This thread was originally entitled "I sent a boundaries email..." but our life has now moved so far past that, so I've updated it.
We recently celebrated our 1year CO date (or as DH put it: "A year since we declared ourselves toxic free!") and I decided to catch my favourite forum up (we've also had a few PANs asking after us![:)]( ":)")
).
I am also choosing to update because there's been a few threads floating around recently with red flags all over the damn place. YOU MUST TAKE GPR THREATS SERIOUSLY. Don't let my life become yours.
Original thread updates are on the following pages: 5, 13, 16, 20, 23, 25, 30, 36, 45, 51 & 83.
For potential HIPPO's - this thread begins from over a year ago. Please check dates before commenting![;)]( ";)")
For potential WikiLawyers - my update does talk about legalities, all of which are being seen to by necessary representatives. I beg you not to get my thread shut down with legal advice - I need DWIL
----------------
As some of you know,my mother is a classic narc and control freak. She also tries to play 3rd parent between me & my DH.
She pushed me over the edge on thursday by telling me that putting my DD (age 3) on the naughty step for bad behaviour "is cruel and doesn't work". She wants to talk about cruel? Does she not remember half of my childhood?
She said I've been distant lately, which means she has lost time with HER grandchild,which makes me spiteful. Then hung up.
Anyway,I vented to my husband,and he said "confront her on it". I clammed up immediately. He said I've had 25 years worth of conditioning from her,and I need to start undoing it.
I wrote out the email,he approved it (he's a fellow DWILer,and has a fantastic way with words. Yes I'm biased,I don't care),and I sent it. Now I feel like I'm going to throw up. As soon as I hit send,my heart rate went through the roof because *gasp!* I'm rebelling!
Here is the email I've just sent:
"Mum,
There is NO SUCH THING as a parent being "spiteful" with their own child,and I resent the accusation. I cannot hog my own child.
I didn't carry and give birth to my daughter so she could be handed over to other people when it suits THEM.
I've been pondering your relationship with my family for a while now; your behaviour over the phone on thursday confirmed it for me.
Clearly you don't agree with our parenting choices (e.g Time Outs, stopping sleepovers etc). That's fine - the opinions of those outside of our nuclear family mean very little frankly! But you ARE expected to respect our choices.
Telling us "We can't make you discipline our child a certain way", telling me to "Let you spoil her", telling us "You NEED to see her because you love her as much as we do" blah blah blah - isn't going to fly anymore. We're sick of it. You are not a parent,you are a grandparent. And you are overstepping boundaries,which is causing resentment to fester.
While we're on the subject of respect - When was the last time you interrogated (her bff's name) on why her plans have suddenly changed? Or (her favourite cousin & her DH) on the way they are raising their little ones? What about the last time you reminded (her boss) to thank someone for something? Or (neighbour)?
My guess would be never.
That's because you view them as you should - parents,adults and peers. And it is NOT YOUR PLACE to quiz them on those things.
So why is it acceptable to treat us like that?
Newsflash - its not. Not anymore. And it stops now.
We are not going to push any schedule on your terms just because you're impatient. YOU need to fit around the quality time,the last minute plans,the long term plans and the schedule of OUR family. Everybody else does,and they manage to do it without questioning us.
Mum your relationship with DD is not that of a regular Grandma. We shouldn't have allowed this to get to this point. We strongly believe her behavioural issues of late were caused by inconsistencies in who exactly are the authority figures in her life. We take full responsibility for that.
We want you to be a very loved and appreciated grandmother to our daughter. Respecting us as parents is the only way to accomplish that.
Guilt trips or anger towards us when we say no won't be appreciated and will not tolerated.
So - clean slate with clear rules:
• Any offers to do anything/give anything to DD without talking to us first will be an automatic NO.
• Super special events like holidays and breaks are for the nuclear family. That is our job. They also need to be age appropriate - No three year old needs to go over 100 miles away from her parents for a week. They aren't necessary, they screw with her routine,and we are miserable until she's back safe with us. We were wrong to let that happen. Trips to London are on hold for the foreseeable future.
