Please bear with me as this is going to be long and all over the place. I've been off and on BBC/DWIL since 2006 and I'm probably not even posting in the right place.
DH and I have been together ten years this month. I have C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) from my childhood traumas (whole other post) and he is like his mother in that he doesn't like to talk about anything serious and is very unemotional typically. We met because he was renting a portion of my stepsister's home when I visited on college break and I ended up pregnant during our summer fling. He was kind and respectful to me which was what won me over as he wasn't someone I imagined myself with. He is a good, hard working man.
***trigger*** I had multiple miscarriages after our second child. He never once took a day off for any of them or for any of the ultrasounds, appointments, etc. He used to work from before we got up to after we were in bed then had his immunoglobulin treatment every other week on a day off. So I felt very alone in parenting especially since my FOO ultimately ended up CO after trying to deal with them for too long. I ended up with severe depression after my fifth miscarriage and having my "family" say the m/cs were karma bc they didn't like boundaries (like call before they show up, don't bribe my kids with money for hugs etc). I was also having a hard time with MIL during this time bc she didnt agree with our parenting choices (full term breastfeeding, co sleeping, homeschooling, etc). ***trigger*** I felt as if I wanted to die and take my children with me so they wouldn't have to suffer in the lonely world we were living in. Even my closest friends were stepping back because my grief and anger were consuming me so much.
I was already in counseling since after my fourth loss and when the fifth happened I simply lost my mind. I had a plan. I had intent. I didn't follow through that day because the firearm stores in our rural area were closed. I told my counselor the following session (about a week and a half later because I had limited funds for a sitter) about my plan and explained that I didn't feel that way anymore, however steps were taken to get me on some short term meds to get me through. My husband throughout all of this knew everything. Yet he never once took a day off. He left me with the kids. He said he didn't think I was a danger to anyone because I'd never hurt our children. Ultimately, he was right. But still. He just kept going on about his life as if everything was okay.
Fast forward...Found out I have hashimotos and am gluten intolerant and made some changes on my own research and we got our rainbow baby in 2014 :-)
Last year we decided it was time to CO most of my FOO for good (they're a whole other story). We also had talked about leaving our home state for years because of the long winters and after dh had been sick and in bed with diverticulitis most of winter 2014/15 (while I dragged all three kids including the infant to all of his many appointment s, er trips, through blizzards and shoveling alone, financial stress that I had to figure out alone etc). He missed six months of work and we ended up cashing in his 401k after his colon resection and moved 2800 miles away. Meantime I had zero help except for his mom on occasion (she lived 3 hours away at the time and would want to stay in our two bedroom), plus a few good friends on occasion making meals etc. I said screw my "family" who ignored and mocked my please for help while dh was sick and we sold everything and moved.
I have always dealt with my FOO. And also any issues we had in the past with his mother (now resolved thanks to lurking here.) He never got involved though he always claimed to support me. Though he did email his mom once to stick up for me.
He finally stood up for me ONCE via the debil when a few of my FOO were bashing me on there on my father's wall (father is not CO). I got on his case for not standing up for me (I just blocked them but I was hurt). Of course they just assumed it was me on his account because they like to go on each other's accounts. They were accusing me of making up a story about dh having cancer to get people to send us money. Wtf.
So dh does have cancer. We moved southwest last June (a year ago) and dh was diagnosed with melanoma in November. We found out it had spread to his lymph nodes right after Christmas. MIL flew out for that surgery. Then he needed another surgery January to remove more nodes and she flew out again. She stays two weeks at a time in our small apartment and she does help a LOT, but now dh was hospitalized twice in the past 5 weeks...once 2 days and once 19 days from his melanoma treatments. He now has a feeding tube, is on steroids and an entire freaking pharmac y of drugs, & the melanoma is spreading further but he's too weak to do much as far as treatments and surgery go right now. Plus the treatments made him this sick.
So now I'm REALLY all alone with the three kids and this now terminally ill, miserable man. He isnt the same person anymore. The drugs have changed him and he is mad at himself for doing the treatments because i begged him not to. I felt at the time risks outweighed benefits. I had recently returned to work after pursuing my dream job so I could still be with him and the kids most of their waking hours since he is unable to work now. That lasted a month before he was hospitalized the first time then i went back for a week and a half before he was hospitalized again. And though I had been doing very well emotionally despite everything, I started having panic attacks. His mom wanted to come out while he was hospitalized and I thought of dwil and said only if you get a hotel and car because I can't have extras here right now, plus she always wants me to drive her everywhere and I am at the hospital enough as it is with three young children. She decided not to come because of that.
