I've been rocked by a revelation of lies and deceit from my family. Just to give understanding of how I'm now finding this all out. I'm 25. I moved out of my parents home two years ago to move in with my fiance. I have two kids from a previous relationship, and pregnant due next year.
Living with my parents they handled all my personal documents to a certain extent. I have my own accounts and a job, but I mean documents like insurance, certificates, etc.
When I moved out, there were many things I left behind boxed up and my dad told me not to rush myself in collecting them. Life became so busy I didn't get the chance to go get the boxes. I was only able to do so recently because we moved further and the distance would be too much. I called my parents letting them know I was going to their house to get my stuff. I still have a key. They said ok. At home I found boxes with my and my other siblings names and the words certificates and insurances written on them. Knowing I didn't have those important documents, I went through the box with my name to see what would be beneficial for me to take. I came across a copy of my birth certificate. I never saw my birth certificate before, so I looked at it and read every written word. On it, the name of my father listed is not my father. It's of another man. I was baffled. I didn't know what to think. It was common sense, but still had me baffled. I took a picture from my phone and sent it to my fiancé who was baffled. He told me either talk to my parents or go gather further information on my own. I took it with me, put back the boxes properly, took my own boxes, and left.
I messaged my mother we needed to talk urgently. She told me she was busy and would talk when she had free time. I just drove my ass to the court to get my original birth certificate. Days passed, and I got it. I went into full investigative mode and came home searching my biological dads name in state. Having his birth date helped me and I was able to find him. He's remarried, has children, and grandchildren. I looked up the names associated with him on facebook, and found photos of him. He is also on facebook.
I went to my mom and asked her to explain to me why I was lied to. She told me it was for my well being, she was young at the time, and the racial tension between she and my biological fathers family made her leave him. My mom is black, my dad is white. I found it baffling. She informed me my dad who raised me is my dad, and finding out the past should remain buried, and not go looking for answers which would be met with trouble. I asked her repeatedly why she lied to me and couldn't have done right by telling me about my life. She didn't want me to face the tensions she got from his family and the so called fights they had. She left him when I was five months and moved on. She seemed to have moved on really fast because my brother is near in age to me. So she hooked up with her husband really fast.
I found out from reading my father's facebook that he's a fire chief, lives two hours away, and visits my area a lot. On his facebook which is public, he had a post about his recent visit here, and the memories he has here. On that very post, he had two photos and in it were my uncle (my moms brother), and an aunt. I was more baffled. I called my uncle and aunt asking them about so and so. My uncle asked if I was given permission to ask about him, I told him no, but found out, confronted my mom, and she told me things. I told him I found out my father's life and the photo I found. He told me my dad is still close with him and my aunt, and they each visit one another regularly. I asked about what my mom told me about my dads family. He told me "you need to dig harder and I'm not going to spek on something im not at liberty to talk about." My aunt said the same thing.
I went to my mom with everything again. She stood by her story, told me not to seek him out, and try understanding why she did it. I didn't care, and drove to where he lives. He recognized me because he has seen a photo of me and my kids from my aunt. He welcomed me and knew I would have sought him out but never thought so early. I asked him about what happened, and how I stumbled across my birth certificate. He told me what my mom told me was half truth. His family aren't racist and never had problems with her. He told me she cheated on him with the man who raised me, and when he found out, she had walked away from him with no care. She moved in with the guy, and to be fair, she and my biological dad worked out an agreement where he gave her money for supporting me. He had been giving her money right up to high school. He and my uncle remained close because my uncle knew the truth, as does my aunt. He's tried to reach out to her in the past to get her tell the truth, and meet me, but she kept making excuses. Her husband even assaulted my dad once when my dad was in town to give me a gift for a birthday.
He didn't push himself on me, he let me have time to think it through. I went back to my mom with what I was told and she stood by her story, but said yes the assault was true, and my dad had been helping finance me. She says her husband is my dad, and not my biological dad. I told her she deliberately kept my dad from wanting to be in my life, and I couldn't believe anything she said anymore.
I've visited my dad, he's met my fiancé and kids, I've met his wife, my siblings, their kids, and my grandmother. I feel accepted and happy with them and wish to move out to where they live so we are all closer. I've ignored my mother, not in a cut off or time out manner, but just ignored her. She hates im letting a man and his family who don't know me or my kids be involved in my and their life, and stopped communicating with her and her husband. My siblings I grew up with tell me I'm being cold hearted by ignoring our mother instead of making reconciliation.
She wrote me a letter asking I arrange a meeting between her, me and my dad. She feels she deserves to have a say in things instead of being thrown to the side like garbage. I showed it to my dad and he doesn't want to have the meeting. Over the summer I spent time with him and guess who showed up by themselves? My mom. She was angry and claimed my dad told me lies to get me beleive him over her. She was mad because she said she raised me all my life, supported my kids, etc, and my dad did nothing. He asked her to leave and when she did, she took a piece of wood and smashed his car light.
He filed a report on her and asked she stay away from him. Now, she, her mom, and her husband along with my siblings are telling me I drove her to snap because I pursued things on my own instead of giving her time to tell me things. I don't know what to do.
