Hi all,
I've been lurking for awhile but created an account because things have finally gotten unbearable for me and I'm not sure what to do next. This is long, apologies.
BG: SO and I have been together 6 years, living together for 2. He is 38 and I am 26. We have always wanted to get married and start a family but I am in a rigorous graduate program and our plan was to wait until I graduate next year to start our family. His family is ridiculously supportive of our relationship as are my parents.
My brother is 11 years older than me and we have always had a slightly difficult relationship, tinged with some jealousy issues and just an overall lack of closeness and differing personalities. He lives on the east coast, and my SO and I live on the west coast, about 10 minutes from my parents, who SO and I are very close with and visit often.
Brother married SIL three years ago and they have been TTC since. She is 37. We aren't particularly close but I was a bridesmaid in their wedding and we had a few issues with the wedding planning and she guilted me for not going to her shower, bachelorette party, etc.; but it was really difficult for me because I am in a very demanding school program and didn't have a ton of money to be flying across the country to attend. I told her this when she asked me to be a bridesmaid.
Anyway, after they married she immediately quit her job to become a SAHM and wife to my brother. I never had anything to say about this, not my life, not my business. However, I am very career oriented and have a very demanding job lined up for after I graduate. SO is super supportive of this.
I accidentally got pregnant and am due in February. Despite our initial shock (I am on BC and take it religiously), SO and I decided that we wanted to continue the pregnancy since that was our eventual goal anyway. We are thrilled and planning for the arrival of our baby.
My parents were initially shocked (Bc they knew we weren't planning for a baby) but are so so thrilled about their first grandchild. My mom has offered to be our full time care taker when I start working. My brother and his wife do not seem as happy. I called my brother to announce to him personally and tried to be as considerate of their feelings as possible. I know they really want a baby and have been trying a long time, and I didnt want SIL to be blindsided on FB or to have to hear the news directly from me and try to react in a positive way if she really just wanted to be sad. Brother said he was thrilled for us and couldn't wait to meet his niece or nephew.
Fast forward to two weeks ago, SO and I decided to pay out of pocket for NIPT Harmony testing. SIL did not know this but happened to text me on the same day I got the results. This was the first I had heard from her since I told my brother about the pregnancy. She offered me a "congratulations" and asked if we hoped for a particular sex. I told her we were just happy the baby was healthy and that we already found out we were having a girl.
Things escalated quickly from there. Her first reaction was "Oh good, well at least you won't take away the title of first boy from us."
I responded quickly with a LOL, hoping it was a joke and that she was just hurt and trying to get in a little dig to cope. Then she said "I mean I guess it doesn't matter to you, it's not like you're going to see the baby very much anyway once you start working, it will probably always be with your mom." I didn't say anything to this because I was speechless and felt guilty.
Then she asked how we knew the sex so fast, so I told her about the test results and her response was: "Dang, it isn't retarded?! 😜" I. Was. Infuriated. I don't think it's EVER appropriate to use that word or wish any sort of complication on a pregnancy or an unborn child. SO took the phone from me when he saw I was crying and said I needed to stop texting her. I listened.
The next day I get another text from SIL that says "I just wanted you to know we are thrilled about this baby" and then posted a row of white baby emojis followed at the end by a black emoji baby. I thought this was strange (as both SO and I are white) but I chalked it up to an innocent mistake. I said thanks and let it go.
The next day she texts again and does the emoji thing again. So I said "what's with the emojis?" And this b*tch had the nerve to say "OH you know, just in case! We don't know who the father is for sure yet, do we?!" When I didn't respond she immediately texted back "JOKE". I just sent an emoji and haven't said anything since then.
I have a feeling this is coming from my brother (who is a closeted bigot) as two of my ex-boyfriends were Black and he wasn't a big fan of it, and even less a fan of me not giving a flying fuck about his racist ass opinion. SIL wasn't around to meet any of my exes and knows SO very well (he is Caucasian) so I can't imagine where this would be coming from if it wasn't my brother making a snide remark about it in her ear. It's always been a bone to pick for him, as my parents and I are very liberal, open, and accepting of everyone and he always wanted them to get mad when I had friends or boyfriends or co workers that were diverse.
Anyway I'm super upset and I just feel so guilty and awful about my pregnancy. I don't want to tell anyone anymore because the reaction is always "Oh Wow you beat your brother to it." I know part of their pain is stemming from the close relationship I share with our parents and how their physical proximity will make them a big part of this baby's life. I feel bad for hurting my bro and SIL but I also feel like those texts were unacceptable.
They are coming for Christmas and I don't know if I should address it before then or not at all? Or if I should say something to my parents? I am normally a very direct person and I would love to communicate with them about how I'm feeling, but I'm worried that I am out of line since they have been trying so long. Any thoughts on what to say?
