My DH and I currently work full time and have three children. We always go to visit his parents during times our children have vacation.
I get along with his parents, even though MIL can be difficult (snarky, sarcastic, nosy), she usually doesn't drive me crazy because I like her good side (funny, caring, interested). FIL is amazing with the kids but he has major health issues. The ILs fight a lot but they stop when we visit.
The problem is DH wants to spend every vacation with the ILs. He wants to save money, but also spend time with FIL so he can see the kids (understandably because his father has two lethal illnesses). I'm ok with some vacations but this last trip was pretty awful.
MIL was extremely nosy (asking about how DH and I sleep repeatedly), she nags our toddler and smokes in the house (at night when we're there and all day when we're not) even when she promised to stop while we visit. Our two youngest have asthma. When I get up at night to take care of the baby and go into the kitchen, she's sitting there on the couch until 3am peppering me with questions.
FIL has an extremely contagious blood virus and during breakfast he cut himself and got blood on our 9 month old LO's hand. DH and him were just sitting there like "no big deal" and I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I have PPA and it's mostly around protecting our children due to PTSD from my past.
BIL is drug addicted bipolar (now on "Kratom" but previously with heroin addict) and he has two lovely children. He was visiting too, visibly "off" and wanted to take a nap in the bed DH slept in (all our stuff was on it).
Both DH and have excellent careers, are in our late 30's/early 40's and can absolutely go on an independent vacation or rent a place near the in-laws when we visit.
I tried bringing up the idea with DH but he wants to save money so we can eventually purchase a place to live in when we visit. Admittedly, he is good with finances and I do actually like his family most of the time. My own family is two extremely narcissistic divorced academic parents and one drug addicted bipolar sister who lives in a group home. I was sexually abused as a child and physically abused during my first marriage and so am very glad to have met DH who is a good man. We already do marriage counseling around issues like our oldest son and DH building a strong relationship, and learning tools to deal with stressful situations since neither of our parents have been good examples and I'm working past my own issues.
My question is: should we try and become more independent of his parents for our vacations? Shouldn't we grow up at some point and stop relying on them for a place to stay when we leave the city? How can I help DH to see my POV?
I promise I won't hairflip. If I don't answer right away it's because LO is currently sick and I am feeling like I got it too.
I get along with his parents, even though MIL can be difficult (snarky, sarcastic, nosy), she usually doesn't drive me crazy because I like her good side (funny, caring, interested). FIL is amazing with the kids but he has major health issues. The ILs fight a lot but they stop when we visit.
The problem is DH wants to spend every vacation with the ILs. He wants to save money, but also spend time with FIL so he can see the kids (understandably because his father has two lethal illnesses). I'm ok with some vacations but this last trip was pretty awful.
MIL was extremely nosy (asking about how DH and I sleep repeatedly), she nags our toddler and smokes in the house (at night when we're there and all day when we're not) even when she promised to stop while we visit. Our two youngest have asthma. When I get up at night to take care of the baby and go into the kitchen, she's sitting there on the couch until 3am peppering me with questions.
FIL has an extremely contagious blood virus and during breakfast he cut himself and got blood on our 9 month old LO's hand. DH and him were just sitting there like "no big deal" and I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I have PPA and it's mostly around protecting our children due to PTSD from my past.
BIL is drug addicted bipolar (now on "Kratom" but previously with heroin addict) and he has two lovely children. He was visiting too, visibly "off" and wanted to take a nap in the bed DH slept in (all our stuff was on it).
Both DH and have excellent careers, are in our late 30's/early 40's and can absolutely go on an independent vacation or rent a place near the in-laws when we visit.
I tried bringing up the idea with DH but he wants to save money so we can eventually purchase a place to live in when we visit. Admittedly, he is good with finances and I do actually like his family most of the time. My own family is two extremely narcissistic divorced academic parents and one drug addicted bipolar sister who lives in a group home. I was sexually abused as a child and physically abused during my first marriage and so am very glad to have met DH who is a good man. We already do marriage counseling around issues like our oldest son and DH building a strong relationship, and learning tools to deal with stressful situations since neither of our parents have been good examples and I'm working past my own issues.
My question is: should we try and become more independent of his parents for our vacations? Shouldn't we grow up at some point and stop relying on them for a place to stay when we leave the city? How can I help DH to see my POV?
I promise I won't hairflip. If I don't answer right away it's because LO is currently sick and I am feeling like I got it too.