First, I have background about my in laws but this is the first time I am posting about my Foo.
I am the eldest of two, my BOO is the baby, and has always been the favorite. Its been pretty sour grapes for me for a long time when it comes to my parents and my brother. Im not the scapegoat in the fact that Im picked on or anything, its just Im not treated as well as my brother, and my DH has said that it is probably a blessing that I havent been. An example of how differently we are treated, when I went to college I was told I had a college fund, come to find out my mother spent it on a professional fence for the yard to increase the value of the house (I think they were refinancing). When I told her, at 18 that I was really upset she did that, she huffed at me and said, "I had to pay for college myself, so do you." Mind you I had just been accepted to Princeton and was beyond elated, but because of my parents mid income status I didnt qualify for enough scholarships or loans to pay for Princeton.
So, fast forward 5 years and my brother is applying to different schools and makes it into the culinary program on the west coast, and guess who is paying for everying, yep, my mother. Its always been this way with her too, when I asked for a car my mother told me that she didnt get a free one, that I needed to work, so I did, and I ended up with a old beater car my dad bought for me and fixed up for me. My brother turns driving age, my mom takes out a $12,000 loan for my brothers first car, which he totals so she co signs another loan for another car that he wrecks in less than a year.
Im telling you this background so you can understand why I am wondering if my later background and reaction are colored more by the envy I have that my mother will bend over backwards for my brother and I've had to work my ass off for everything I've gotten.
So, current issue. My brother lives with my parents, 27 years old, lives with mommy and daddy. At any given time he will take off for a few months to "tour with his band" in Oregon and Washington but it is usually only two or three months before he is calling my mom to save him and she and my dad drive however many hours to go pick him up and bring him "back home."
Anyway, my parents are great with my two DDs, who are 8 and 6 right now. My daughters love being there, and my parents only really have them over one weekend every two months or so. Mostly, because my dad has gout and my mother has lupis and they only take the girls when they both are healthy and able to handle them, which isnt often.
Well, the last few times my brother was living with my mom and dad my ODD came home upset and would tell me that my brother yelled at her about something. But when she gets really riled up its hard to understand her, and she has her mothers flare for the dramatic, so more often than not she plays up what has happened. So I listen to her ask her questions then tell her I will handle it. I then talk to YDD, who is more blunt and honest, and the first time she told me that my brother yelled at them for just playing in the back yard. So I called my MOO to ask WTF? and she explains that they were misbehaving and that BOO had scolded them.
Well, I told her that if the girls were too much to handle that BOO was taking it upon himself to scold my girls, that maybe over nights shouldnt happen any more. Well, then she down played it, and I honest to god didnt think she was down playing it, I thought she was just clarifying and after she "Clarified" I walked away feeling better.
Then BOO was taking off to "tour" again and asked that my family come over to FOO's house. So we went over and BOO started in on DH and me, telling us we had to take care of the yard for mom and dads house because they cant do it. So, DH and I listened then we opened the swinging door that separated the den from the kitchen (we were in the kitchen) and asked mom and dad what was up, and explained what BOO was telling us. Well, my DH said, "Do you need us to look up numbers or soemthing?" Now understand, my parents arent even 60 yet, and are both still full time employed, so I think my DH was confused why fully functioning adults would need our help. Well, my dad says, "We can take care of it."
And BOO loses it, starts yelling and slaming his fist on the counter, yelling, "But you never do, you never do!!" It was very gone with the wind in dramatics. This was the point where I started to realize that BOO isnt all there, and when I brought it up to one of the girls councelors, after being asked by him why ODD was upset at being yelled at, councelor called it "Emotional unstability".
Fast forward again and BOO is gone and the girls stay over almost every weekend the first month, because FOO is feeling good, its summer, and the girls are loving it. Then, as usual, BOO sends up the emergency signal and FOO drop everything and run to save him. And when he gets back, I decide it isnt a good idea for FOO to watch the girls that often. And they only watch them over night once the rest of the summer, and guess what happened with ODD got home. She's upset again, and tells me BOO yelled at her in the kitchen because she wanted pancakes. When I confronted MOO about it she "clarified" it again and I let it go but the girls havent been back there since.
