Hi, I posted in adoption support about this and I was pointed in this direction. I apologize, this might get long.
Original post:
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a61782352/i-dont-want-mexican-grand-babies-said-my-mom...?cpg=1#c2525750926
She's only racist toward Mexicans (or anyone who looks like they're from Mexico, or anyone who speaks spanish really) any other race doesnt bother her.
I've tried cutting her out of my family's life before, and I think I mentioned this in my last comment on the original post, but that didnt work because I still have a huge glitter farting unicorn because when she's single erything is great between us and it's like I have an actual normal mom. As soon as she gets another boyfriend though she goes right back to blaming me for all her problems, and I mean *all* of everything that goes wrong in her life. For example, when my oldest sister was getting married she had planned a day when my mom was off work to go pick out her wedding dress. OS had to swap days with a co worker in order to get the day off and she totally catered to my mom's work schedule so she could for sure go. Three ish days before dress day my mom called and asked OS to reschedule because she had to go pick up a travel trailer that day. (mom's famous for putting her needs and wants before ours all the time.) OS refused to reschedule because she had already taken the day off and since she was a new employee she didnt want to cause issues with trying to rearrange her schedule again, so she took her MIL instead. Mom got all bent out of shape and called me and yelled at me for it. I was so confused I had to call my dad to figure out what her problem was. She was talking about not letting her know far enough in advance that DH and I were getting YDS blessed and we told her at the last minute that we were getting sealed in the temple (which is a bunch of peanut crap because we told her on our wedding day that we would be working toward getting sealed on our first anniversary.) So after I found out what was really going on I waited till she called back, hoping that she wouldnt but she did, and then I told her it wasnt my problem. I told her OS is trying to make everyone happy and she's stressed out and I sided with OS. That made the volcano erupt and she started yelling at me about a bunch of other stuff that were basically problems that she caused. The only time she is ever a glop monster is when she's dating some loser... and she always dates the losers. So i confronted her on that and she denied it all I shouldnt have even confronted her on anything because i knew she wouldnt listen. After that though i told her I wasnt going to talk to her unless she was going to give me the respect I deserve as her daughter. I told her if she wants me to start respecting her she needs to do the same for me. Then I stopped talking to her for like 9 months. When i started talking to her again it was because I had heard that she was being pleasant and such. Come to find out, she was being nice because she wasnt dating her loser boyfriend. That lasted for about three months and now we're back to glop monster mode with her again. She's so stressed out because of him that now she's taking it out on everything which means she's being judgemental with all my decisions and making hateful comments about everything.
I really cant take the roller coaster of drama anymore but I dont think i'm strong enough to not give in to my dad and siblings constantly making excuses for her. They all say she's crazy but they dont agree with cutting her out because, I'm assuming, they associate cut off with crazy drama because thats what she does. Disowns people till she needs something then everything is okay.
I need to get this under control because I dont want to bring an adopted child, who has already been through enough hard times, into a family where one of... well actually two of the grandmas is a total fruit loop. (DH's mom is a whole different conversation alltogether. She's not talking to us at the moment though so she's not an issue at the moment. *insert angels singing*)
So far she's respected the boundaries that I have set such as respecting the rules of my house when she and my brothers come to visit. (we live in another state than she does. 6 hours away thank goodness.) When she comes to visit she just assumes that its okay for my brothers to treat my house like they treat hers just because they used to live in it. It used to be my dad's house, and we spent the first month after we bought it fixing the things that my brothers trashed. She just lets them do whatever they want to which means when they're over I am constantly picking up food wrappers and other such garbage that they leave laying around, I'm constantly telling their friends to go home because my house isnt a party house and no I dont care that you havent seen each other in two years. Then, after they go home, my mom calls and yells at me for making my brothers not want to visit... or in other words, making them act like civilized human beings instead of animals.
And finally, last time we went to visit her she said she would watch the kids for a day for us so that we could take a day and spend our anniversary without kids in tow. the night before our anniversary day she informed me that she sold a puppy to some people in a town 3 hours south of her and "is it okay if DBrother watches them while I take the puppy to them?" uh no, because 1, Dbro is a piromaniac and almost started my house on fire, 2, he's 16 but acts like hes 10 and 3 he doesnt know how to take care of himself, let alone a 5, 4, and 1 year old. Plus she's always complaining about how she never gets to see the kids and she misses them and then she ditches them when we do come to visit! whats up with that? I'm starting to believe that she actually doesnt care about us.
I really need to grow a back bone so I can deal with her before we adopt because I dont want to be going through the drama while I have kids who could be affected by her behavior.
ETA: I am thinking about calling her and confronting her about the racist comments but I'm not sure if that's a good idea.