Hi everyone! Long time lurker, first time poster. I've read the sticky and am familiar with the rules of this board.
So here's the issue:
My DH's parents have pushed us to the edge. We've put up with their behaviour for years because it never seemed to affect us. They enable their other son (BIL, 27) and simultaneously holding back their daughter from having a life (SIL, 19). I can give more BG if needed. I've always seen the issues, but since they are all adults obviously there isn't much to be done.
The straw that broke the camel's back was this: My DH started writing a book when he was teenager, he is super into Lord of the Rings type fantasy and this was a labour of love. He finally finished it last year and self-published it a few months ago. Our local bookstore carries books on consignment and also gives space for local authors to promote their work via a book signing. DH's parents were supportive of the whole process, even giving him money to pay for printing some copies. Everything was good all the way up until the day of his book event.
First they call to say that FIL had to drive BIL to a town about 1h30m away that morning because he had something he neeeeeeeded to do THAT MORNING. But they said, "Don't worry, we'll be back in time". The original plan was for them to play with LO while I helped DH set up. So about two hours before the event MIL calls again to say "Well it turns out we have to go get Niece (BIL's daughter) in another town about 45m away". Then they call about 45min before the event to say that their car broke down and FIL and BIL are stuck in Other Town. "But DON'T WORRY" they said, "We'll defintely be back before the event is over. Also does OP mind coming to pick up SIL to drive her to work?".
So instead of helping DH set up his event, I had to drive all the way to the other side of the city, pick up SIL and drive her to work at a place across the road from the book store. The only reason I did this is because I felt bad for her and didn't want her to miss work because her parents are ridiculous (they won't let her take the bus or cabs because they think she'll get kidnapped or something).
The 4 hours of the event go by, DH has a great time, sells nearly all the copies of the book and starts getting his name out there. He calls MIL about 30mins before the end of the event to see if there is any chance they are coming. Nope, still stuck in Other Town.
DH was so upset. He felt this was just another example of BIL's needs being placed high above his own. MIL actually called the next day acting like everything was fine and he basically lashed out at her. Told her that he doesn't ask for that much from them and that he was really let down by them not making it. Now I know that the car breaking down was an unforseeable event that could've happened any time, but it was the fact that instead of telling BIL "This is really important to DH and we want to be there, so your errand will have to wait until tomorrow" they chose to go on a nearly 4 hour car trip that would've made them late for the event in any case.
So DH decided to put them on a two week TO (which included MIL's birthday). It ended a bit early due to FIL being rushed to the hospital for what turned out to be something minor (of course 
). We normally go for dinner every Sunday though.
After the TO, he had a discussion with them yesterday, face to face to figure out how to move on. They essentially told him he was crazy, that none of his feelings were valid and that they take no responsibility or blame for this incident, nor for previous issues. When he admitted that he had asked *gasp* other people for advice, FIL told him he was being 'disloyal' to his family and that if he needed advice he should talk to a psychaiatrist. My DH left, came home and cried out of frustration.
This is basically par for the course for them. They are incredibly unreliable, terrible with money, they let BIL walk all over them (FIL even gets up at 2am to pick him up from work! He's nearly 60, not in the best health and still works a full time job of his own). They used to ask us for money on a regular basis, until DH told them straight up NO STOP ASKING. They love our LO, but never seem to want to spend time with her, without us. DH doesn't want to force them to spend time with her, but they also seem to have no problem looking after Niece on BIL's weekends with her.
I'm rambling a bit, but there's a lot of background I'm leaving out for brevity's sake. Especially for BIL. It's crazy.
So here's where we are. Dealing with them is starting to aggrivate DH's stomach issues, which can be triggered by stress. We're at a loss as to what to do. Do we extend the TO to a longer duration? Is it time to just CO them? How do you deal with people who have no capacity or willingness to accept that they might have done something wrong or hurt someone's feelings? Are we expecting too much from them?