed to spend time with "his family". I told her I agreed and that's why we wanted alone time. The convo ends.
I told DH about the convo when he got home and he called his mom and had it out with her. She went on about how I'm controlling, and selfish, and just want to hog him from his family. She threw my SIL under the bus for talking about me and said they agreed that I hogged him at our wedding and how messed up it was that I wouldn't change the wedding date a month out when BIL found out he couldn't make it (We would have lost thousands of dollars to change it, and DH made the final call not to). She said they agreed I hogged him when he graduated boot and a lot of other weird imagined slights. He set her straight and countered her on everything. She started to get mad as he disproved everything she said and began to cry.
My MIL always resorts to crying and playing the victim when things don't go her way. We had a CTJ with MIL and FIL the next day and basically it was my fault for causing bad blood with them by not going to that ONE dinner I missed. When DH told them that was the day I found out he wasn't coming home and about my dad's cancer she said, "Well how were WE suppose to know???" She insisted I should have told her and we got zero apology for their boundary stomping over DH's two week leave, the stealing of the money (they won't even talk about it), and being disrespectful towards me.
So we move and I've been extremely low contact and DH has been trying to train them into lower contact with him. Before bootcamp they were calling daily and he had already tried fading them out some. Since moving he got it down to once a week and then every other week. They send A LOT of passive aggressive texts guilting him about contact and his mother texts him DAILY with bible verses and how much she loves him. They've demanded I send them pics, updates, ect, but I've ignored it. They started singing my praise (SIL is now the one they hate) about how lucky DH is to have a house wife to cook and take care of him. I'm not biting.
So, fast forward to now and DH is getting ready to deploy next month. His parents are doing a vow renewal this weekend and are having family come from all over (MIL's sister pays for most of everything). DH told them last month we wouldn't be coming because of training for the deployment, but honestly we just don't want to. He has started therapy and is slowly coming to terms with how abusive his past was. So many new things come up that he never realized we're sick/abusive.
DH doesn't want to CO yet, he really wants to set huge boundaries and train them into low contact. I don't really think they're trainable, but I agree trying is the right course right now. My husband is moving in the right direction and building up to a CO would help kill his unicorn and spare him the massive guilt a CO right now would give him.
ANYWAYS
His mom sent a very long text today guilt tripping him about coming to the vow renewal. They were holding out hope he would surprise them and show up... Weird. These type of texts (and they're really often) anger and upset him so we want to know how to address them. He has BH everything so far.
The text (translated from Spanish by DH):
"God bless you son, I hope you are doing good. Yesterday I called and you didn't answer, I imagined you were busy. I waited for you to call me last weekend (no promise to call, I guess she wanted a V-Day call?) I hope you enjoyed it. I haven't heard of you since last week. I really wanted for you to be with me tomorrow at the vow renewal. BIL and SIL are going to stay here with the kids, only you are missing Son of my Life. Now that you've gone so far away, I really wanted you to be with us. I understand, don't worry. I love you very much son, never forget about your parents. Even though we weren't perfect, we've given you everything that's within our reach. Love you."
*gag*
He wants help coming up with a response to;
A. Set strict boundaries
B. END THE GUILT TRIPS
I am taking a time out from them personally, and will not be seeing them during his deployment (although he MIGHT not be going, they want to keep him back for other training purposes). We are ttc, but struggling with infertility (PCOS/endometriosis). We really want to get things to a better place before bringing a baby into things and he family really loses it.
Sorry it's so long, but the background really is important when it comes to formulating our next step. Thanks for hanging in there with me, guys.
**Edited to fix grammar
Our issue is with his parents. I'm gonna try to be short with the background but want to hit on some of the major points, it might get a little lengthy but is all relative to the situation.
Background: DH is the scapegoat to his older brother the golden child. His brother was put on a huge pedestal (especially within the church, they had him giving sermons by age 8 ) It was decided that his brother was anointed and destined to do great things within the church, and this pedestal probably has a lot to do with why BIL has turned into such a huge Narc.
