Dwil,
I have been lurking for a while and have made steps to better my life and get away from my enmeshed foo. I have been trying to slow fade but it has only been a couple weeks and I already feel the guilt! I thought I could do this by myself, but now I am second guessing my feelings, my past and my own motives. Opinions and advice are welcome.
I'm not fully sure what I am looking for in coming to you guys... I guess I am wondering if from the information given, can you tell me if my mother and foo actually care about me or do they just seek control? Am I right to feel like I want to slow fade? Will me not wanting to be around my family affect my lo?? What should I expect? Are these people wackos? Or am I the wacko?
I have gone annon due to my screen name.
I will start with current background and then go into past background. My appologies if it gets way too long or hard to keep up. There is so much, and I am just not sure where to start.
Current issues that made me initiate slow fade:
I was working for my parents for the last couple of years. I saw my mother every single day. I fell pregnant, and knew I wanted to distance myself sooner than later due to the relationship my mother has with my oldest brother, and his children... I knew my mother would expect the same from me and my lo.
Before my lo was born, I was able to transition to working from home. My job did not require customer calls or anything so my boss (mother), allowed me to do so. I still had to drive to work and to another place to pick up documents my job needed.... I also had to work fom the office once a week due to their system not cooperating at my house.
During my pregnancy, my boyfriend and I inquired about buying a house. His credit is pretty slim following an ugly divorce, so I applied by myself with 20 down from the family trust. I was approved and we built a house in a neighboring town.
We built in the neighboring town because it was cheaper and I knew I wanted to slow fade.
After lo was born, I still needed to work as many hours as I was to continue qualifying for the house. After my maternity leave, my mother offered to watch lo once a week for four hours so I could go into work and do the job I couldn't do from home. (I know now that paid childcare is what I should have done. Forgive me, this was pre dwil).
My boyfriend and I discussed that after our move, I would decrease my hours and discontinue doing the part of my job that required driving to neighboring town, and I would no longer need my mother to watch lo, because another job that I did, I could do from home and didn't really need to be in contact with my mother.
I told my mother that after our move, I wanted to focus on my lo and drop my hours to part time. She asked me how I was going to pay my bills. I felt uncomfortable with her response so I got on a different topic and never brought it up again... I wish I would have put her in her place then, but that was pre spine. After our move, my mother still came once a week to watch lo at my house, and I was able to work from home without going into the office. This is when i noticed the boundary stomps. ( I also kept working and letting my mother watch lo, because I felt guilty, and her asking if I could pay my bills made me feel like maybe I couldn't, and I still needed her).
My mother is heavily involved in me and my siblings lives. I am not sure if it is a control thing, a narc thing... or a lonely thing. She has been involved in my neice and nephews lives since birth (10 & 5), and my brothers lack of involvment makes it easier for her to do so. He is divorced and his ex and him have taken advantage of my mother since day one. My mother likes it.
She buys everything for them. Pays for their activities, swim lessons, gymnastics, and even their glasses. I have even seen her buy groceries for them. (Which is enabling my brothers lack of involvment.. but she likes the control). She likes to give people money and then complain that they never pay her back, or she talks about the things that she does for everyone... and what they don't do in return.
Ex: Anonymous money given to employees, mother/fathers siblings, my brother. So obviously there are strings to everything.
My mother started acting in ways I just couldn't stand anymore:
- Spoke to me through lo
Ex: About a month ago, when I put my two weeks in... she was holding lo, and asked "What is your mommy going to do with you all day if she isn't working?" I asked her if she was speaking to me or lo. She said "to lo". Obviously that was directed at me. She has always spoken ill of sahm's.
- Tries to co-parent
Ex: I called to ask her if she had ever been in a certain type of plane because I wanted to fly to neighboring state to see a band I really enjoy, and the only flights they had available were planes I had never been in. She flies a lot. All she said was "What about lo?" I said "Her father will be here... I am only going for the night". She then asks "Will you have enough milk for her?"... The whole conversation was awkward and I could here in her voice when she would say "OK"... (cbf)... Like she didn't think my boyfriend could handle being a father?? How could he possibly handle lo? And her assumtion of me not leaving milk for lo is insulting.
Ex: My boyfriend and I were planning a family trip to my parents cabin for my birthday (which was the weekend of my last week working for my parents), I confirmed dates with my mother before I put my two weeks in, so I already had the days off no matter what. So when I put my two weeks in, she said I might not be able to quit that week because my sister had tournaments for her college sport.. (my parents travel for all of her tournaments), and she didn't want to leave a coworker to do the job I was quitting, because... reasons. And she asked about lo going to the cabin. I said what about lo going to the cabin. She said "Well, are you going to have enough blankets for her? Jackets? It's going to be cold. Where is she going to sleep?" I said "Uhh.. we have it covered." And she said "Well I just worry about her. She's so little".
Ex: I was guilted into traveling with my then 5 month old to see my grandmother. My boyfriend was working that weekend so I decided... why not.. she's my grandmother. (Who by the way told me she was sorry for me when I told her I was pregnant). My cousin came to see us at my grandmothers house. She held my lo, and her babies started crying because they wanted their mommy, and their cries made my lo scared and start to cry. As I go over to get my baby and soothe her, my mother "races" me to her and takes my baby... rocking and shushing her, all while making eye contact with me. My blood boilded. That was my job... my instinctual job to run to my baby and confort her. Why did she do that?
