Long time lurker, first time poster. Some BG below as it relates to the question I have.
DH and I are expecting our first. We are 10 weeks and have only told a few close friends, NO family yet. Not planning on telling family until after first trimester. Reason for this is my FOO seems to have an inability to keep private information private - especially as it relates to family gossip/drama and pregnancy. One example of many
*TRIGGER*
my cousin (who I am not close with, not friends on debil either) lost her baby the week before EDD. My MOO found out from her mother(my aunt) and immediately called to tell me, saying "but don't tell anyone, no one is supposed to know, they don't know their mom (my aunt) told me.*END TRIGGER*
When this cousin got pregnant with her rainbow baby, my MOO again called me immediately to tell me even though they were early in first trimester and did not want tell people yet. Again - I'm not close with this cousin, she never would reach out to tell me this information, I feel I had no business knowing these things and felt so badly that my mother ( and cousins mother, and basically all my extended family) feel it is ok to freely share everyone's personal information even when asked not to. When she has called me with things like this (and any call with life updates that aren't hers to share) I usually mention something like "can't wait to hear the news from them!" and bean dip.
The other issue that feels relevant to my present concern is my MOO and FOO love of sharing on debil. We've had several issues with debil in the past - currently I have both of them (as well as several FM extended family members) on restricted/acquaintance settings. Reason being that they have this compulsion to share EVERYTHING I post especially pictures.
Example #1: DH and I had a small intimate wedding that no extended family attended (invited but none could or would travel which was fine by me!). I asked FOO to not post our wedding pics and to not share them (his debil is not private) and he shared them . I called him out and made it clear that it wasn't ok, and he responded that other family just wanted to see and celebrate. To which I instructed him to direct any of those requests to me, and if a family member directly asked me for photos it can be up to me who I choose to share MY photos with.
Example #2: FOO moved on from sharing my photos and once told to stop doing that, he instead saved a photo of my DH and I and uploaded it as his own! Which got an immediate phone call demanding it be removed with an explanation that yes while technically it was not sharing it is still going against my privacy and what I'd asked of him. Told FOO it was disrespectful of me. That earned him the restricted/acquaintance setting.
Example #3: Thought things were going well on debil - occasionally look at FOO to make sure he isn't over sharing. At least a year passed since restricting on debil. DH and I got a puppy! And guess what...the puppy pics texted to my family were immediately uploaded to the debil. "Look at our beautiful grand pup!!!" Barf. Immediately asked my parents to take it down and reminded them to NOT post and share pics that I have privately shown to family. They laugh and said well it's just a puppy and we are so excited! But - they did agree to stop, they apologized and have not done it again (yet) - 7 months and counting.
If you made it this far great! There is SO much BG with my boundary stomping FOO but I tried to limit to specific examples related to this post. I'm sure you see where this is heading:
I am concerned that any loose adherence to debil boundaries will fly out the window when we tell them we're expecting (it's their first grandchild). This is partly why we are waiting so long to tell them - don't want our announcement taken from us! My question is: can anyone help me out with appropriate DWIL approved assertive wording on how to tell them to NOT share everything about my pregnancy and then baby on debil. Do I need to include consequences in the first conversation "I'm sending you a text of the sonogram but do NOT share it or else"? Or do I just request they don't share and see if they can behave?
I know they don't have the best track record but they have made some tiny improvement...my unicorn may be poking out so maybe I just need a swift DWIL kick in the ass as a reality check...
Edited for spelling
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Boundary Setting with FOO before pregnancy annoucement*UD 5, question pg6
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