Warning/Apology. This is a long clusterfu** of a story and I've been an idiot for most of it. First time requesting advice. Realize I've been a moron and contributed to the problem but clearly I need to do more. Perpare yourself for some serious face palming at the behaviors I have allowed.
Background: Only child of (I think?) narc mom. Childhood mostly good until I started having an opinion. My mom claims our relationship went down from there. She likes to fondly remember my age 7 and under days. In general, life was pretty good once I moved out but before I had kids, probably bc she didn't have much input on my life. After kids, wait for it, my mom provided childcare (with occasional help from my dad, FIL and MIL). Naturally, the relationship (she was always critical of me) went severly downhill. Some examples... any time she was discussing something she was concerned about with my kids behavior she would say, "what are WE going to do about it?" Yes, by her she meant me, DH and her. I would say, "There is no we. DH and I, as the parents, are going to decide. " She would usually go on to refer to herself as a "third parent." Yes, I did try to correct her and I realize how moronic it was now that I attempted to correct her and that I allowed her so much control and access to my life and family. Ugh. Some other examples, telling me I was going to kill my child by having caffeine while breastfeeding (dr approved btw). One of my favorites doozies was when she accidentally pocket dialed me from therapy and left a vm on my home phone. It was about 20 minutes of her therapy appt and of course my DH listened to it and called me to say omg, you won't believe what she said. Turns out the entire (yes entire) 20 minutes recording she was discussing my kids and her concerns about them. But the worst part?? She referred to my oldest, DS, as a possible serial killer bc he was teasing my DD. Those were her exact words. Needless to say, I was very hurt and upset, as was DH. I put her on a TO and used other family and a flex work schedule to not see her for about a month. We ended up deleting the vm, bc it was honestly too painful for me to listen to. I talked to my dad about it (a bad habit we have in our family of triangulation - realized from personal therapy now). My dad told me my mom said the same thing about my cousin as a child and now denies it. BTW, my mom denied saying that she referred to my oldest as acting like a serial killer. I told here we had it recorded and both DH and I had heard it. She then said she needed to hear it herself. I told her I had deleted it and she shouldn't need to hear it as she had said it. She still denies saying it to this day. No apology (note, I have never received a sincere apology from her in my entire life). Also, my DS at that point was 3 and is the sweetest big brother who yes, occasionally teases his siblings. Anyhoo, I bet you all are thinking that of course, I wouldn't have allowed her to come back and provide childcare for me after that trainwreck. Nope, not smart enough yet. Finally, with therapy (both myself and couples), we came to the realization that we were giving both our FOO (other issues too of course) but especially my mom, way too much control over our lives by depending on them so much. I stopped working and we cut spending way back. But I still allowed my parents around.
Some further examples: when I stopped working, I told my boss I didn't want a party but I would love to see some old co-workers who wanted to stop by and maybe do something informal at work. My co-workers respected my wishes and we all went out to lunch and celebrated with cake and former co-workers later in the afternoon. My mom had heard about the celebration (my dad worked in a different party of the company but not with me). I specifically told her I didn't want her to come. I did want my DH and kids to come. Guess who showed up?? Yup, both my mom and dad. And sigh, no I didn't put them on a time out.
I like to go out with girlfriends once or twice a month for mom nights out. My mom told me she was concerned about my drinking and tried to stage an intervention (she apparently talked to my DH, friends and family but since no one believed I had a problem with my 4 drinks on average a month, no one else showed). My mom is of the belief that any drinking is too much (she doesn't believe in having any alcohol ever). DH and I did have a long working thru on that though... We've been to counseling and are very much on the same page now and a united team.
Some good things I've done:
Taken back my parents key to our house (yes, I not only gave them one but used to allow them to walk in without knocking....)
Put them on another TO (this time for about 6 months). This was the most effective thing I've done. Their behavior (bc I'm not fooling myself that my dad contributes to this clusterfu** too) significantly improved for a while afterwards. Of course, I backslide and allowed them to more stuff bc they started pushing and I stopped addressing sh** with them. I know, I know...
Stopped letting them do childcare except for occasionally babysitting (which I've realized isn't ok).
Stopped family vacations with them except one that we do with another family (and have been doing for my entire life).
Cut holidays in half. Used to spend most holidays with them and now it's at half or less (example, no more thanksgiving or easter). No longer to mothers or fathers day with them but call or get together the day before.
