Hello DWIL. The ladies on my birth board sent me to you. I made a new sign in to post.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 6 month old. We had a small wedding, less than 50 people, in a church in our hometown. We took on the planning parts of the wedding ourselves and recruited family and friends to help set up. This is the first event that brought out the boundary stomping, demanding side of my MIL that I had never seen before in plain view. I wanted to get married in the winter and do a wintery theme, MiL said no because she didn't like the color schemes. We ended up doing the wedding in the spring, so she could help choose the flowers and colors - I didn't really mind too much, because it wasn't a huge problem for us and I really didn't care to start a fight over something simple to me at the time. There were more boundary stomps, she was angry that we chose my sister to do a reading in the ceremony instead of MIL, but we stuck to what we wanted on that one. She gave us opinions on everything from food to dancing to music, but we never truly addressed it or asked her to stop. DH and I really didn't mind about flowers, colors, or whatever else - we just wanted to say vows in front of our friends and families of origin, and that was the most important thing to us. I wanted her to feel like she was important to us, and let her be involved.
I'm sure you are all cringing reading this, just as I do - looking back, DH and I both feel we should have stood up for ourselves and nipped this behavior immediately. It was our mistake for not telling her no.
MIL has always been very passive aggressive, and has a generally negative persona. She doesn't have much of a filter and according to her, she "can't control expressing her opinions" at the expense of others. Her side of the family, parents and her sisters, all have similar attitudes and are critical. No one in my husband's family has addressed it, and are therefore enabling her poor behavior, because it's easier to let it go than to confront her. MIL has CO many people (friends, coworkers, family) for standing up for themselves or for telling her no. That is something I have come to realize after years of knowing her.
When LO was born six months ago, she was really (not surprisingly) entitled. I figure again, this is my/DH fault for letting her have her way before, and we felt much more strongly about enforcing our boundaries and creating rules for her since we had a child whom we are responsible for. I've been fortunate that DH has been on the same page as me, it's just that we have become aware of the problem at the same time and we've "seen the light" at the same time in regards to mil. It took us awhile.
MIL thought she would be babysitting LO when I returned to work, but we were not comfortable with that and politely told her thank you for offering but we have that worked out. She expected to stop by anytime and to take LO as she saw fit, which we were not comfortable with, so DH told her no this is not a possibility and you need to call before stopping by. She really started pushing back on us when we started with those small boundaries.
She accused DH of "hiding" LO from her. I'm not sure if that's a direct insult to us (as in we know we are bad parents and trying to hide something) or if I shouldn't read much into it. That statement for some reason has really stuck with me and it gives me the creeps. She gave tons of parenting advice, all of which is incorrect anyway - sleeping on stomach, that I shouldn't breastfeed, I shouldn't hold the baby all the time. We ignored it all and usually said something like thanks, we have it covered when she would offer advice.
She wanted to bring her friends over to our house to meet LO last month, and we weren't busy on the date that she wanted to come by, but we didn't feel much like entertaining and our recent interactions with her hadn't been positive. We politely said no, we will let you know when we can meet them some other time, talk to you later. She blew up at DH, saying we "hide the baby" from her and that we don't let her be a grandmother. DH was taken aback and said no that isn't true and we took a TO from her - it was about one month of TO including no conversation or pictures or anything of LO.
Last week we had an anniversary party with all DH's family of origin for his grandfather and grand mom. MIL was there and sat in the corner pouting much of the time, and was quite apparently angry with us. I baby wear and had LO the entire time. DH was in the restroom and LO was sleeping on me in my Moby wrap. Mil came over and said "I want to hold LO". I said no, mil, it isn't a good time. She stepped in front of me and said "you don't get it. I want to hold her. Now. Give her to me."
That bothered me and I said no really loudly to her and walked away to find DH. I told him what happened and he was willing to talk to MIL, and as we were figuring out how to address it she came to me and asked if I would hug her. I stepped back, and she said "I am sorry you are so hurt. You are always so sensitive. If I did something to upset you, then I'm sorry." DH kind of stepped in front of her and said we are leaving, and we left.
That was a total non apology and I don't want to see her again because she really creeped me out. DH is supportive but we are both wondering if this is the time to CO, entirely, which would likely result in a cascade of collateral damage from his FOO. Or should we put her in a long time out, or even address what she did? Do we wait for her to ask to see us and say no?
I'm shaking typing this because my instincts say run far away from this, and her, and I feel very strange about the whole series of events.
Is this the time to CO, which I'm not sure we are totally emotionally ready for? What should we do next DWIL?