Dh was discharged but still has feeding tube and multiple appointments per week, sometimes per day. He spoke to his mom about coming here to help for a while after I begged him to since I can't seem to get insurance figured out or childcare assistance right now (we live in a large city so there's a waitlist for everything). We had our tax return but it is running out. I need to work. Disability had a waiti g period so I finally just applied on his behalf. He begged his mother to come but she had told me no a few months ago bc she didnt want to be away from home for more than two weeks. Finally she agreed if we could do the legwork to find her a furnished rental and car. Fine. But she only agreed to a month.
I'm losing my mind. Again. I feel as if my long term friends in home state have forgotten about us. They do text and call sometimes but I just feel so alone. I have made a couple friends here thankfully but they both have more children than I do so can only help on occasion. They are wonderfully supportive in other ways, though.
I feel awful but I can't help but feel anger and resentment at dh. Not that miscarriages are cancer, but I have given up my dream job, sanity, any free or fun time with our kids, etc for him...and he is so impatient and angry and wrapped up in being sick.
Yesterday I lost it. I had to drag the kids to another appointment and when it was time to go he needed to go elsewhere for another last minute thing and I just lost it. I was BAWLING in the car. And he showed no feelings. Nothing. No comforting words. No hug or pat on the shoulder even. My middle son was even crying. I have never cried so hard. And then dh said he had another appt for the day i was going to go finally get a massage or some kind of alone time that he assured me woukd happen when MIL comes next week and i cried even harder. I dropped dh off at the door and left him there. Stopped the car long enough to finish crying and hug my kids and explain things. Then we left.
Left him the van. Charged a rental car on the credit card. Packed our shit. Drove to san diego. And here we are. Three nights. Beach today. Sea world tomorrow. My kids and I deserve this. I know dh is ok even tho he laid it on thick. He CAN drive. He CAN do things for himself. He CAN arrange things. He CAN fight with insurance. He CAN do more than he says. I know he is sick. I KNOW THIS. But I.CANT.DO.EVERYTHING for this long and always have my kids' lives in upheaval (one autism spectrum so routine really is important, one still nursing and up throughout the night, the other very active so I have to find things to keep them ALL happy and busy yet dh co stantly complains at how I do nothing right.
But what the fuck do I do going forward? How to deal with dh and MIL? Because also I haven't yet found her a place so she will be stuck with us for a little while even though she knows most places have a minimum one month rental and she said she will stay at most a month. Shes also in denial bc she lost her husband to cancer.
I am so over this that if it weren't for my children suffering I would just want dh to die already. Isnt that awful?!?! HELP.
DH and I have been together ten years this month. I have C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) from my childhood traumas (whole other post) and he is like his mother in that he doesn't like to talk about anything serious and is very unemotional typically. We met because he was renting a portion of my stepsister's home when I visited on college break and I ended up pregnant during our summer fling. He was kind and respectful to me which was what won me over as he wasn't someone I imagined myself with. He is a good, hard working man.
***trigger*** I had multiple miscarriages after our second child. He never once took a day off for any of them or for any of the ultrasounds, appointments, etc. He used to work from before we got up to after we were in bed then had his immunoglobulin treatment every other week on a day off. So I felt very alone in parenting especially since my FOO ultimately ended up CO after trying to deal with them for too long. I ended up with severe depression after my fifth miscarriage and having my "family" say the m/cs were karma bc they didn't like boundaries (like call before they show up, don't bribe my kids with money for hugs etc). I was also having a hard time with MIL during this time bc she didnt agree with our parenting choices (full term breastfeeding, co sleeping, homeschooling, etc). ***trigger*** I felt as if I wanted to die and take my children with me so they wouldn't have to suffer in the lonely world we were living in. Even my closest friends were stepping back because my grief and anger were consuming me so much.
I was already in counseling since after my fourth loss and when the fifth happened I simply lost my mind. I had a plan. I had intent. I didn't follow through that day because the firearm stores in our rural area were closed. I told my counselor the following session (about a week and a half later because I had limited funds for a sitter) about my plan and explained that I didn't feel that way anymore, however steps were taken to get me on some short term meds to get me through. My husband throughout all of this knew everything. Yet he never once took a day off. He left me with the kids. He said he didn't think I was a danger to anyone because I'd never hurt our children. Ultimately, he was right. But still. He just kept going on about his life as if everything was okay.
Fast forward...Found out I have hashimotos and am gluten intolerant and made some changes on my own research and we got our rainbow baby in 2014 :-)
Last year we decided it was time to CO most of my FOO for good (they're a whole other story). We also had talked about leaving our home state for years because of the long winters and after dh had been sick and in bed with diverticulitis most of winter 2014/15 (while I dragged all three kids including the infant to all of his many appointment s, er trips, through blizzards and shoveling alone, financial stress that I had to figure out alone etc). He missed six months of work and we ended up cashing in his 401k after his colon resection and moved 2800 miles away. Meantime I had zero help except for his mom on occasion (she lived 3 hours away at the time and would want to stay in our two bedroom), plus a few good friends on occasion making meals etc. I said screw my "family" who ignored and mocked my please for help while dh was sick and we sold everything and moved.