• When we set boundaries or discipline DD,a respectful grandparent will not get involved. This means absolutely no disagreeing with our parenting. Especially in front of her.
• No answering questions / taking requests on our behalf. That applies to A) DD; if she's asks for something outside of the power we give you,advise her to talk to us,and B) Other people; If (pushy aunt) wants to invite our child somewhere,she needs to ask US. If (my BEC aunt) wants paintings or updates,she needs to ask US.
• Calm down with the phone calls. I MISS missing you (I hope that makes sense). I used to get a nice feeling of "Ah,lovely! A chat of nonsense! Just what I fancy..." when your name came up on my phone. Now I tend to roll my eyes - because you're calling multiple times a week,and sometimes a day! I have my own life! A couple of times a week really is enough mum. This current contact isn't healthy.
I know this is probably a lot to swallow,and has seemingly come out of nowhere. I'm sorry for that. But this has been discussed for WEEKS between me & DH,and I REFUSE to cut you out of my life because I just didn't want to just tell the truth or hurt your feelings. Lily adores you,and grandparents are important.
Let's get things to the way they should be. But our boundaries are non-negotiable,and are not up for discussion.
You need to shift your view of us,so we can all have healthy relationships. Or,you can push against us and make things worse. Your choice.xx"
She replied almost immediately:
"I was looking so very much forward to seeing her, that's all. But have it your way. She is a normal 3yr old, I have done nothing to change her behaviour, nursery probably has,as it does with most children. I'm not just any old grandparent,who pops in when the mood takes me,I have been a massive part of her life since birth, especially with your illness *(this is a reference to my PND,which I would bet every penny I have on HER INTERFERENCE being what caused it because she had me constantly second guessing myself)*. It's very unfair to just try to cut me out of her life. Mum."
Soooo....
Reply?
BH?
Accept as her stepping aside?
Punch a pillow?
I do believe she's trainable. I've just never laid it all out like that before. Something in me just snapped![:(]( ":(")
Also,and feedback on my original email would be great!
We recently celebrated our 1year CO date (or as DH put it: "A year since we declared ourselves toxic free!") and I decided to catch my favourite forum up (we've also had a few PANs asking after us
).I am also choosing to update because there's been a few threads floating around recently with red flags all over the damn place. YOU MUST TAKE GPR THREATS SERIOUSLY. Don't let my life become yours.
Original thread updates are on the following pages: 5, 13, 16, 20, 23, 25, 30, 36, 45, 51 & 83.
For potential HIPPO's - this thread begins from over a year ago. Please check dates before commenting
For potential WikiLawyers - my update does talk about legalities, all of which are being seen to by necessary representatives. I beg you not to get my thread shut down with legal advice - I need DWIL
----------------
As some of you know,my mother is a classic narc and control freak. She also tries to play 3rd parent between me & my DH.
She pushed me over the edge on thursday by telling me that putting my DD (age 3) on the naughty step for bad behaviour "is cruel and doesn't work". She wants to talk about cruel? Does she not remember half of my childhood?
She said I've been distant lately, which means she has lost time with HER grandchild,which makes me spiteful. Then hung up.
Anyway,I vented to my husband,and he said "confront her on it". I clammed up immediately. He said I've had 25 years worth of conditioning from her,and I need to start undoing it.
I wrote out the email,he approved it (he's a fellow DWILer,and has a fantastic way with words. Yes I'm biased,I don't care),and I sent it. Now I feel like I'm going to throw up. As soon as I hit send,my heart rate went through the roof because *gasp!* I'm rebelling!
Here is the email I've just sent:
"Mum,
There is NO SUCH THING as a parent being "spiteful" with their own child,and I resent the accusation. I cannot hog my own child.
I didn't carry and give birth to my daughter so she could be handed over to other people when it suits THEM.
I've been pondering your relationship with my family for a while now; your behaviour over the phone on thursday confirmed it for me.
