I'm 32, my DH is 35. We've been married for 6 years and have a 2 year old DD. When I first my inlaws, things were fine. It was just before we got married that problems started happening. They always seemed like sterotypical IL problems and we only saw them maybe once every 6 weeks or so for a dinner, so it was never a major issue. To me, it always just felt like my husband was the first one to move out and buy his own home (at 23) and get married and there were adjustment issues going on. I have a BIL, my age, that lived at home until 27/28 and my SIL who still lives at home at 27. He has a master's degree and just seemed like he had problems launching. Working customer service type jobs, etc. SIL dropped out of school, had no jobs or worked as a waitress. Finally, she signed up for technical school and graduates this summer. My husband has climbed the ladder pretty quickly and is very successful. I am a SAHM.
Like, I said most of the problems have just been typical issues. But we have had two major issues. The firist was they called me selfish and self-absorbed for not being able to come to lunch with a couple hours notice. This seems to be built up from several occurances of us not coming with last minute notice. Or we skipped Mother's Day, but only because we were in Chicago celebrating my birthday. Really unreasonable, IMHO. I can understand the dissappointment, but most of the issues could have solved with a little notice or celebrating things a couple days later. Besides, honestly, we should be able to say no if we want to. We talked through this one.
The second was over my daughter's first birthday. My MIL offered to have it at her home, but when I declined, she threw a little temper tantrum and bowed out on some last minute details that she had promised to help with. Again, no big deal, I handled it, but now I know who she is and I won't expect more from her. I took a short TO after this one just to let myself cool down.
I have never had a problem with my SIL. She's been good to me. Helped me out with last minute babysitting. Spent a lot of time with my daughter. And my daughter adores her.
Current problem:
Last week, my SIL asked if she could stay the night. We live about 3.5 hours away from her and she needed to come to town for a wedding event. I'm sure she could have stayed elsewhere, but wanted to see my daughter and I had no problem with this. The next morning my daughter threw a little tantrum because she wanted gummies (that my MIL had given her for Easter, brought with my SIL) for breakfast and I said no. SIL asked what she wanted and I told her. My husband came home from the gym and then I left to go for a run. Came home and everything was fine. She asked for yogurt and I gave her some. My DH and my SIL commented about how she had been eating all morning. I asked what she had, they told me, it was all fine. She leaves, all is happy.
The next morning, my SIL posts a video of my daughter eating something and says, "Are they good?" So I run through what my daughter had eaten and nothing would be described as "they". It would be described as "it". Example, a banana. "Is it good?" I knew instantly she was talking about the gummies. I look in the closet and the gummies are gone.
I asked my husband if he gave or gave permission for the gummies and he said no. Which means she waited until I left and my husband was in the shower and gave her the gummies and then posted it to Snap Chat. It feels like a big Fuck You.
My husband asks her and first she says that it was after breakfast. And then she says she ate the gummies and gave my DD one. Obvious lies.
So I am pissed. It feels like she came into my home and disrespected me and then had the audicity to post it on social media, where she knew I would see it. I know she knows I'm pissed A. because of the conversation with my husband and B. she's been texting me random crap all week. I'm the BH.
So now my FIL is asking why I've been radio silence. I don't feel like it is fair to hold him responsibile for something she did, but they are all enmeshed and live together. So anything I do or say will just be passed down to my SIL.
How do I handle this without triangulating my MIL and FIL in?
Not hairflipping. I have my 2 year old so might be a few before I can respond. Also, please forgive grammatical errors. I have ADHD and my brain works faster than my fingers, which often results in missing words, etc.