Hi All, long-time lurker, first time poster...anonymous for the usual reasons. I would appreciate some help navigating my situation with my husband (DH / DuH?) and MIL. I am wondering if I missed some red flags along the way, and am wondering if they will be obvious to me after I write this all out, or if you all believe that I have been handling this correctly.
BG: husband is from a tight-knit (enmeshed) family. They all know everything that is going on with each other, triangulate in order to keep each other in line and everyone is afraid to upset MIL. I, on the other hand, do not really mind rocking the boat and am more conerned about setting boundaries and keeping balance, peace and quiet in my life. Prior to the baby, we saw his family a few times each summer (lots of birthdays and bbq's) and then less frequently over the rest of the year. It worked out to maybe 6 times in total all year. We were fine with this cadence. My MIL is my BEC (some examples below):
- She seems like a nice person on the surface, but is actually very mean. She will get people to do something for her that is outside their area of expertise (i.e., asking brother to set up her computer network) and then get mad and talk badly about them to everyone that will listen that they did not do the job correctly instead of just hiring someone to do the job.
- She seems to lack compassion and thinks she is the most important person (HBIC). Before Christmas her brother called to ask if we could adjust the day-of schedule to do gifts earlier in the day as his wife was suffering from an ulcer and may not be able to last the whole day. She told them no and complained to everyone else that would listen that she was not going to adjust her schedule for them and how dare her brother call and ask her that (WTF... he was being a good husband)
- When I was 20 weeks pregnant and finally showing (as opposed to just looking fat) she told me in a loud voice in TWO seperate conversations that my 'stomache was too big' - this was literally the moment she became my BEC. Wish I had said something in return but I was so shocked by the comment that I walked out of the room.
- When we had our baby, we lived an 8 hour flight away. We did not want any visitors staying with us and figured since we were coming back to the states within 6 weeks of birth that it would be better for folks to wait to meet the baby. Partly due to cost of them flying out, our very small apartment, the fact that they would want to be in our business 24x7 and that we did not want people with strong opinions making us question ourselves as new parents - also, I am a private person and wanted time to bond as a family. She kept telling us that she is good at 'helping' and that if she came I could go read books and relax in the park (I have no idea why she thought reading by myself in the park was a selling point). I stood my ground, DH supported me and we kept the post-partum time to just ourselves.
- She hears what she wants to hear - for our last visit in August (BBQ for our baby to meet family), we suggested that we celebrate all the August birthdays at once as it would be difficult for us to travel back and forth + we were visitng my family as well. She said OK, but then when we visited in August, she said that she was not going to share her birthday and will have a seperate celebration.
- She is what I call a 'grabby grandma' and will run out of the house when we get there and grab the baby from me as soon as I unbuckle him from the car seat, and not even say hello to us. I have called her out on this, as I find it weird... can't even say hello, probably won't slow her down on the way to the baby! I may be being petty, but it really bugs me. Not to say that my family is not annoying at times, but they at least recognize that we are a family unit and that you should still be nice to us now that a baby is here.
- I could list many more - but at the end of the day, she is from a culture where she expects to play a big role / see her grandchild all the time (her mom down the street from her when she had her children) and that is not the experience that I had growing up (Grandma was 6 hours away and seen 4x a year max. She said to my husband "just so you know, we are not going to be moving to your area" out of nowhere when we have never asked or discussed it before and she recently mentioned that she now "understands why Grandparents move close to their Grandkids". She has a granddaughter through her daughters husband (he had her from a prior relationship) and until we have another child, there do not appear to be any new kids on the horizon.
Our Problem (sory took so long to get here): Since having the baby (May), MIL wants to see the baby more often. When we were pregnant, however, my husband and I agreed that every 6-8 weeks was reasonable. We have a lot going on in our lives and dealing with her is exhausting. While my family is way more reasonable, I had did have a conversation with them about how we would be seeing them every other month or so. They were dissapointed, but understood and their only question was, 'then let's get the next visit on the calendar'.
I learned today, that my husband did not have the same conversation with his mother, which has lead to our current problem. She called him last weekend and asked if we could get together this weekend. He said he would get back to her. When he did, he told her that we had plans and apparently, she had a case of the SAAADZZZZ. He said she was upset (keep in mind that we never made any commitment to see them this weekend). I said that is OK that she was sad and that she can feel however she wants to feel. He just kept saying she was sad, so I beandipped. He then got a text from his sister saying his mother was sad, I beandipped again. He was standing strong, so I thought this was over and a gold star would be awarded.
A few days later DH called MIL to thank her for the birthday gift that he recieved and instead got FIL. MIL was busy, but FIL would have her call. Well, she never called... DH assumes she is angry at him. I say ok, and tell him again that she can feel however she wants, but it seems silly to not talk to you because she is that mad over something we never agreed to in the first place. Conversation ends there and I think we are good...until this morning.
Hubby now wants to invite them up this Sunday as we are now free. I want to just hang out at home and relax without them. He feels that if we do not have plans and they want to visit, we should accomodate. I feel that we do not need / want to see them, that he needs to have a conversation with his mother to let her know that we are not going to be seeing them so often (as we agreed during pregnancy). He said that the conversation will not go well and she expects to be in our lives more. I asked him if he wants me to have that conversation with his mother and he said sure (ummm... not what I was expecting). I told him that it was not fair that I had the conversation with my family and that they are being respectful, and that he did not have the same conversation. I feel like my family is getting punished for being respectful and that he is just too afraid of MIL. I asked him what he expects will happen if we talk to her and he said that she will 'just blame you (me) for not wanting to have her here more'. I said that it is a decision that WE made together and that she is more than welcome to think what she wants in her mind, but that I am not budging on this.
So, I am not sure what to do:
- Am I being too mean and just let them come this weekend as we are now in fact free? Do I need to then invite my family as well?
- How can I get on the same page as DH - I am thinking we need a few counseling sessions. We did them before getting married and were helpful to make sure we were on the same page, probably need to do the same thing now that we have a baby
- Do I just have the conversation with MIL. I really do not care if she is mad at me, but would prefer to keep peace. Also, would like my DH to step up and stop being scared of her.
Thanks in advance and can provide more information as necessary.