DH had a very rough and abusive childhood. His mother (my martyr-in-law) was a stay at home mom and enabler to his BSC father who also didn't work. They moved around a lot, lived in homeless shelters, and went back and forth from the U.S. and Puerto Rico (where they're from). Eventually they got section 8 and disability and continue to mooch off family. His father is an alcoholic and has been addicted to pills. He is prone to fits of rage and gets very childish/aggressive when he doesn't get his way.
***TRIGGER*** FIL was physically abusive and deranged. My DH (at a young age) woke up to their dog making a strange sound and looked out his window to see his father hanging him. More recently (5-6 years ago) FIL was arrested after physically attacking my MIL and my DH threw him out the front the door, FIL attacked the police when they came. ***endtrigger***
Those are just a couple examples with many other things inbetween. He is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and is mostly sober now so everyone rugsweeps and moves on.
My DH and his brother had to drop out of school to work and provide for their parents. My ILs took loans out in their names, but bills in their names, and made a huge financial mess that we're still working on cleaning up. BIL married and moved out shortly before DH and I started dating. Him and his wife have two kids (age 3 and 1) and hate being parents. MIL and FIL have the kids most of the time when they aren't in daycare, even though FIL is aggressive and hates children.
When I started dating DH he lived with his parents. He worked 40-50 hours a week and mil kept his debit card on her for "household expenses". He barely saw a dime he made and had no idea where anything went. He started coming out of the fog when we were together and when we got engaged I took over our finances. There were a lot of boundary stomps with the wedding but we ended up living a few minutes away from them.
DH enlisted in the Army and went off to BCT and his parents moved two hours south after a huge fight with BIL (now rug swept). His parents would be in town every other week for a week, back and forth. This was before DWIL and back when I believed I HAD to play nice with the inlaws. Everytime they came I would have dinner with them and visit. During this time I found out they had continued to put things in my DH's name and things were dropping into collections from when they moved (they just up and moved without settling ANY bills/debts). I was furious but (dumb me) didn't want to "pick a fight" until I could talk to DH.
They boundary stomped a lot at his graduation and tried to force me out of "family" pictures (we had been married a year at this point). I told DH about how they were stealing from us when I drove him to AIT (I transported him alone). We agreed he would talk to them and I would stay mum about it.
During his AIT (training after boot camp for his job) his parents expected me to continuing coming to the bi-weekly dinners and I did. I mostly played with the babies and kept it short. Towards the end, DH became a holdover and was forced to stay an extra month. The day I found out was also the same day I found out my father's cancer returned. It happened to be a day my inlaws came and that I was "summoned" for dinner. I didn't answer my phone and stayed in emotionally processing things.
***End background and on to main issue:
So, (end of August) DH is finally coming home after 6 months away and told his family I would be picking him up and we would see them in a couple days. On my way to the airport BIL calls me and curses me out for not letting him come with me to get DH. I completely JADED but held my ground on some alone time with DH. We got a hotel on the water and needed to just be together for a while. So BIL demands that I have DH call him when he lands. I gave DH the message and told him what his brother said to me and he decided not to call him.
That whole day and night BIL, MIL, and FIL are BLOWING UP our phones. DH finally answers BIL's call and goes off on him for the craziness. BIL comes up with the crazy argument of how they didn't know if he was safe or not, after all he was on a plane earlier!!! DH shut that shit down and told him he needed to spend time with his wife and would see them in a couple days. BIL argued that because I was moving with him (only three hours away btw) that he should spend all his time with them. Ironic, since BIL couldn't even be bothered to write DH when he was in bootcamp.