Would you cut her off or place her in time out?
I'm planning on moving to my dad, but don't know whether to maintain a relationship with my mother and family.
Living with my parents they handled all my personal documents to a certain extent. I have my own accounts and a job, but I mean documents like insurance, certificates, etc.
When I moved out, there were many things I left behind boxed up and my dad told me not to rush myself in collecting them. Life became so busy I didn't get the chance to go get the boxes. I was only able to do so recently because we moved further and the distance would be too much. I called my parents letting them know I was going to their house to get my stuff. I still have a key. They said ok. At home I found boxes with my and my other siblings names and the words certificates and insurances written on them. Knowing I didn't have those important documents, I went through the box with my name to see what would be beneficial for me to take. I came across a copy of my birth certificate. I never saw my birth certificate before, so I looked at it and read every written word. On it, the name of my father listed is not my father. It's of another man. I was baffled. I didn't know what to think. It was common sense, but still had me baffled. I took a picture from my phone and sent it to my fiancé who was baffled. He told me either talk to my parents or go gather further information on my own. I took it with me, put back the boxes properly, took my own boxes, and left.
I messaged my mother we needed to talk urgently. She told me she was busy and would talk when she had free time. I just drove my ass to the court to get my original birth certificate. Days passed, and I got it. I went into full investigative mode and came home searching my biological dads name in state. Having his birth date helped me and I was able to find him. He's remarried, has children, and grandchildren. I looked up the names associated with him on facebook, and found photos of him. He is also on facebook.
I went to my mom and asked her to explain to me why I was lied to. She told me it was for my well being, she was young at the time, and the racial tension between she and my biological fathers family made her leave him. My mom is black, my dad is white. I found it baffling. She informed me my dad who raised me is my dad, and finding out the past should remain buried, and not go looking for answers which would be met with trouble. I asked her repeatedly why she lied to me and couldn't have done right by telling me about my life. She didn't want me to face the tensions she got from his family and the so called fights they had. She left him when I was five months and moved on. She seemed to have moved on really fast because my brother is near in age to me. So she hooked up with her husband really fast.
I found out from reading my father's facebook that he's a fire chief, lives two hours away, and visits my area a lot. On his facebook which is public, he had a post about his recent visit here, and the memories he has here. On that very post, he had two photos and in it were my uncle (my moms brother), and an aunt. I was more baffled. I called my uncle and aunt asking them about so and so. My uncle asked if I was given permission to ask about him, I told him no, but found out, confronted my mom, and she told me things. I told him I found out my father's life and the photo I found. He told me my dad is still close with him and my aunt, and they each visit one another regularly. I asked about what my mom told me about my dads family. He told me "you need to dig harder and I'm not going to spek on something im not at liberty to talk about." My aunt said the same thing.
I went to my mom with everything again. She stood by her story, told me not to seek him out, and try understanding why she did it. I didn't care, and drove to where he lives. He recognized me because he has seen a photo of me and my kids from my aunt. He welcomed me and knew I would have sought him out but never thought so early. I asked him about what happened, and how I stumbled across my birth certificate. He told me what my mom told me was half truth. His family aren't racist and never had problems with her. He told me she cheated on him with the man who raised me, and when he found out, she had walked away from him with no care. She moved in with the guy, and to be fair, she and my biological dad worked out an agreement where he gave her money for supporting me. He had been giving her money right up to high school. He and my uncle remained close because my uncle knew the truth, as does my aunt. He's tried to reach out to her in the past to get her tell the truth, and meet me, but she kept making excuses. Her husband even assaulted my dad once when my dad was in town to give me a gift for a birthday.
He didn't push himself on me, he let me have time to think it through. I went back to my mom with what I was told and she stood by her story, but said yes the assault was true, and my dad had been helping finance me. She says her husband is my dad, and not my biological dad. I told her she deliberately kept my dad from wanting to be in my life, and I couldn't believe anything she said anymore.
I've visited my dad, he's met my fiancé and kids, I've met his wife, my siblings, their kids, and my grandmother. I feel accepted and happy with them and wish to move out to where they live so we are all closer. I've ignored my mother, not in a cut off or time out manner, but just ignored her. She hates im letting a man and his family who don't know me or my kids be involved in my and their life, and stopped communicating with her and her husband. My siblings I grew up with tell me I'm being cold hearted by ignoring our mother instead of making reconciliation.
She wrote me a letter asking I arrange a meeting between her, me and my dad. She feels she deserves to have a say in things instead of being thrown to the side like garbage. I showed it to my dad and he doesn't want to have the meeting. Over the summer I spent time with him and guess who showed up by themselves? My mom. She was angry and claimed my dad told me lies to get me beleive him over her. She was mad because she said she raised me all my life, supported my kids, etc, and my dad did nothing. He asked her to leave and when she did, she took a piece of wood and smashed his car light.
He filed a report on her and asked she stay away from him. Now, she, her mom, and her husband along with my siblings are telling me I drove her to snap because I pursued things on my own instead of giving her time to tell me things. I don't know what to do.
Would you cut her off or place her in time out?
I'm planning on moving to my dad, but don't know whether to maintain a relationship with my mother and family.