Hi everyone,
I've gone anon in order to post here because I need your sage advice.
We're due with our first LO in September -- I'm currently starting week 35. DH and I have been together since college, we are in our early 30s now, and we live 15 minutes away from the ILs. My family lives thousands of miles away and not in the US.
ILs are usually great. I'm more of a loner/private person and a true introvert. I'm an INFJ in case that helps. ILs are very very interested in our lives, when we moved over here they were THRILLED and were all up in our biz as we got settled in. I had to have a long delicate chat with DH about boundaries and us having our own space -- I definitely felt smothered and I don't really like it when people ask questions about stuff that really isn't their business (especially because his parents tend to be really judgy) so we had some rough patches arguing over his parents. DH understands where I'm coming from, but he also argues that his parents are really great and they love me and accept me. That's all wonderful, but I need my space and my husband and my nuclear family -- and I expect him to focus on that, too.
Well, now that we are expecting LO, I'm preparing for potential boundary-stomping and I need strategies on how to best deal with stuff I'm predicting will happen. Here are some "red flags" and BG so you have an idea of how ILs operate:
- Very early on in our pregnancy, MIL asked very pointedly whether she and FIL could come to the hospital to wait while the baby arrives. She was complaining that DH's cousin, who also lives in the same city, did not allow them to come to the hospital during delivery and instead "they didn't know what was going on" because DH's cousin would text them with updates. Once that baby was born, they ran to the hospital with champagne to celebrate. A nice gesture, but the fact that they expected as Aunt and Uncle to be there during delivery is just a big NO for me.
Anyway, I told her at that point that since we had no idea how long labor and recovery would take, it would be best for them to wait for our call. She kinda did a frowny raised eyebrow face and I bean dipped.
- ILs have been driving me crazy asking for LO's name. We are not sharing her name until she is born. With DH's cousin, ILs actually found out the name options beforehand and "vetoed" some of the names by telling DH's cousin that some of the options were awful. Having learned from that lesson, BIL who has an 18 m.o. boy, also kept their name options a secret. BIL lives in another country and he chats with his parents every Sunday. During every single call leading up to the delivery, FIL would have a list of boy names in alphabetical order and would read them out loud over Skype to see if they had guessed the name. BIL was severely annoyed and stuck to his guns. When little nephew was born, ILs literally rolled their eyes when they told us his name. That kind of stuff really irks me.
- Our LO is a girl and I know that MIL always wanted a girl and would've tried for a 3rd baby but FIL said no. When BIL announced his baby's gender, MIL was really disappointed and said "it's just a boy." When she found out I was having a girl, she left me a voicemail cooing about how thrilled she was that it's a little girl and how excited she is.
- ILs have repeatedly asked whether the nursery is finished and when they can come see it. I don't see why they have to come see the nursery, can't they just wait until LO arrives and they come visit? DH says they're just excited and "want to share in our excitement" and that it'll make them happy. I just don't see why they need to invite themselves over to see a room and I also expect them to make judgy comments about the setup and the colors I chose (I did a neutral room and got some black and white stuffed animals and DH told MIL and she allegedly said "Really? That room's supposed to be for a BABY" in a judgy way, as if I needed to go all out with the pink and super baby stuff).
- We made a joke about sending our cat to their place if she scratched the baby and MIL said "Oh but we can't take the cat because what about when LO stays over here?" And I said "LO won't be staying here unsupervised or overnight until she's 8!" and tried to laugh it off. MIL and FIL gave each other glances and said "You'll definitely be leaving LO here because you'll need a break" and I was like "Well, we're not party animals like [DH's cousin - who leaves his little girl with ILs all the time so they can go to bars and party and stuff] and I'll be breastfeeding so I don't think LO will be going anywhere without mama for a long time."
There's lots more BG but that should give you a flavor. The issue I am facing is that I want to have a private labor and delivery and only want DH and my mom at the hospital during that time. Once LO is out of me and I've recovered somewhat and have showered and slept and fed baby, then I will tell the nurses that visitors are allowed. I don't want Waiting Room Warriors. I've told DH this and he was disappointed but will go along with it. I actually don't want to tell ILs about delivery until LO is born but DH said it was "right" to text his parents when we headed to the hospital and then text them again when LO is born. I think this lends itself to "Update?" text messages from FIL just like they did with DH's cousin, but DH is convinced his parents will not do that to us. I told DH that if I see him texting during L&D, I will kick him out of the room.
The other potential issue is that once I give the green light for ILs to visit, I don't want anyone holding LO except for mommy and daddy. Our parents can hold LO once we are home later on. I explained that this is due to bonding for the first few days of LO's life and because I do not want anyone to be passing my baby around. I also told him that I don't want anyone kissing LO on the face or hands, and any kisses are to be delivered to the top of her head. DH said he was "disappointed" because he "knows" that our parents will want to hold LO at the hospital. I explained that this wasn't targeted at this parents -- my mom isn't going to be holding her either -- and that this wasn't a long-term rule. It's just until we're home! I said that there was no way his parents wouldn't understand our preference and that it wouldn't take away from their experience of seeing LO at the hospital. DH said that them holding LO "for one minute" wouldn't hurt our nuclear family bonding and it would make "our parents" very happy. I said that he needed to be focusing on my discomfort about the whole thing and that I want to have as much of a stress and anxiety-free experience as possible so that I can be a good mama to LO. At the end of the conversation, DH said he was fine with my decision but also made it clear that he feels like he's rolling over.
One final wrinkle: BIL and his wife and toddler are in town until end of August. BIL said to me at the shower that he hoped "LO would hurry up and be born before they leave so they can be here and see her when she arrives." I don't know why he thinks he is coming to the hospital but he apparently does. I told DH that *if* LO is born before BIL and his family leave, they can only come visit along with the ILs once I give the visitor green light. I am concerned that I will be guilt-tripped by DH into allowing them to come earlier if it comes down to the wire and they have a plane to catch but really want to sneak a peek at LO before they leave. They also have a toddler that I would prefer to not have around LO who would be hours old at that point.
So, what is the best way for me to deal with the ILs and potential boundary issues that might arise between me going into labor and then that first month of LO's life?
I've talked to DH about this but he's very sensitive about his parents and he also has mentioned that I'm trying to be too controlling and should just "go with the flow more" in order to not be so stressed. So in other words, he wants me to not get stressed about stuff that stresses me out for the sake of having his parents have little bonding moments with LO that I am not comfortable with. I want to focus on our nuclear family and I am not intending to CO or keep LO from the ILs UNLESS they boundary-stomp and seriously piss me off, at which point I will NOT be on board with hanging out with ILs even though they live 15 minutes away. So I am trying to set ground rules now that are understood without question.
Sorry for the length but many many thanks in advance!
PS - Edited for grammar.