Without going into TOO much detail that could take several days worth of conversations, I am going to try and get the backstory told so that I can get some honest opinions on how I should move forward.
My DH and I have been together almost 14 years (started dating in HS), married for almost 7. My MIL was a tough cookie to crack, it's what my friends and I call the 3 son mother syndrome. In my opinion, she doesn't understand how to communicate or handle having a relationship with females, especially me and my SILs. I know I will probably never have a full on healthy relationship with her because let's face it, she is who she is. But I will not continue to deal with her without her understanding and following boundaries. Not sure why my DH has such a hard time getting her to understand, and believe he has tried. It's his mom, I get that. He doesn't want to hurt her, and neither do I. But I think she doesn't take him seriously and because I have yet to step in and say something, she continues. So I think it is about time I say something.
My DD is 6.5 yo, DS is almost 2 weeks old. She just happened to be in the delivery room when DD was born. Wasn't planned, but it just happened and I was so stressed/drugged that I didn't care if the whole world was there just as long as my baby came out after 36 hrs. My MIL is a retired kindergarten teacher, and I actually used to teach side by side with her. So I know her personally and professionally and know what she would and would not let her students get away with. But when it comes to DD, she buys her everything (sometimes completely ridiculous things that I swear she buys to see if it will make me blow! For example, last birthday she spent close to $400-500 on DD on things that were complete junk when we asked her for money to have DD go to gymnastics. My DH had a conversation with her after that about asking us before buying DD things. We want our children to be grateful and not selfish when it comes to gifts. I swear there are things my DD hasn't played with more than twice. And in the end, we wind up giving away a lot of her toys to Salvation Army because we need to make room for new, more age appropriate things. This has been a huge bone of contention. She once hid something in her purse, asked DD to get her something from it and DD found it. She said she forgot it was in there. Please... we aren't idiots. Bottom line with DD...she gives her undivided attention, not allowing any others to spend time with her, let's her do anything she wants, eat whatever she wants, and say whatever she wants. Both DH and I have had to have conversations with our DD about how she speaks to us when MIL is here and how her attitude is not acceptable, which in the end she winds up showing emotion and feeling bad. But then of course once MIL is back, DD cannot help herself but fall trapped into the adult that gives her everything she wants. I mean what 6 year old wouldn't? We constantly have to give reminders about this to MIL.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. My mom was in the delivery room because, hey, it's my mom and she was a labor and delivery nurse, I wanted her there. We told ILs they could drive down May 18, induction day, and come to visit later in the afternoon after we were a little rested and cleaned up. The night before induction, MIL text DH and asked if they could come that night, didn't understand why they had to wait till morning. Well, I didn't want her there in the morning before I left saying or doing something that would start the day on the wrong foot. DH and I had a conversation about how I knew it was not going to go well, her being around when we came home, and DH insisted that he talked to her and his dad and it'll be fine. Well...it wasn't. The night we came home from the hospital, she threw a Grade A toddler fit and literally stomped around MY house like it was all about her. My DH, FIL and dad went out to get food, my mom and I were sitting in the living room and some how MIL got it in her head that she was being left out. She never once came into the living room to sit with us or join the conversation. It wasn't like my mother and I went into another room and closed the door. We were sitting in the wide open living room talking about the visit with the pediatrician right before we left the hospital. I realized that she was trying to get attention and txt my DH and said, not sure what was wrong, I honestly thought maybe my FIL and her were fighting about something. He came home and talked with her and she said she felt left out. It was insane. Then the night before she left, I walked out to our upstairs landing to get something and heard her talking to FIL about not wanting to leave because my DD would be ignored and not given any attention. If my dad didn't have to ride back to NY with them, I would have stormed down the stairs and had it OUT with her. But I didn't want it to be uncomfortable for my dad. My mom was staying with me for a week to help because DH had to go back to work. So I no doubt realized that she was jealous of this, but let's face it...my mom helps clean, cook, does her own thing, and actually HELPS. And I don't know about anyone else, but if you have a good relationship with your own mother, I feel like this is something that typically happens, the mom's mom stays and helps.
In the end, I should have stuck to my instincts and told DH that I wanted them to come a couple weeks after DS was born...but I also knew this would hurt DH. He loves his parents and wants them to be a part of these things. I do love my MIL, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I NEED her to hear me out. And I don't think she is going to understand until I make it clear. Even if it does hurt the relationship at first...she is too manipulative with my DH. And yes, I KNOW...my DH needs to stand up for our family and realize that his mother is his family, but we are his world. He is not confrontational and has a hard time expressing himself. So I think I need to step in. I've waited too long...
Another aspect of this whole situation is how she treats my parents. They all live 15 minutes away from each other. Whenever we go home and are at my parents, my parents include ILs in everything, even family functions. But ILs never invite my parents to anything. Feelings are definitely hurt. That and when we ARE all together MIL hogs the time with DD. My MIL is active and can play till the sun is down; my mother has cronic pain and frequent migranes, but still will play LIFE and cuddle up and watch movies with DD. They are two different women...but in my DD eyes, MIL is a big child; willing to play pretend and let her eat ice cream for breakfast. My mother follows my rules and expections and knows the NO is an answer that can be given.
So here is the question...How do I do it? I feel like she will not let me talk to her and actually get my point across without storming out. I know this because that's how she handles confrontation. Should I write her a letter? She doesn't have her own email, she shares with FIL. Which is another option, because I know she'll share it with FIL anyways. My SIL actually wrote a letter about 5 years ago doing this exact thing...I know because MIL showed me. I don't care who she shows my letter to, I just need her to hear me out. Would a letter allow her to read it, get angry, re read it and think? We are in VA and they are in NY. We are going there in 2 weeks for a wedding, should I wait and talk to her in person? Send a letter before we go and hope to talk when we are there?
Sorry...I guess I said I was going to keep it short, but there is way more than what I typed here. Any advice is very appreciated.