I will preface this by saying that I realize I needed to have a spine years ago and have made MANY mistakes with my MIL but I am trying to rehab and use my words to tell her no and set boundaries (though I still need to continue to improve in this area).
BG - MIL basically ignores everything I say but does it very passive-aggressively and behind the scenes (ie with my dh and FIL), she blames her chronic illness for memory loss and her general naïveté (she's always innocent no matter what she says).
Anyway - with my first child she barged in the room while I was pushing and took pictures of EVERYTHING, even though we'd had several discussions about the fact that I did not want her in the room and I wanted NO ONE down at the business end. There is a lot more annoying shit that took place including lots of uninvited visits from them and also they harshly bounced my newborn every time they held him. I had to remind them constantly that he didn't need that much movement and cautioned them against shaken baby syndrome (it was that forceful).
2nd birth was at home and thankfully I went into labor while she and FIL were a ways away with our first child. They came over after the birth and met 2nd child after first child did (which is what I wanted). They shook my newborn again when they held him and I had to remind them AGAIN that he didn't need constant motion.
3rd child again at home - dh called them once she was born and told them that I was exhausted, lost a lot of blood, and that we were having a very small birthday party for her that evening so I would have a few hours to rest before our closest friends and family came to meet her. They said they were already in the car, on the way. He told them to turn around because I needed to rest and they refused. They showed up and stayed for several hours (shaking my newborn) so I got zero rest after a fast labor that took me a full week in bed to even begin to recover from.
4th child is due any day. They have become more detached over the years and I'm not even sure they know when I'm due (but they know it's soon). They have no role whatsoever for the birth and we are not planning to tell them when I go into labor. I have two questions for you guys:
1) is it fair/right/considerate of dh/whatever to not tell them about the baby being born for several to many hours (we'll text my out of town family and Dh's out of town family potentially but what if we just leave them off the text message and block them from any posts we make on the debil)? I want to share our happy news with people who will respect our space and not feel entitled to visit, and my mom and my doula friend (who will both be here) have been instructed to ignore anyone who knocks on our door, including ILs, but I would rather not have them come over at all vs having them show up without being invited and have a scene when we refuse to allow them in our home. I'm not opposed to them visiting - I just want to make sure they wait until we are ready for visitors before they drop by.
2) what is a firm but gracious way I can communicate and enforce that they will not be holding the new baby? I've already been telling dh that even he won't get as much holding time since this is our last baby - I'm going to be very selfish with him/her especially during his/her first few days of life. I've also informed my mother that she won't get to do a lot of the "firsts" that she usually takes care of like bathing and dressing the baby for the first time. I want all those firsts for myself and if I'm not strong enough to do them, then they'll have to wait. I know ILs will expect to hold (and shake) the new baby within hours of his/her birth, but it's just not going to happen and I want to be prepared so I don't acquiesce in my exhaustion.
Thanks DWILers!
BG - MIL basically ignores everything I say but does it very passive-aggressively and behind the scenes (ie with my dh and FIL), she blames her chronic illness for memory loss and her general naïveté (she's always innocent no matter what she says).
Anyway - with my first child she barged in the room while I was pushing and took pictures of EVERYTHING, even though we'd had several discussions about the fact that I did not want her in the room and I wanted NO ONE down at the business end. There is a lot more annoying shit that took place including lots of uninvited visits from them and also they harshly bounced my newborn every time they held him. I had to remind them constantly that he didn't need that much movement and cautioned them against shaken baby syndrome (it was that forceful).
2nd birth was at home and thankfully I went into labor while she and FIL were a ways away with our first child. They came over after the birth and met 2nd child after first child did (which is what I wanted). They shook my newborn again when they held him and I had to remind them AGAIN that he didn't need constant motion.
3rd child again at home - dh called them once she was born and told them that I was exhausted, lost a lot of blood, and that we were having a very small birthday party for her that evening so I would have a few hours to rest before our closest friends and family came to meet her. They said they were already in the car, on the way. He told them to turn around because I needed to rest and they refused. They showed up and stayed for several hours (shaking my newborn) so I got zero rest after a fast labor that took me a full week in bed to even begin to recover from.
4th child is due any day. They have become more detached over the years and I'm not even sure they know when I'm due (but they know it's soon). They have no role whatsoever for the birth and we are not planning to tell them when I go into labor. I have two questions for you guys:
1) is it fair/right/considerate of dh/whatever to not tell them about the baby being born for several to many hours (we'll text my out of town family and Dh's out of town family potentially but what if we just leave them off the text message and block them from any posts we make on the debil)? I want to share our happy news with people who will respect our space and not feel entitled to visit, and my mom and my doula friend (who will both be here) have been instructed to ignore anyone who knocks on our door, including ILs, but I would rather not have them come over at all vs having them show up without being invited and have a scene when we refuse to allow them in our home. I'm not opposed to them visiting - I just want to make sure they wait until we are ready for visitors before they drop by.
2) what is a firm but gracious way I can communicate and enforce that they will not be holding the new baby? I've already been telling dh that even he won't get as much holding time since this is our last baby - I'm going to be very selfish with him/her especially during his/her first few days of life. I've also informed my mother that she won't get to do a lot of the "firsts" that she usually takes care of like bathing and dressing the baby for the first time. I want all those firsts for myself and if I'm not strong enough to do them, then they'll have to wait. I know ILs will expect to hold (and shake) the new baby within hours of his/her birth, but it's just not going to happen and I want to be prepared so I don't acquiesce in my exhaustion.
Thanks DWILers!