Hi everyone, I am brand new (or returned) to BabyCenter. When I was pregnant with DD in 2013 and planning my wedding, I posted to my birth board about MIL and her crazy antics during wedding planning. Basically, she would only throw the rehearsal dinner if it could be only her family (excluding my family and the wedding party). When we said no, she refused to throw the rehearsal and instead wanted my DH to come to a wedding morning breakfast with just her family and not including me!
She's been trying to talk DH out of being with me since we met. He tells me that she's been this way with all his previous GF's and that it's a HER problem, not a ME problem. I accept that, and have heard him harshly tell her that her behavior was unacceptable. She has since stopped the overt criticisms, and now just makes snide backhanded remarks that DH just ignores.
Since our wedding in Fall of 2013, we've seen her for one holiday (Christmas 2014), and a handful of outings. We're really keeping her at arm's length and she never visits our house - the outings are always in a public place for a couple of hours.
She's always making snide remarks about me BFing the children (she chose to formula feed her son and believes that it's the best way to feed your children, and doesn't understand why I would choose to BF). Last week at a picnic (one of two outings with her since the New Year), DS 3 months old was fussing and she said, "it must be all that breastmilk you're drinking giving you a tummy ache. that stuff is no good!"
Now for the crux:
Last fall, we went up to the mountains where she lives to visit her with our DD (almost 2 at the time) and I was a couple months pregnant at that time. We spent an afternoon with her just having light conversation and watching DD play on a playground, then planned to meet her the next morning for breakfast before heading home. Apparently she stayed up the whole night analyzing everything I told her (really inane stuff like future plans for extra-cirricular activities and vacations) and called my DH at 5:30 in the morning and started screaming about how I don't respect her or the "[DH's Surname] way of doing things". She lives in a ski resort town and thinks because DH and I don't want our 2-year-old taking ski lessons yet that it is ME not repecting her family. (WTH?!). She then came to breakfast (which we told her not to do after her phone call) and pulled out a list she had written down on a piece of paper about all the examples of things we have done to disrespect her. She was so crazed and DD started crying, so my DH grabbed MIL's things and pretty much forced her out of the restaurant. That placated her into stopping the tirade, and DH and I quickly and quietly finished breakfast while MIL sat there silently fuming and then left. I told DH that I was done and never wanted to see her again, and that our children wouldn't have access to them. He said that was fine (and he told me he was relieved I finally saw how crazy his mom was because I'd always been a cheerleader for her and tried to get him to have a better relationship with her - I come from a normal mother - child relationship with my mom and it took me a long time to understand why my husband is so weird and distant with his mom).
Now we're here, seven months later. DH saw his mom a couple of times (to keep the peace), and I let him take DD with him once so they could go sledding (She even requested I not come, and I stupidly allowed it). On DH's birthday at the end of May, I agreed that MIL could take us out to dinner (at this point we also have newborn DS). Since that dinner, we've also had a picnic with her on the 4th of July, and we're booked at a hotel in her town on Christmas 2016 and President's Day Weekend 2017.
So, I know that I've backtracked and allowed her back into my and my children's lives. I can't wrap my head around how to move forward because I really want to set boundaries with her so she can see her grandchildren (DH is an only child and MIL doesn't communicate with her siblings or their families...she's literally all alone in the mountains). I know she's insane, DH knows she's insane. DH talks like he can't stand her, but I think he's so used to ignoring her insanity that he doesn't realize how it affects his family (we haven't been dealing with this woman for decades like DH has). I know that I will never let her have my family without me present again...I will not repeat that mistake. I am looking for tips on how to set boundaries.
DH thinks that we can keep our children safe and that it's okay for them to be exposed to adversity in the form of crazy Grandma. They will realize one day that she's not normal. I want to know if it's possible to keep them safe emotionally if we do short, infrequent, supervised visits with Grandma (DH agrees that she is never allowed to be alone with them).
I just want to reaffirm that DH does not act outside of my wishes, and I don't think he ever would. He doesn't push for a relationship with his mother, but when she pushes for one he and I consult. Everything that's happened has been with my consent and I realize that I was weak a time or two. Just looking for a way to move forward that is best for my family. I know that DH puts me and the children first, and if I demanded it, he would cut of his mom. I'm looking for a way to keep her in our lives in a healthy way...if possible.
So sorry for how long this is. And thank you in advance!