Hi everyone,
I am a new poster, but long time advice seeker/lurker of this site...but after today I really need to post and ask some advice. I'm sorry, its long.
Also...I am new to posting, so if I did something incorrectly I apologize in advance and please let me know of any wrong doings!
Background: My DH is the son of a mother with 2 boys...she never had a girl and always wanted one. She is very overbearing and is one of those people where if she is in a bad mood, everyone else must be. She is controlling of everyone and only expects things to go her way.
We had our DD in April and my maternity leave ended last week. Luckily, my husband was off last week, so that made my transition of going back to work much easier on me. For the next two weeks my in-laws are off from work and will be watching DD. Once we are set in our regular schedule, my parents will drive to our house to watch her on mondays, his mother will watch her Fridays and DD will be in daycare Tues-Thurs. A nice balance.
While figuring out our childcare during my maternity leave, MIL wanted my husband to drive DD to their house and then FIL would drive them back (45 mins away) bc she is afraid to drive over a bridge (We live in NJ, shes in NY). I told him that I wasn't comfortable with this, that I want our daughter home and to be home when we get back from work. After fighting about it for a bit, he talked to his parents and his dad said when they watch her these two weeks, MIL will be driving every time to get comfortable. Oddly enough, this isn't even my problem right now, but its included in todays ordeal.
Last night DH called MIL to talk about what time they were getting to our house the next morning. Apparently they planned on taking DD to the zoo...I was taken back by this as we were never asked about it, it was just assumed they would take her. Luckily, we brought her to the zoo ourselves before, but what if we hadn't? Shouldn't something like that be done with her parents the first time? Anyway, I said fine, as long as shes home, gets her morning nap in and they go, whatever.
Wake up this morning, get my baby ready and I got her into her swing before they got there to ensure she would be comfortable and get her nap in. I look out the window and see that MIL & FIL are sitting in their car outside my house. I noticed they were early so I figured they didn't want to come in if i wasn't ready yet. So I go outside and tell them they can come in...they just kinda sat there for a bit. They were like sorry we're early and I was like that's fine, you can come in though and they looked confused...in my head im like wth is going on here. They finally start getting out of the car and I notice MIL is leaving her purse in the car and I was like you're leaving your purse? I would take that in, so she takes it and gets out and is like so do you want to use my car seat or yours?
I was like...you're leaving??? Then things got awkward...They were surprised my husband didn't tell me they were going back to NY. I said no he did not, then they were ticked off at him (as you can imagine, so was I). Knowing I had to leave for work in 15 mins I was like well......I guess I have to pack a diaper and bottle bag for the day now. At this point I am LIVID with my husband who is already at work. I am texting him wand all but threatening his life and in a frenzy bc I have no clue what the hell is going on. MIL tries to tell me don't worry about packing diapers, bc they were going to buy them..UM NO. Don't tell me what to pack for my child. I said, no if she's going on a car ride, she needs to have diapers with her. I go upstairs, pack her extra outfits, diapers...go downstairs and start pouring formula into her bottles...I end up spilling some and I lost it. I started crying.
As I'm crying I say, "I'm sorry, but I have to go upstairs". MIL stops me in my tracks, puts her hands on my arms and is all "please don't get upset!" starts crying herself bc I'm crying and FIL is just there looking uncomfortable. I was like "this is DD's first week without her parents watching her, I wasn't prepared for this, I thought she would be home". You would think maybe they would take a hint and keep her at her own house. I thought they would at least have her home for her nap.
I continue packing her bag and MIL tells me, don't worry about extra outfits for her, I'll buy new ones if she needs them. I'm thinking, "oh really, do you have baby safe detergent at your house?" I then say I have to go and get burp cloths and bibs for her and she tries to tell me I don't need to pack them, I said "yes, you WILL need them". The whole time she is asking what can I do to help? In my head, I am thinking NOTHING bc YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT MY DAUGHTER NEEDS. Maybe if she spent a few days with her and got to know her routine, she would know this stuff.
They ended up driving me to the bus bc I of course was late for work and are picking me up when I come home...
My husband seems to think as long as DD is with our parents, he doesn't care what they do and "doesn't need an itinerary everyday" of what they plan on doing. I told him I don't care if Jesus Christ himself was watching her, I want to know what is going on with my daughter. It's the first week away from us, is it that hard to stay home? Watching her for an entire work day is different than watching her for a few hours here and there.
K...so bottom line, where do I go from here? My husband fears his mother and feels he is always being pulled between her and I. He wont' say it, but I know he would rather fight with me than her. I feel like I need to put my foot down here. I never want to feel like I did this morning. I felt powerless and ashamed that I didn't stand up for what I thought was right and I failed my DD. I'm a FTM and didn't see this coming. My inlaws are very good people, very kind and generous, but very overbearing.
I know most people will say that DH needs to talk to his parents, but we've had situations like this before and he always chickens out and caves in. I feel like as a parent I need to put my foot down and defend my parenting decisions and what I feel is best for our DD. I also feel my husband should respect my feelings that I am not comfortable with things like this, esp with DD not even being 4 months old yet.
Oh and to add to all of this, when they showed up...she was in the passenger seat. She didn't drive like she was supposed to.
Sorry for the rant, but I am at a loss for words today and honestly feel sick over this.