Well, this last month, my mom mentioned a family camping trip, and DH and I were excited, but anxious because we have a baby that isnt a year yet. So when I called her to ask when the trip is, she informed me that it was canceled. I was a bit bummed but just shrugged it off, and thats when she texted me that she was going to Comicon. I was surprised, remember 50s lady and really never been into comic books or anything like that. I asked her if it had been her or dads idea, and she said that Dad wasnt going.
Now, I should have taken up the mantra, not my circus, not my monkeys, but I was pissed on my dads behalf. So I texted to her asking to clarify. She then told me that her and BOO were going and dad was staying home. I then ask her if they planned a separate vacation for dad, and she replied no and even seemed shocked that I would assume dad would get a vacation. I then ask her if this was really her vacation or BOOs and she tried to play it off like it is her vacation for her birthday. So I called my dad and asked him what the fuck? And he goes on to tell me that hes been sleeping in the camper (my parents have a nice fifth wheel camper) and that mom sleeps in marital bed, and BOO sleeps in what is usually mom's bed. (My parents sleep in separate rooms due to medical reasons.)
My dad, then goes on to clarify that he is tired of feeling like the third wheel, and he thinks comicon is stupid, but would be willing to go if it were just him and mom, but that mom threw a fit about BOO not going when he put in all the work to get the tickets and everything. It was weird, and gave me bad vibes, and after lurking DWIL for so long, I ended the conversation with dad and told my mother that her emotionally incestuious relationship with BOO was unhealthy and that she needed therapy to figure out why she was making him her emotional spouse.
I got a call ten minutes later from dad asking what the hell did I do to mom. I told him and he chuckled, then got serious and said, "Sounds about how it is, my home isnt even my home anymore."
Okay, allllll that background to get to this part. I have been spending the last week or so thinking about this romantic birthday vacation between my mom and BOO and I dont know what snapped, maybe it was all the DWILing ive been doing, or what, but it clicked that I genuinely couldnt trust my mom. This vacation made me realize what I thought was just a bit of favoritism between my BOO and me is so much deeper and unhealthier and it make me think back on what my ODD had been saying.
I chewed on it for a bit, and I decided TO for mom until BOO is moved out. And not moved out and living next door and is over 24/7. No, totally moved out. When my DH asked why, the best I could describe was, that I dont trust the safety of my kids when BOO is there. That he is emotionally unstable, that ODD and YDD have told us repeatedly of him yelling at them, and that mom would down play it or explain it away. I told DH that I realized that mom was so dilluded with BOO that he could do something really bad to the girls and mom would probably lie to me, excuse it, or make the girls lie to me. That she could already be grooming the girls to lie to us about BOO and that sets them up for molestation and abuse and all sorts of things (My DH freaked out when I explained this).
So, to the question now. There are a few questions. First, its DS's first birthday this month and YDD's 7th birthday. I know YDD is already asking if grandma and pawpaw can be there and I didnt answer, I bean dipped my own daughter (felt a tinge of shame on this one). I want to say yes, its a tradition that grandpa and grandma attend the family birthday dinner, and when BOO is there, usually he comes. However, because of current TO is this off the table? Or is it just off the table for BOO? Next question is, should I tell mom of the TO? Right now shes not talking to me because of the incest comment I made to her, which she took as literal incest. Anyway, do I email her, text her a TO letter or leave it alone? Also, should I still let my dad attend, I know he would leave mom and BOO home without issue, but is that right? Or am I giving him the chance as an adult and its on him what his decision is? And lastly, am I doing the right thing here? Am I blowing this whole vacation thing out of proportion and just being a bitter ass bitch about my moms favortism?
Big girls panties on ladies. Help.
