FTM and I started lurking when I joined BC at the beginning of my pregnancy. I have never posted but I love this community. Your stories and experiences have really helped me to stand up for myself and set boundaries. Went ANON for privacy – I have been too chicken shit to post until now…
BG to my childhood – My mom and I (dad not in the picture) lived with my grandparents until I was 8 or 9. My mom left my care to my grandmother and I loved my grandparents very much. Mom met SDad and they decided to move in to a home that she purchased. This quickly became an abusive environment. SD was a chronic narcissist and alcoholic. He had two children that he took zero responsibility for and avoided child support. My mom was his enabler – they would constantly fight about money but she would continue to support him (she worked and had my child support as income) while he shifted between pretending to work or working and cashing his checks at pay day loan places so my mom would be left to pay the bills. My mom also took up drinking to cope with this. There were domestic fights and the police would frequently show up. I called the police one time when I saw that he had broken her nose. This was the last day I spoke to SD. Child services became involved and I was directed to lie to them.
My role throughout all of this was that of the scape goat child. SD would throw tantrums and deflect attention on to me. Mom would punish me or act harshly towards me to placate SD. Fast-forward a couple of years and it became apparent I was floundering in this environment. I was 12-14 years old and developed depression, anxiety, insomnia (feared for the safety of my mom/myself when trying to sleep), stopped going to school, etc. My grandmother also passed away just prior to this time. My mom took me to the doctors/therapists. She was informed that I needed to be removed from this environment. She cried and promised she would follow through. Nothing changed. When I would approach my mom to talk she would avoid the conversations or say “oh, well just shoot me then!” or tell me that I put her in an awkward position between myself and SD. At this point, I believe her normal meter was completely broken (and mine had never developed). She had a list of excuses as to why she couldn’t leave SD ‘yet’. She would say that she needed to stay with him for my safety or that she needed to recover the money she had lost supporting him. I would beg and plead with her to leave him.
SD would frequently yell insults at me, tell me I was worthless, or comment that it was no wonder my dad didn’t want me…so no surprise when I met my first boyfriend at 14 (he was 16), quickly lost my virginity, and this bf commenced abusing me. I was with this bf for the next 2 years until I started dating my new bf (now DH). My best friend convinced me to come back to high school and on my first day I dropped my books. DH picked them up for me; the rest is history
. The first time I went over to his house I stayed over for dinner. I remember being so nervous and happy to be eating at a family dinner table that I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking when I tried to cut up my food. I basically moved in with DH/his family and with their support I was able to finish highschool. When I turned 18 my mom informed me she would be selling her home to get rid of SD. She sold her home and no surprise- SD/her rented a nearby town home. I believe he convinced her that their relationship would now improve since I would be out of the picture. DH and I saved money and bought our own home when we were 19/20.
SD did not want my mom and I to continue with a relationship. For example, I was only able to afford a bottle of wine, smokes and a Xmas card as her gift the year I moved out (I was 19 years old, just purchased a home and started university). She visited me at DH’s house for xmas, everything was hunky dory and then the next day after speaking with SD she shows up and rips the card up all over PILs sunroom and states I am ungrateful/unthoughtful brat. Yes, the BSC had no limits. This set the precedent for LC and boy did I need that.
Fast forward 5 years – Mom and I barely have a relationship during this time. I pursued lots of therapy, DH and I got married, I finished my BSc degree, great careers and first LO is almost here!!
Last year my mom was laid off and the stress of supporting SD while not being able to find another job pushed her over the edge. She called one night, plastered drunk, said she was drinking poison and guilt tripped the shit out of me. She said she was going to kill herself and I didn’t care, etc. I hung up and called 911. I am unsure if she legitimately wanted to end her life or this was just another histrionic episode. She tried to move SD into a family member’s house with her and they put their foot down. So 10+ years later she had no choice but to move in with this family member and end the relationship with SD. I was supportive of her recovery phase.
This brings us up to date. Mom has had a renewed interest in my life since SD left the picture and acts as if nothing from the past ever occurred. I think she has convinced herself that everything that happened wasn’t that bad (or just doesn't give a shit) since I am now a successful adult. She says she is very excited to be a grandmother and I have had to shut down many boundary stomps (unsolicited advice, no badgering for medical information, no guilt trips, no speaking negatively/or including me in drama with family members, no visits without invitation, etc.) and push way back on contact. She is following the boundaries after initially trying to guilt trip but acts hard done by (especially to family members). I don't care. The plan I have expressed with extended family is to have grandparents and parents at the hospital for a short visit after LO’s birth. Once we are home we want space for a month or two.
My mama bear is coming out… I know I need to protect my PP time and LO better. I plan on blocking her # and FB after LO is born. I need help because I WANT to write a TO/CO letter to finally address that yes I was abused and that she is not to contact me after LO is born. I WANT to address why things are the way they are to get it off my shoulders. The thought of her response gives me anxiety but I need to stand up for myself and protect my nuclear family.
DWIL I need your help and wisdom. I will post a draft of what I am thinking of sending in the comments.
Thank you if you have read all of this!!