Hi, I would really like some outside perspective, please. Any thoughts you have are appreciated. I truly don't know if I am overly sensitive and ungrateful, or if my negative feelings about my parents are warranted.
General background: Growing up, my dad was a yeller (often red-faced screaming and throwing things, etc.). There was just a lot of yelling and strife in our home (often but not every day). My mom, my brother, and I all lived in some degree of fear of dad "exploding", I believe. My dad could also be kind of an "asshole" in general (calling us names, being inappropriate, etc.). My mom spent A LOT of time trying to get my dad to stop yelling. She was also not so nice to me sometimes, a little bit of name calling, that didn't happen so frequently though. I do have to add that among all this "bad" stuff, there was good stuff, too. They said we were smart, encouraged us to be successful, took us to do fun things, gave us really great gifts, etc.
Now, I am 38. My dad has mellowed out a bit (either that or he just doesn't have as much power to intimidate anymore since I am an adult). My mother still sometimes refers to my dad as "abusive" and deems it unacceptable. Sometimes she says she knows he is an ass but defends him by saying he is "sick" (he is a Vietnam Veteran and just about 10 years or so ago started getting some treatment for PTSD). My parents are still married but live separately most of the time. My brother, now 40, lives in one state with my mom (they live in the same house) and my dad lives by himself in my state. I now have a 4 year old son. Here are some examples of things I can recall that have occured since my son was born:
-When my son was born, my parents came to visit and brought their dog without asking. My mom let the dog paw/jump on my newborn baby, claiming that they had to get to know each other.
-My parents came to visit again, this time they were specifically asked not to bring the dog. My parents showed up with the dog and brought it right inside. I immediately became angry and restated that the dog was not allowed in the house. During that visit, the dog pooped on the floor, my dad drove his car up onto my lawn, and my dad snooped around and criticized a bunch of stuff in our house (this is classic behavior for him). The next day, my dad sent me an email telling me I needed to apologize to my mom for getting angry about the dog. I got angry and emailed him back, telling him the dog was not invited and also that the dog pooped on the floor. He called me a liar and said it must have been our cat, and, as usual, said I was being over-sensitive. On his next visit, he brought some fake poop as a joke and put it on our floor.
-We went to visit them after much pressure. During that visit my son did not sleep much the whole time and we were all miserable. He finally fell asleep in the car and I parked and sat with him in the driveway for 5 minutes with the a/c on. My dad came out and called me stupid, yelled (red-faced crazy screaming) at me saying I endanged my baby, etc. I went in and started packing to leave, and my mom came in and said dad was just concerned for our safety. During that visit my dad also criticized my choice to put a hat on my child at at the beach, he made fun of my appearance, etc.
-I had to have a procedure that required sedation at the hospital and my husband was starting a new job. I needed a ride to and from the hospital. My mom went to the hospital with me and asked the doctor all kinds of questions that were none of her business. My dad stayed home and watched my son. When we got home, my dad was outside in the garage and my son was nowhere in sight. He had left him inside alone (my son was 3). Then, they left me there alone with my son, still recovering from sedation, while they went to their hotel to take a nap for about 3 hours.
-The other day, they were going to come visit but my son got sick. They called the morning they were going to come over to see if he was feeling better/if they should come. They started calling at 6:50 in the morning (on a Sunday). They were traveling, and I know they needed to know what direction they needed to drive in, so okay, I called back at 7. They ended up deciding not to come, and then asked if we wanted to come visit them next weekend. I said I wasn't sure. My dad then said that I "have to make time for them". My mom then said that if we can't come, they would just come during the week one day and keep my son out of pre-school for a day so they could hang out with him (I would be at work). She did not ask; she just stated this (she does that a lot - I'm not sure if it's just how she talks or if she is trying to be controlling or what). I said that was not a good idea. They wanted to know why. I ended up saying it was because last time I trusted them to watch my son they left him alone in the house (I did talk to them a bout it when it happened, too). I was also partly just annoyed that my mom asserted this plan. I probably should have handled this differently, I know. But anyway, my dad then called me ungrateful and then lied and said he was checking on my son from the window (impossible - he was in the garage).
My husband supports my feelings about my parents somewhat, but he's really quite mellow about all of it. What he says about them in general is that they seem so nice and normal...but you just never know what you're gonna get on any given day.
Anyway, my mom has since emailed me again asking if we're going to come visit this weekend. Correction: she said something like "you need to let me know if you're coming"...that's always how she talks. It drives me nuts...all this stuff drives me nuts.
My question is this: is this just normal stuff that drives everyone nuts but just has to be dealt with? Am I ungrateful for not wanting to spend time with them? Their presence is sort-of soul-sucking to me, but no one else seems to feel that as much as me. It's so confusing because they also tell us they love us, buy us gifts, tell me sometimes they are proud of me, and are just nice people sometimes.
I will add that I really don't want them watching my child because of what I experienced growing up, but I don't know how to explain that to them because I think they would tell me I'm being ridiculous. I have however tried to address a lot of these smaller issues as they come up.
Thank you for reading.
