I posted this on a different board but didn't get much feedback. I've been lurking a long time but finally had to post because I haven't come across a situation close enough to mine. Basically my dh is the scapegoat in a toxic, narcissistic family. A lot of the background is typical of what I read here except they cycle between ignoring and engulfing.
Background for current situation
Usually we can go a few months without talking to pils. Once a holiday or event is coming up they start contacting us and we start talking again. Once we're back on speaking terms they start pushing for more. We stick to our boundaries (stuff like "You can't invite yourself over") and also start to ignore calls and they eventually stop contacting us until the next event. I don't know if they are punishing us for not giving them what they want or they got what they needed to play gpoty for that holiday. Either way they give us the silent treatment for a while. If something comes up while they are ignoring us then we hear from gc bil. He'll call with random questions or ask for pictures. Dh usually doesn't send pictures but will respond.
Current situation
Dh would like to back away from his family and co but we're afraid a co letter would bring out their bsc. We thought a slow fade might work since they don't always seem that interested anyway. Pils have been ignoring us for the past few months but gc bil has tried sending some messages. My dh ignored him so gc bil went to a mutual friend to see if he's talked to us and if he knew why we are mad. Friend told him we're fine and to keep him out of it so we know ils know that we are fine. After that pils sent 2 email coupons but didn't say anything in the emails. Few more weeks later and they seem to be ramping up. Gc bil and mil have left multiple messages saying they haven't heard from us and are worried. They know we are fine!
We haven't responded but I'm worried they're going to escalate further.
Should we just bh or should we tell them to back off then bh? Anyone dealt with something similar?
Background for current situation
Usually we can go a few months without talking to pils. Once a holiday or event is coming up they start contacting us and we start talking again. Once we're back on speaking terms they start pushing for more. We stick to our boundaries (stuff like "You can't invite yourself over") and also start to ignore calls and they eventually stop contacting us until the next event. I don't know if they are punishing us for not giving them what they want or they got what they needed to play gpoty for that holiday. Either way they give us the silent treatment for a while. If something comes up while they are ignoring us then we hear from gc bil. He'll call with random questions or ask for pictures. Dh usually doesn't send pictures but will respond.
Current situation
Dh would like to back away from his family and co but we're afraid a co letter would bring out their bsc. We thought a slow fade might work since they don't always seem that interested anyway. Pils have been ignoring us for the past few months but gc bil has tried sending some messages. My dh ignored him so gc bil went to a mutual friend to see if he's talked to us and if he knew why we are mad. Friend told him we're fine and to keep him out of it so we know ils know that we are fine. After that pils sent 2 email coupons but didn't say anything in the emails. Few more weeks later and they seem to be ramping up. Gc bil and mil have left multiple messages saying they haven't heard from us and are worried. They know we are fine!
We haven't responded but I'm worried they're going to escalate further.
Should we just bh or should we tell them to back off then bh? Anyone dealt with something similar?