I've been lurking for awhile but created an account because things have finally gotten unbearable for me and I'm not sure what to do next. This is long, apologies.
BG: SO and I have been together 6 years, living together for 2. He is 38 and I am 26. We have always wanted to get married and start a family but I am in a rigorous graduate program and our plan was to wait until I graduate next year to start our family. His family is ridiculously supportive of our relationship as are my parents.
My brother is 11 years older than me and we have always had a slightly difficult relationship, tinged with some jealousy issues and just an overall lack of closeness and differing personalities. He lives on the east coast, and my SO and I live on the west coast, about 10 minutes from my parents, who SO and I are very close with and visit often.
Brother married SIL three years ago and they have been TTC since. She is 37. We aren't particularly close but I was a bridesmaid in their wedding and we had a few issues with the wedding planning and she guilted me for not going to her shower, bachelorette party, etc.; but it was really difficult for me because I am in a very demanding school program and didn't have a ton of money to be flying across the country to attend. I told her this when she asked me to be a bridesmaid.
Anyway, after they married she immediately quit her job to become a SAHM and wife to my brother. I never had anything to say about this, not my life, not my business. However, I am very career oriented and have a very demanding job lined up for after I graduate. SO is super supportive of this.
I accidentally got pregnant and am due in February. Despite our initial shock (I am on BC and take it religiously), SO and I decided that we wanted to continue the pregnancy since that was our eventual goal anyway. We are thrilled and planning for the arrival of our baby.
My parents were initially shocked (Bc they knew we weren't planning for a baby) but are so so thrilled about their first grandchild. My mom has offered to be our full time care taker when I start working. My brother and his wife do not seem as happy. I called my brother to announce to him personally and tried to be as considerate of their feelings as possible. I know they really want a baby and have been trying a long time, and I didnt want SIL to be blindsided on FB or to have to hear the news directly from me and try to react in a positive way if she really just wanted to be sad. Brother said he was thrilled for us and couldn't wait to meet his niece or nephew.
Fast forward to two weeks ago, SO and I decided to pay out of pocket for NIPT Harmony testing. SIL did not know this but happened to text me on the same day I got the results. This was the first I had heard from her since I told my brother about the pregnancy. She offered me a "congratulations" and asked if we hoped for a particular sex. I told her we were just happy the baby was healthy and that we already found out we were having a girl.
Things escalated quickly from there. Her first reaction was "Oh good, well at least you won't take away the title of first boy from us."
I responded quickly with a LOL, hoping it was a joke and that she was just hurt and trying to get in a little dig to cope. Then she said "I mean I guess it doesn't matter to you, it's not like you're going to see the baby very much anyway once you start working, it will probably always be with your mom." I didn't say anything to this because I was speechless and felt guilty.
Then she asked how we knew the sex so fast, so I told her about the test results and her response was: "Dang, it isn't retarded?! 😜" I. Was. Infuriated. I don't think it's EVER appropriate to use that word or wish any sort of complication on a pregnancy or an unborn child. SO took the phone from me when he saw I was crying and said I needed to stop texting her. I listened.
The next day I get another text from SIL that says "I just wanted you to know we are thrilled about this baby" and then posted a row of white baby emojis followed at the end by a black emoji baby. I thought this was strange (as both SO and I are white) but I chalked it up to an innocent mistake. I said thanks and let it go.
The next day she texts again and does the emoji thing again. So I said "what's with the emojis?" And this b*tch had the nerve to say "OH you know, just in case! We don't know who the father is for sure yet, do we?!" When I didn't respond she immediately texted back "JOKE". I just sent an emoji and haven't said anything since then.
I have a feeling this is coming from my brother (who is a closeted bigot) as two of my ex-boyfriends were Black and he wasn't a big fan of it, and even less a fan of me not giving a flying fuck about his racist ass opinion. SIL wasn't around to meet any of my exes and knows SO very well (he is Caucasian) so I can't imagine where this would be coming from if it wasn't my brother making a snide remark about it in her ear. It's always been a bone to pick for him, as my parents and I are very liberal, open, and accepting of everyone and he always wanted them to get mad when I had friends or boyfriends or co workers that were diverse.
Anyway I'm super upset and I just feel so guilty and awful about my pregnancy. I don't want to tell anyone anymore because the reaction is always "Oh Wow you beat your brother to it." I know part of their pain is stemming from the close relationship I share with our parents and how their physical proximity will make them a big part of this baby's life. I feel bad for hurting my bro and SIL but I also feel like those texts were unacceptable.
They are coming for Christmas and I don't know if I should address it before then or not at all? Or if I should say something to my parents? I am normally a very direct person and I would love to communicate with them about how I'm feeling, but I'm worried that I am out of line since they have been trying so long. Any thoughts on what to say?