I have always dealt with my FOO. And also any issues we had in the past with his mother (now resolved thanks to lurking here.) He never got involved though he always claimed to support me. Though he did email his mom once to stick up for me.
He finally stood up for me ONCE via the debil when a few of my FOO were bashing me on there on my father's wall (father is not CO). I got on his case for not standing up for me (I just blocked them but I was hurt). Of course they just assumed it was me on his account because they like to go on each other's accounts. They were accusing me of making up a story about dh having cancer to get people to send us money. Wtf.
So dh does have cancer. We moved southwest last June (a year ago) and dh was diagnosed with melanoma in November. We found out it had spread to his lymph nodes right after Christmas. MIL flew out for that surgery. Then he needed another surgery January to remove more nodes and she flew out again. She stays two weeks at a time in our small apartment and she does help a LOT, but now dh was hospitalized twice in the past 5 weeks...once 2 days and once 19 days from his melanoma treatments. He now has a feeding tube, is on steroids and an entire freaking pharmac y of drugs, & the melanoma is spreading further but he's too weak to do much as far as treatments and surgery go right now. Plus the treatments made him this sick.
So now I'm REALLY all alone with the three kids and this now terminally ill, miserable man. He isnt the same person anymore. The drugs have changed him and he is mad at himself for doing the treatments because i begged him not to. I felt at the time risks outweighed benefits. I had recently returned to work after pursuing my dream job so I could still be with him and the kids most of their waking hours since he is unable to work now. That lasted a month before he was hospitalized the first time then i went back for a week and a half before he was hospitalized again. And though I had been doing very well emotionally despite everything, I started having panic attacks. His mom wanted to come out while he was hospitalized and I thought of dwil and said only if you get a hotel and car because I can't have extras here right now, plus she always wants me to drive her everywhere and I am at the hospital enough as it is with three young children. She decided not to come because of that.
Dh was discharged but still has feeding tube and multiple appointments per week, sometimes per day. He spoke to his mom about coming here to help for a while after I begged him to since I can't seem to get insurance figured out or childcare assistance right now (we live in a large city so there's a waitlist for everything). We had our tax return but it is running out. I need to work. Disability had a waiti g period so I finally just applied on his behalf. He begged his mother to come but she had told me no a few months ago bc she didnt want to be away from home for more than two weeks. Finally she agreed if we could do the legwork to find her a furnished rental and car. Fine. But she only agreed to a month.
I'm losing my mind. Again. I feel as if my long term friends in home state have forgotten about us. They do text and call sometimes but I just feel so alone. I have made a couple friends here thankfully but they both have more children than I do so can only help on occasion. They are wonderfully supportive in other ways, though.
I feel awful but I can't help but feel anger and resentment at dh. Not that miscarriages are cancer, but I have given up my dream job, sanity, any free or fun time with our kids, etc for him...and he is so impatient and angry and wrapped up in being sick.
Yesterday I lost it. I had to drag the kids to another appointment and when it was time to go he needed to go elsewhere for another last minute thing and I just lost it. I was BAWLING in the car. And he showed no feelings. Nothing. No comforting words. No hug or pat on the shoulder even. My middle son was even crying. I have never cried so hard. And then dh said he had another appt for the day i was going to go finally get a massage or some kind of alone time that he assured me woukd happen when MIL comes next week and i cried even harder. I dropped dh off at the door and left him there. Stopped the car long enough to finish crying and hug my kids and explain things. Then we left.
Left him the van. Charged a rental car on the credit card. Packed our shit. Drove to san diego. And here we are. Three nights. Beach today. Sea world tomorrow. My kids and I deserve this. I know dh is ok even tho he laid it on thick. He CAN drive. He CAN do things for himself. He CAN arrange things. He CAN fight with insurance. He CAN do more than he says. I know he is sick. I KNOW THIS. But I.CANT.DO.EVERYTHING for this long and always have my kids' lives in upheaval (one autism spectrum so routine really is important, one still nursing and up throughout the night, the other very active so I have to find things to keep them ALL happy and busy yet dh co stantly complains at how I do nothing right.
But what the fuck do I do going forward? How to deal with dh and MIL? Because also I haven't yet found her a place so she will be stuck with us for a little while even though she knows most places have a minimum one month rental and she said she will stay at most a month. Shes also in denial bc she lost her husband to cancer.
I am so over this that if it weren't for my children suffering I would just want dh to die already. Isnt that awful?!?! HELP.