- Boundary stomps, and lack of respect
Ex: The same trip to my grandmothers house, lo was hungry so I went to the car to get my boppy and I come back in to my mother giving lo water.... I said "what are you doing? I am about to feed her." She replied "It's no different than you wetting the washcloth for her to chew on". I said "It is different... I am about to feed her. Her stomach does not need to full of water. Please don't give her water." A couple weeks later when she was over watching lo while I worked. She was due to leave after I used the bathroom. I came out of the bathroom and I catch her squirting water into lo's mouth from her water bottle. I got after her and she got red and jumbled speach and quickly left my house. Which tells me she knew what she was doing, she knew I didn't like it... and she thought that since I was in the bathroom I wouldn't know.
- Makes comments about my parenting
Ex: The weeks leading up to my final days at work. She texted and said she needed to come get files from me. Lo had just woken up from a nap and my house wasn't looking too good. So I got her out of her crib and set her up to play while I picked up the house (my mother has always judged peoples houses). So my mother came by and I went out to my car to get a document she needed to finish the files. When I came back in, she was changing my lo's diaper and making comments like "how could your mommy not smell you", "was she not paying attention to you?", "Oh, you must feel so much better, you poor thing". I wasn't ignoring my babies physical needs... I had anxiety about her coming over and talking shit about me... so i picked up my house. I wasn't expecting the visit to be very long... She said she had to pick up files. I wasn't deep cleaning and ignoring my baby. It had been ten fucking minutes.
For my birthday she came to me pretty much saying "For your birthday we are going to either do your back fence, your sprinklers or grass... pick one". Super emotionless. Like no thought went into getting a gift for me. We haven't done our backyard yet, because we have plans to do some gravel and garden boxes, and tree's, so we weren't in a hurry to do sprinklers or grass because we still aren't sure how we want to lay things out. I have told my mother this, so her pushing these "gifts" on me isso annoying. Like she just doesn't think we are capable of handling our own things so she needs to do it. And it's a bday gift so... see how much i care?!?! I told her to just do the fence, because that doesn't involve planning for our layout and I really just wanted her to leave me alone.
Then she sends me an email to a seafood buffet event at their country club for the next day... asking if boyfriend and I are interested. I said no. And she said "I thought it could be for your birthday". It was a 'last minute sign up for the buffet' forwarded email, so she put zero thought into it. I BH'd.
She sent an email with a picture of a dress for lo, saying "I want to take pics of lo in this dress to give to grandparents for grandparents day". I BH'd, but why does she want to do something for grandparents, when she is a grandparent? I am not very close with my grandparents, so maybe she is taking it upon herself to make sure everyone gets to see lo??
I have zero trust for the woman and am sooo glad I quit my job. She caused me so much anxiety. I am afraid I am not getting far with the slow fade.
Since quitting my job, I BH almost every text my mother sends me. I reply occasionally. At first, her attempts to contact me where more than they were before, so i knew she could tell I was pulling away. Now with mothers day coming, and her recent texts of "I want to see you and your baby, when can I?" and "Are you upset at me?" have me feeling very guilty. My father called me last night and left a vm, "Hello, I was wondering how you're doing... and if there is a time you and I could go out and uhh.. have some sushi.... Why don't you give me a call tomorrow some time if you get this message, and uhh set a time. thank youuu... uhh... ".
I don't really have a good relationship with my father. He was shitty to me when I was younger. His vm sounds like he just doesn't care. Like he's asking me to sushi because he feels obligated to.. Is this an attempt to send a FM??
Past background that plays in with my slow fade:
My father was never really around when I was younger. Alcoholic I assume. Then when my parents started their business, neither of them were around as much. We were given fastfood a lot growing up and I have dealt with weight issues most of my life.
My father once told my mother in front of me "It would take a crane to get her fat ass off of the couch". When I cried to my mother about it, she basically said "Well.. sorry honey... men". Another time, my fathers friend drove by me walking home from the bus stop and he swirved at me and honked and drove away. When he was over at my house later with my father, he said "I was going to hit you with my car, but you would have put a big ol dent in it". He and my father laughed and left". I was mortified. Later in life my father would try and get close to us kids and we would want nothing to do with it. He would wonder why we didn't love him and would ask what he did. Like he never really knew what he did?? I never talked to my father about anything. And I don't plan on it.
Since the birth of my daughter I can see him trying to get close again. We were at my parents cabin, and I was packing up my families things to get ready to go home and my father came up to me and hugged me, and said he loved me. I said "that's a strange thing to do", He asked why. I told him he is doing something out of the norm and it feels weird. He pretty much wants to rugsweep everything is what I feel.
**TRIGGER:
When I was younger I was molested by my in home babysitters son. I never told anyone. When I was a senior in high school, my english teacher gave a memoir assignment. I wrote about my life, which included my childhood assault as well as my drug and sex addictions. My assignment was given to my parents, and my mother wrote on a sticky note.. "We need to talk about the things you have written in this. Love, Mom". And left my assignment under my pillow for me to find. I have still never spoken to them about it. And they have never tried to speak to me about it.
END TRIGGER**
With all of this background... old and new... What do you guys think I should do? What are their motives? I don't know where to go from here. My father has sent a group email about spring cleanup at the cabin that we always go up and do. My boyfriend and I have talked about it and I am going to stay home with lo, and he will go up to the cabin. He views it as, hey we use the cabin too.. I'll go up and you guys stay here. So I'm not going, but I feel that may cause problems.
Also my mother sent a group message today saying "Your grandparents are planning on being here some time Sunday. They found more bubbles behind grandpas eye causing him vision problems so he has to go see his specialist on Monday. Depending on when they get here I'll probably plan on a dinner. I'll keep you all posted". Are they expecting me to not have Mothers Day plans for my first Mothers Day? Am I expected to be there?
Oh man, it got long. So sorry. I know there are questions throughout... but what do you guys think?