Clearly you don't agree with our parenting choices (e.g Time Outs, stopping sleepovers etc). That's fine - the opinions of those outside of our nuclear family mean very little frankly! But you ARE expected to respect our choices.
Telling us "We can't make you discipline our child a certain way", telling me to "Let you spoil her", telling us "You NEED to see her because you love her as much as we do" blah blah blah - isn't going to fly anymore. We're sick of it. You are not a parent,you are a grandparent. And you are overstepping boundaries,which is causing resentment to fester.
While we're on the subject of respect - When was the last time you interrogated (her bff's name) on why her plans have suddenly changed? Or (her favourite cousin & her DH) on the way they are raising their little ones? What about the last time you reminded (her boss) to thank someone for something? Or (neighbour)?
My guess would be never.
That's because you view them as you should - parents,adults and peers. And it is NOT YOUR PLACE to quiz them on those things.
So why is it acceptable to treat us like that?
Newsflash - its not. Not anymore. And it stops now.
We are not going to push any schedule on your terms just because you're impatient. YOU need to fit around the quality time,the last minute plans,the long term plans and the schedule of OUR family. Everybody else does,and they manage to do it without questioning us.
Mum your relationship with DD is not that of a regular Grandma. We shouldn't have allowed this to get to this point. We strongly believe her behavioural issues of late were caused by inconsistencies in who exactly are the authority figures in her life. We take full responsibility for that.
We want you to be a very loved and appreciated grandmother to our daughter. Respecting us as parents is the only way to accomplish that.
Guilt trips or anger towards us when we say no won't be appreciated and will not tolerated.
So - clean slate with clear rules:
• Any offers to do anything/give anything to DD without talking to us first will be an automatic NO.
• Super special events like holidays and breaks are for the nuclear family. That is our job. They also need to be age appropriate - No three year old needs to go over 100 miles away from her parents for a week. They aren't necessary, they screw with her routine,and we are miserable until she's back safe with us. We were wrong to let that happen. Trips to London are on hold for the foreseeable future.
• When we set boundaries or discipline DD,a respectful grandparent will not get involved. This means absolutely no disagreeing with our parenting. Especially in front of her.
• No answering questions / taking requests on our behalf. That applies to A) DD; if she's asks for something outside of the power we give you,advise her to talk to us,and B) Other people; If (pushy aunt) wants to invite our child somewhere,she needs to ask US. If (my BEC aunt) wants paintings or updates,she needs to ask US.
• Calm down with the phone calls. I MISS missing you (I hope that makes sense). I used to get a nice feeling of "Ah,lovely! A chat of nonsense! Just what I fancy..." when your name came up on my phone. Now I tend to roll my eyes - because you're calling multiple times a week,and sometimes a day! I have my own life! A couple of times a week really is enough mum. This current contact isn't healthy.
I know this is probably a lot to swallow,and has seemingly come out of nowhere. I'm sorry for that. But this has been discussed for WEEKS between me & DH,and I REFUSE to cut you out of my life because I just didn't want to just tell the truth or hurt your feelings. Lily adores you,and grandparents are important.
Let's get things to the way they should be. But our boundaries are non-negotiable,and are not up for discussion.
You need to shift your view of us,so we can all have healthy relationships. Or,you can push against us and make things worse. Your choice.xx"
She replied almost immediately:
"I was looking so very much forward to seeing her, that's all. But have it your way. She is a normal 3yr old, I have done nothing to change her behaviour, nursery probably has,as it does with most children. I'm not just any old grandparent,who pops in when the mood takes me,I have been a massive part of her life since birth, especially with your illness *(this is a reference to my PND,which I would bet every penny I have on HER INTERFERENCE being what caused it because she had me constantly second guessing myself)*. It's very unfair to just try to cut me out of her life. Mum."
Soooo....
Reply?
BH?
Accept as her stepping aside?
Punch a pillow?
I do believe she's trainable. I've just never laid it all out like that before. Something in me just snapped
Also,and feedback on my original email would be great!