Sorry this is so long!!
A little BG: I'm just starting my new family with my freshly married DH. I'm about 36 wks PG with our DS. DH has a large family that lives near us and is very supportive.
My FOO is very small. I was raised by my mom and grandmother (GM) who live in our town. I also have one aunt (out-of-state) who I'm very close with, and one uncle (out-of-state) who I hold at a distance because he's unstable emotionally (don't want to get into that). The issue is with my Mom. Growing up with her was very difficult to say the least. She is a professional emotion manipulator. We were very enmeshed when I was young and I put a lot of work into distancing my life from hers with every year I was out of her house since 18 (i'm 25). She's extremely co-dependent, and also a narcissist I've recently come to believe. There was a lot of emotional incest. While I was growing up she was always being diagnosed with many different things: Depression, BPD, Bi-Polar type 2, OCD, PTSD ADHD) I feel like every time I talk to her there is something new. She also diagnoses everyone around her. (Growing up she would always tell me I had what she too). I always knew she had serious problems and that something wasnt right but it wasnt until several major meltdowns she had when I was 18 and again when I was hospitalized for a rare disease when I was 20 that I had to relearn my entire life with her and see how sick our relationship really was.
DH and I had a dream that we were going to move at least 3 hours away before we started our family but it happened sooner than anticipated. I wanted both of our families (especially my mom) to get used to the new distance and us not coming home for a few holidays and things like that to start our gradual independence. It was a nice dream, but it didn't happen.
I guess I just feel like because of our relationship in the past, I'm seriously concerned with the kind of relationship she's going to form with my LO, let alone if she can handle respecting me and DHs boundaries and my role as an adult and mother to my LO. LO does NOT need a third parent.
I am SO scared about how hard she wants to attach herself to me and DH and our new LO. There have been so many red flags. She was trying to get us to add a bed to the baby's room and said that she could stay with us for a couple weeks when the baby comes home. SHUT that down. She told me I should go back to work ASAP (I'm planning on being a SAHM for a good while) and she will be our childcare. SHUT that down. She even tried to tell me that MIL won't be able to watch LO because she has a husband and has "wifely duties" and wont be able to leave her family, plus it's her 11th grandchild so it means more to my mom. SHUT that down too. Tried to convince us to go on our honeymoon after the babys born, she'll just come with us and stay with the baby on a different floor of the hotel. Said HELL NO to that.
She cant ever seem to focus on her own life or solving her own problems, she uses the events in others' lives to distract her from living her own. Lately it's been my GM who's been having serious health issues, and going from the hospital to a rehab center for 6 months. My mom has elected herself (by fighting off all other family members) to be the one "taking care" of her. They have a VERY dysfunctional relationship. I grew up around them constantly fighting verbally & physically. It's hard for me to be around them together because I cant stand the way my mother talks to her. I often feel like I can relate to someone who's grown up with divorced parents because I was ALWAYS in the middle and always expected to choose my mom's side and punished & neglected if I didn't. But my GM has needed serious help and care and my mom is all she's got right now since her other kids live far out of state. Im very pregnant & high risk all I can do is visit when I can. My GMs illness in general & my moms super dramatic catastrophizing of it has caused SO much stress during my pregnancy!! Ive had to tell her to stop talking to me in relation to anything with my GMs issues while I maintain my own direct & healthy relationship with my grandma and her doctors. My DH has literally taken my phone from me to make me take a break from all the craziness that it's delivered.
She was constantly calling and texting me 18 page letters about the fights she gets in with all of our family members (it's always her versus each one of them). She was leaving 5 minute messages if I didnt answer her calls (unfortunately I have voice-to-text voicemail so the whole monologue would be right there spelled out for me). Things have calmed down for the moment but I dont like to answer or look at anything she sends because its always a mixed cocktail of shit dumped on me. She will bait me by saying do I want this free (baby item) or lets get a pedicure, I want to pay for a doula, Id like to buy you a washer/dryer, can I drop off this dress I thought you might like. It just really sucks because I feel like I do need a lot of help with things, sometimes desperately, but Im too scared to let her help with anything because when I give her an inch, she takes a mile. I end up denying all these things I would actually want because I feel like its a trap! Especially because she is constantly letting EVERYONE know that she has NO job and NO income (she is in grad school and is also almost completely un-hirable anyway) so it makes me really uncomfortable to accept any of these "gifts" or let her take me out to eat. Especially because I know that she's been getting money from my GM for gas to keep visiting her. She actually does use it for gas but any extra she blows on frivolous things. Shes even gotten a hold of her debit card and went on a little spree and bought me a maternity dress (which I didn't need). I was immediately suspicious and asked my grandma if I could look at her statements to see what was spent and it was little things here and there, like going out for coffees and a few meals, but I was flaming mad. I returned the dress and told another family member and she was confronted about it and never did anything like that again because she now knows other people can see the card activity. (BOUNDARY STOMPER) So I'm extremely wary of anything she offers, especially because it doesnt seem like she is in a any position to be giving anyone anything.
She recently said during a phone convo how she would like us to a have a healing ceremony of some kind before DS gets here. I kind of went off the wall a bit because we DO NOT talk about our issues. She tells me WAY too much of her problems (hence the emotional incest) with her own mother ever since I can remember. Just detailing how she is the victim, GM was a bad mom, she had to raise herself. Almost EVERYTHING she says about my GM I can say about her. Its infuriating because she will do all the things she hated that her mother did to her, to me and Im conditioned to not call her out on it anymore because she will have a meltdown. I am not allowed to be the victim. So this request of a 'healing ceremony" really rubbed me wrong, I told her no way because we have to talk about our issues and address them before there can be any kind of healing. She just acted like she had no idea we had any issues and told me that it sounded like I wanted to confront her about something. I just told her that we need to talk about our issues before you can just be forgiven for them and that really set her off saying that Ive been saving up all these things to say to her and sounds like I want to have a big confrontation, sounds like Im filled with anger, she thinks I should go to therapy, she thinks I should try writing things down, have I ever even done any work on myself, I shouldnt go into motherhood while having all this anger towards her... that last one just sent me over the edge because shes not the authority on what will make me ready to be a mother, that is not up to her. She hit me with, "what if I have things to confront you about too, what about that?." I had a bad reaction to that too. She kept asking when can we do this? Lets plan this. Should it before the baby shower or after? My mind was getting too twisted up and I was getting too angry to be rational at that point. I'm trying to get her to drop it and say she's overwhelming me but then she flips it and says since I dont need her, she'll just wait for me to call her when I do. She'll just let me reach out to her when I want to talk. FastfWD 2 days later she is at my house to drop off some food she bought and trying to hug me and act all lovey calling me sweetie because her friend is in the car. Champion rugsweeper of the year award! It seriously disturbs me.
I dont want to deal with any of this crap while Im this pregnant. Ive always wanted to have a serious CTJM with her, but I feel like this is a really inappropriate time to have one. I want to relax while I prepare to give birth and then I want to dedicate all my time to DS and enjoy this time learning how to be his mom and all the new experiences. Its nothing but good feelings when Im with DH and his family and away from her. I just would like some advice or insight to where you ladies think this is going? Is this worth trying to save and where would I start? I want to place her in TO but I fear that if she isnt around for the birth and LO coming home she'll hang it over our heads for all eternity. Or worse, bring out that BSC and have some lawn tantrums (this is her MO). Is there a way to respectively avoid this?