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 6 month old. We had a small wedding, less than 50 people, in a church in our hometown. We took on the planning parts of the wedding ourselves and recruited family and friends to help set up. This is the first event that brought out the boundary stomping, demanding side of my MIL that I had never seen before in plain view. I wanted to get married in the winter and do a wintery theme, MiL said no because she didn't like the color schemes. We ended up doing the wedding in the spring, so she could help choose the flowers and colors - I didn't really mind too much, because it wasn't a huge problem for us and I really didn't care to start a fight over something simple to me at the time. There were more boundary stomps, she was angry that we chose my sister to do a reading in the ceremony instead of MIL, but we stuck to what we wanted on that one. She gave us opinions on everything from food to dancing to music, but we never truly addressed it or asked her to stop. DH and I really didn't mind about flowers, colors, or whatever else - we just wanted to say vows in front of our friends and families of origin, and that was the most important thing to us. I wanted her to feel like she was important to us, and let her be involved.
I'm sure you are all cringing reading this, just as I do - looking back, DH and I both feel we should have stood up for ourselves and nipped this behavior immediately. It was our mistake for not telling her no.
MIL has always been very passive aggressive, and has a generally negative persona. She doesn't have much of a filter and according to her, she "can't control expressing her opinions" at the expense of others. Her side of the family, parents and her sisters, all have similar attitudes and are critical. No one in my husband's family has addressed it, and are therefore enabling her poor behavior, because it's easier to let it go than to confront her. MIL has CO many people (friends, coworkers, family) for standing up for themselves or for telling her no. That is something I have come to realize after years of knowing her.
When LO was born six months ago, she was really (not surprisingly) entitled. I figure again, this is my/DH fault for letting her have her way before, and we felt much more strongly about enforcing our boundaries and creating rules for her since we had a child whom we are responsible for. I've been fortunate that DH has been on the same page as me, it's just that we have become aware of the problem at the same time and we've "seen the light" at the same time in regards to mil. It took us awhile.
MIL thought she would be babysitting LO when I returned to work, but we were not comfortable with that and politely told her thank you for offering but we have that worked out. She expected to stop by anytime and to take LO as she saw fit, which we were not comfortable with, so DH told her no this is not a possibility and you need to call before stopping by. She really started pushing back on us when we started with those small boundaries.
She accused DH of "hiding" LO from her. I'm not sure if that's a direct insult to us (as in we know we are bad parents and trying to hide something) or if I shouldn't read much into it. That statement for some reason has really stuck with me and it gives me the creeps. She gave tons of parenting advice, all of which is incorrect anyway - sleeping on stomach, that I shouldn't breastfeed, I shouldn't hold the baby all the time. We ignored it all and usually said something like thanks, we have it covered when she would offer advice.
She wanted to bring her friends over to our house to meet LO last month, and we weren't busy on the date that she wanted to come by, but we didn't feel much like entertaining and our recent interactions with her hadn't been positive. We politely said no, we will let you know when we can meet them some other time, talk to you later. She blew up at DH, saying we "hide the baby" from her and that we don't let her be a grandmother. DH was taken aback and said no that isn't true and we took a TO from her - it was about one month of TO including no conversation or pictures or anything of LO.
Last week we had an anniversary party with all DH's family of origin for his grandfather and grand mom. MIL was there and sat in the corner pouting much of the time, and was quite apparently angry with us. I baby wear and had LO the entire time. DH was in the restroom and LO was sleeping on me in my Moby wrap. Mil came over and said "I want to hold LO". I said no, mil, it isn't a good time. She stepped in front of me and said "you don't get it. I want to hold her. Now. Give her to me."
That bothered me and I said no really loudly to her and walked away to find DH. I told him what happened and he was willing to talk to MIL, and as we were figuring out how to address it she came to me and asked if I would hug her. I stepped back, and she said "I am sorry you are so hurt. You are always so sensitive. If I did something to upset you, then I'm sorry." DH kind of stepped in front of her and said we are leaving, and we left.
That was a total non apology and I don't want to see her again because she really creeped me out. DH is supportive but we are both wondering if this is the time to CO, entirely, which would likely result in a cascade of collateral damage from his FOO. Or should we put her in a long time out, or even address what she did? Do we wait for her to ask to see us and say no?
I'm shaking typing this because my instincts say run far away from this, and her, and I feel very strange about the whole series of events.
Is this the time to CO, which I'm not sure we are totally emotionally ready for? What should we do next DWIL?