DH was home for home recruitment for two weeks, so he worked during the day. The day before we were going to see the inlaws DH was at work and MIL crazy texts me and calls me. I answer the phone and she goes off on how selfish I am for "hogging" him and that I might have missed him when he was gone, but she is HIS MOTHER and missed him just as much, and loves him just as much, and was just as excited/anxious for his return as I was. She also said, "I have always put my sons first and I thought I raised them to do the same (aka put HER first), I guess I was wrong." *insert gag*
She told me DH needed to spend time with "his family". I told her I agreed and that's why we wanted alone time. The convo ends.
I told DH about the convo when he got home and he called his mom and had it out with her. She went on about how I'm controlling, and selfish, and just want to hog him from his family. She threw my SIL under the bus for talking about me and said they agreed that I hogged him at our wedding and how messed up it was that I wouldn't change the wedding date a month out when BIL found out he couldn't make it (We would have lost thousands of dollars to change it, and DH made the final call not to). She said they agreed I hogged him when he graduated boot and a lot of other weird imagined slights. He set her straight and countered her on everything. She started to get mad as he disproved everything she said and began to cry.
My MIL always resorts to crying and playing the victim when things don't go her way. We had a CTJ with MIL and FIL the next day and basically it was my fault for causing bad blood with them by not going to that ONE dinner I missed. When DH told them that was the day I found out he wasn't coming home and about my dad's cancer she said, "Well how were WE suppose to know???" She insisted I should have told her and we got zero apology for their boundary stomping over DH's two week leave, the stealing of the money (they won't even talk about it), and being disrespectful towards me.
So we move and I've been extremely low contact and DH has been trying to train them into lower contact with him. Before bootcamp they were calling daily and he had already tried fading them out some. Since moving he got it down to once a week and then every other week. They send A LOT of passive aggressive texts guilting him about contact and his mother texts him DAILY with bible verses and how much she loves him. They've demanded I send them pics, updates, ect, but I've ignored it. They started singing my praise (SIL is now the one they hate) about how lucky DH is to have a house wife to cook and take care of him. I'm not biting.
So, fast forward to now and DH is getting ready to deploy next month. His parents are doing a vow renewal this weekend and are having family come from all over (MIL's sister pays for most of everything). DH told them last month we wouldn't be coming because of training for the deployment, but honestly we just don't want to. He has started therapy and is slowly coming to terms with how abusive his past was. So many new things come up that he never realized we're sick/abusive.
DH doesn't want to CO yet, he really wants to set huge boundaries and train them into low contact. I don't really think they're trainable, but I agree trying is the right course right now. My husband is moving in the right direction and building up to a CO would help kill his unicorn and spare him the massive guilt a CO right now would give him.
ANYWAYS
His mom sent a very long text today guilt tripping him about coming to the vow renewal. They were holding out hope he would surprise them and show up... Weird. These type of texts (and they're really often) anger and upset him so we want to know how to address them. He has BH everything so far.
The text (translated from Spanish by DH):
"God bless you son, I hope you are doing good. Yesterday I called and you didn't answer, I imagined you were busy. I waited for you to call me last weekend (no promise to call, I guess she wanted a V-Day call?) I hope you enjoyed it. I haven't heard of you since last week. I really wanted for you to be with me tomorrow at the vow renewal. BIL and SIL are going to stay here with the kids, only you are missing Son of my Life. Now that you've gone so far away, I really wanted you to be with us. I understand, don't worry. I love you very much son, never forget about your parents. Even though we weren't perfect, we've given you everything that's within our reach. Love you."
*gag*
He wants help coming up with a response to;
A. Set strict boundaries
B. END THE GUILT TRIPS
I am taking a time out from them personally, and will not be seeing them during his deployment (although he MIGHT not be going, they want to keep him back for other training purposes). We are ttc, but struggling with infertility (PCOS/endometriosis). We really want to get things to a better place before bringing a baby into things and he family really loses it.
Sorry it's so long, but the background really is important when it comes to formulating our next step. Thanks for hanging in there with me, guys.
**Edited to fix grammar