I have to have an uncomfortable conversation with my FMIL regarding boundaries and expectations, and I need suggestions on how to do this constructively and effectively. She has a history of becoming defensive when challenged or criticized, and she doesn't seem to understand that "no" means "no."
FMIL is the nanny to my six-month old. I work part-time and she cares for him in our home. She loves LO and LO loves her, but she thinks her experience trumps our parental judgment and outright ignores our concerns at times. For example, she said she wanted to get LO a walker now that he's crawling and learning to stand. I told her that we don't want him to have one, and cited current research that says they are unsafe and can be developmentally detrimental. A few days later, my SO was talking to her on the phone and told her we were going to the baby store to get some toys. He jokingly said, "We're getting him a walker, an electrical socket and a fork." I guess she didn't pick up on the joke, or just stopped listening after he said "walker," because she told him not to get the walker as she had already ordered him one and it would be delivered in a few days!
I was stunned and livid that she bought a walker, knowing we don't want LO to use one. Regardless of your thoughts on their safety (I know a lot of parents swear by them or think they're no big deal), if the parents say "no," you just don't go behind their back and get one anyway. But that's what she did, and it's a good illustration of how she is in general.
You're probably wondering how SO responded when his mother told him this, and he told her we'd already decided against it. Apparently she just kept reiterating that she wants him to have it, and SO told her she'd have to take it up with me. No, he's not a mama's boy, in fact it's quite the opposite. We decided long ago that I would be the one to do the bulk of communicating with her since they butt heads and argue. FMIL doesn't listen to SO, and SO doesn't listen to FMIL. Small issues turn into big ones, and so I was elected diplomat. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to listen to me, either.
I need to be able to trust that FMIL is taking good care of our baby, and that she respects our decisions. I also need to be able to talk with her, but to be honest, I'm afraid. We need her help, and we've already paid for her to move to our city and state, we subsidize her rent, and SO cosigned her lease. We can't afford daycare on top of all that, assuming we ever could. And there's a good possibility that FMIL could just walk out on the "job" and our family if she feels we don't respect or appreciate her. She did it to her other son's family a few years ago and never looked back. At the time I thought it was because BIL's family was difficult and entitled, but now I'm realizing first-hand what role FMIL played in the situation.
So in short, I need help to figure out what to say to FMIL that won't make her defensive or drive her away, but let's her know that we are the parents and she must respect our wishes.
HALP!!!
FMIL is the nanny to my six-month old. I work part-time and she cares for him in our home. She loves LO and LO loves her, but she thinks her experience trumps our parental judgment and outright ignores our concerns at times. For example, she said she wanted to get LO a walker now that he's crawling and learning to stand. I told her that we don't want him to have one, and cited current research that says they are unsafe and can be developmentally detrimental. A few days later, my SO was talking to her on the phone and told her we were going to the baby store to get some toys. He jokingly said, "We're getting him a walker, an electrical socket and a fork." I guess she didn't pick up on the joke, or just stopped listening after he said "walker," because she told him not to get the walker as she had already ordered him one and it would be delivered in a few days!
I was stunned and livid that she bought a walker, knowing we don't want LO to use one. Regardless of your thoughts on their safety (I know a lot of parents swear by them or think they're no big deal), if the parents say "no," you just don't go behind their back and get one anyway. But that's what she did, and it's a good illustration of how she is in general.
You're probably wondering how SO responded when his mother told him this, and he told her we'd already decided against it. Apparently she just kept reiterating that she wants him to have it, and SO told her she'd have to take it up with me. No, he's not a mama's boy, in fact it's quite the opposite. We decided long ago that I would be the one to do the bulk of communicating with her since they butt heads and argue. FMIL doesn't listen to SO, and SO doesn't listen to FMIL. Small issues turn into big ones, and so I was elected diplomat. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to listen to me, either.
I need to be able to trust that FMIL is taking good care of our baby, and that she respects our decisions. I also need to be able to talk with her, but to be honest, I'm afraid. We need her help, and we've already paid for her to move to our city and state, we subsidize her rent, and SO cosigned her lease. We can't afford daycare on top of all that, assuming we ever could. And there's a good possibility that FMIL could just walk out on the "job" and our family if she feels we don't respect or appreciate her. She did it to her other son's family a few years ago and never looked back. At the time I thought it was because BIL's family was difficult and entitled, but now I'm realizing first-hand what role FMIL played in the situation.
So in short, I need help to figure out what to say to FMIL that won't make her defensive or drive her away, but let's her know that we are the parents and she must respect our wishes.
HALP!!!