Sorry long...
MIL isn't my favorite person. I don't hate or dislike her, we get along surface fine but we don't have a relationship. She annoys me, I find her passive aggressive and it wasn't until i had her son's baby that she started to be kinder to me. We've been together for over 10 years, our son is 11 months old. 30 years ago MIL ran a daycare and she used to tutor kids. For the last 2 or 3 years she seems to have nothing going on. She loves her grandson and really wants to help with him, always asking me if she can babysit. She also has mentioned she is making a room for him at her house so he can have a sleep over (i really don't want this ever!). I did let her watch him a couple times for 2 hours at a time at our house when he was young, about 4 months old because she would just hold him the whole time however now he is on the move, squirmy and strong and doesn't realy want to be held the whole time. I don't really feel comfortable with her watching him for long. When he was 7 months old, she was holding him while we walked through a store and she dropped him on his head. it was horrible. No idea what happened, as i didn't see it, i just got the aftermath but she says he just went over her shoulder. She felt bad but really?, i don't understand how he "just went over her shoulder". She is a pothead, smokes a lot. She is also a bit airy fairy, trails off in conversations and doesn't always make sense. She doesn't listen very well; she constantly brings us bags of baby stuff when we have told her over 20 times to please stop bringing him stuff, he has too much. He is 11 months old and she often brings clothes for a 3-4 year old. Sometimes its even girls clothes so we have to get rid of it anyway. The stuff she buys is really cheap crap from the dollar store. all plastic (which she knows we hate) and it falls apart and more than half the time ends up in the trash. I hate all the waste and its such a waste of her money. I'd rather her buy one nice thing that will last but really we want nothing. We are constantly saying please stop. She doesn't listen and gives us a bag eveytime we see her. We will tell her to take it back and somehow we find it hidden in our house. It pisses me off because we don't have the room and we don't need all the junk and i find it disrespectful. She never asks what we need, she just buys crap. When we see the inlaws, its every month or so. Last time, i was holding my son and he was being shy because he hadn't seen them for awhile. We were sitting on a bench and she asked if she could hold him. I told her he was feeling a little shy and to just give him a moment so she sat beside us and slowly moved closer to me and just took him out of my arms! Then she proceeded to walk away and put him in FIL's lap. I can give him to FIL if he wants to hold him; you don't need to take him away fro me! FIL didn't even ask to hold him. I find this really weird, rude an odd. These things annoy me because its deliberately not listening to me or going over what i say. They will also take pictures of him with everyone but me...i find this really weird too but anyway...
I do need help with the baby, I am overwhlemed often and need a break. She would be a good source since she does nothing and wants to help however I don't feel safe leaving him with her. 1. She is a pothead and thinks its OK to be stoned while watching kids. She even stated that she used to be stoned watching kids at her daycare all the time back in the day and it was no big deal! 2. She doesn't respect what we say, doesn't listen to us (she doesn't really listen to her son either) so i know she wouldn't respect what instructions i leave and would just do what she wants 3. The whole drop on his head thing (even tho it was 3 months ago) i just don't think she's a safe person! 4. she is very anxious and worried all the time. She freaks out about our dog around the baby and our dog is fine (he loves him and kisses him all the time). Her nervous energy makes me uncomfortable and i often leave their house feeling exhausted and anxious myself because it rubs off on me. I don't want that to rub off on my son.
If she was someone applying as a sitter I would never let someone like this watch my son. Everyone thinks because she is "grandma" that i am being unfair by not letting her watch him. I'm not trying to be mean, it has nothing to do with our lack of relationship or how she is with me, its safety for me. She does watch her other son's 2 year old girl for 4 hours twice a week but 2 hours of that she is napping. My partner (her son) thinks i should let her watch him because he sees im stressed and his mum is bored, even though i have told him my concerns, he kinda gets it but also thinks im over reacting. Everytime i tell her i have something going on, she asks if she can be the one to babysit. I always have an excuse of someone else will do it but what i really need is a good paragraph to say to her that will stop her asking me altogether! I'm not very good at these things. I would be blunt and i know i would offend her. (like remember you dropped him on his head you idiot?! no thanks! lol) I want to be nice but i want to be firm because there was a point (and maybe still is) where she is passsive aggressive with me and i get the feeling she is aware that i don't want her to babysit but she keeps asking to see if i will cave. I have to be the protector and i feel if i let her watch him that i am failing my son's safety for her desire to watch him. I honestly dont think she would ever do anything to hurt him on purpose but she's just so "duh" most of time that its not a smart move. What can i say to her? Thanks for your suggestions 