Gone to individual and marital counseling. I will say it's been very helpful (clearly I'm still a train wreck but it's nothing compared to how much of a disaster I was before). I've learned about boundaries and that I need to grieve the relationship I want, but will never have, with my parents. I think now I'm realizing that while I might have let that go, I clearly am still holding on to a fantasy of how I want them be as grandparents to my kids. My DH and I have a good relationship at this point with each other thanks to counseling and him being a decent guy who has my back as I have his. We are on the same page that both our FOO are dysfunctional and we have developed a team mentality. Also, due to counseling, we share very few details with our FOO and never about our marriage. We each now deal with our own FOO. We've gotten better about rugsweeping (clearly still lots of work though to be done!!).
So, finally we come to what lead me to actually create an account and post. We invited my parents to my oldest DS (you remember the serial killer??) school concert. Actually we didn't but my DS mentioned it to them before and asked them to come and I felt trapped. I know now... I should have frontloaded that with a convo with DS saying this concert is just going to be our family. But it just hadn't occured to me he would ask them. At the concert we sat in front of DS's teacher. My mom (who never misses an opportunity to insert herself) chatted up the teacher lots. Still I wasn't aware (was there with my other 3 kids and seeing other poeple so I must've missed something), that somehow my mom told the teacher (she claims she was asked) to speak to the class about her hiking experience. BTW, what she would be speaking on, I could speak to as she is talking about my childhood and our significant backpacking (that I was along for!). She mentioned it to me a week or two later, I don't really remember when but I ignored her. I know, I know, I should've said something. But I used to blow up with my mom and have been trying to keep my cool since she then would focus on how "agressive" I was when speaking to her. Anyway, I just didn't want to deal with it and mistakenly thought since I wasn't giving my approval that was the end of it. Nope. So about two weeks ago my mom tells me she has been emailing with DS's teacher (!!! wtf) about going in to speak. She just says this to me as an aside. Not even that she is telling me. Just like, oh I went to Home Depot the other day and btw, I'm excited to speak at DS school. My head about exploaded and I was very upset and told her it was extremly inappropriate for her to be in contact with DS teacher (behind our back!) and think she could be in his classroom without our approval. She seemd surprised (her usual MO) and said, "but I told you." Yes, that's right, told. I then TOLD her, no that is not how it works. You don't tell me you're going to his school. I ignored you bc I didn't approve and didn't want to deal with it. She was so upset and said, "what am I supposed to do." I said, "tell her you can't do it." I was very clear that it was inappropriate she is communicating with DS teacher as well as inappropriate to be in the classroom without our approval. I toldl her she does not have our approval. Fast forward to the end of the week and I'm in DS's classroom for a regularly scheduled monthly volunteer time. DS teacher mentions my mom speaking and she's emailed with her but that my mom hasn't emailed with her speaking date. I take that to mean my mom is now just not going to respond to teacher and while I don't agree, at least she isn't coming in. I probably should have said something to the teacher then but honestly, my mom lives in my town (but I try and keep our lives as seperate as possible) and I don't like telling everyone my business. I realize now I missed several opportunities to nip this in the bud like an idiot. So... guess who called me to tell me she's speaking in DS's classroom next week?? yup. Mommy dearest. I was in shock. I finally said, "I told you, you did not have our permission to go to his class. I was very clear." My mom responded that she thought I was just upset that I talked to the teacher instead of going thru her. Um no, that is not what I said and I was very clear and stated you do not have permission. Also, aside, if I had just been upset she talked ot the teacher without me (yes that is part of it), woulnd't continuing to email the teacher be still doing that?? Yes, bascially she has zero respect for me and this is what she does. She knows best and will do it. She has implied many, many times in the past that I'm a crappy parent so I'm sure this is another attempt to 'make up' for my deficits.
Honeslty, I'm dumfounded it's gotten this bad. But then again, I'm not bc I allowed her to boundary stomp the sh** out of me.
What do I do now? DH is on board that she is super out of line and I think would be ok with a TO. Probably for quite a while with very LC after that. But in the meantime, what do I do about this cluster of her speaking next week? I hung up the phone after telling her she didn't have approval and we needed a time out bc I was ready to lose it and happened to have DS (who is very sensitive) in the car with me. And, I wanted to discuss with DH before saying anything else. I'm sure I should sent something to the school but it's so embarassing. Also, my mom has some people snowed (not everyone, some people see the BSC that is her life). I have people come up to me and say, "your mom is the nicest person in the world." ugh, nope. She's super judgemental but puts on a pollyanna/everything is perfect face to the world.
Still with me?? Ok, BGP on. Let me have it.
P.S. You all will appreciate that one of her favorite quotes is from her pastor who says, "parents are the amateurs, grandparents are the experts." My counselor had a field day with that one!