Hi, ladies. I am posting under a new screen name because the old one contained identifying info. I've been lurking in this group for almost three years and I have gotten excellent tips in navigating family and in law affairs through reading other posts. Finally, I am posting myself hoping to get advice on my specific situation. I've got my BG pants on, the sticky has been read and I am ready for some honest advice and opinions, no matter how harsh. This is pretty long but the background info is very relevant.
DH and I have been together for almost 9 years and married for 4 years. From the very beginning, DH's parents didn't like his choice of mate. After meeting me for the first time, DH mother tried to convince him to meet a woman she had in mind. This was after we had been dating for a few months and I remember having a huge fight with DH who was my BF at the time because he refused to shut down his mom's "matchmaker" suggestions, saying it was just what mother's did in his culture. He's Russian Jewish and I am African American so I do think race and ethnicity play a part in his parents not accepting me. At the time, I had no idea that my DH was being a Duh and neither did he. We were both spineless doormats and have come quite far since then. Anyhow, I continued to date him and over the years his parents continued to say nasty things about me to him but smile in my face. They were and still are very passive aggressive people.
In 2012, what we refer to as the infamous "cole slaw" incident took place. This was less than two weeks before we got married. We planned a nice little romantic cookout at a nearby park for the two of us on memorial day weekend. As we were picking up ice from the store, his mom and dad call to tell us that they wanted to have dinner to celebrate his dad's birthday right that afternoon. His parents went away for the weekend on his actual birthday and were back, wanting us to drop everything we were doing to drive across the city and have a family dinner. My husband showed some backbone for the first time and said "I'm sorry but we have plans already." They huffed and complained but then invited themselves, as well as future BIL, SIL and DN to our cookout. It shocks me looking back that we didn't shut that shit down but we were super spineless, I'll admit. We ended up going to pick up more food and drinks and I stressed about getting it all on the grill with my cousin (who came to help) and DH while they sat around like royalty. I love, love, love Cole slaw and forgot to pick it up so I asked DH to drive to the supermarket nearby and grab it since I was doing all the grilling. His dad remarked "Why does he have to go get it now? Because you said so?" and both parents complained in Russian to him so I wouldn't hear and tried to convince him not to get it. He had no problem getting it for me and went anyway. He got it in 15 min and came back to not only his parents complaining but his brother, saying I was brainwashing him and controlling and that he didn't spend as much time with them since he met me. Keep in mind, he was 32 years old at the time. I was 25 going on 26 and we were both educated, independent adults with careers and our own place together. We were very happy together but they didn't seem to believe it as they were used to controlling their adults son's life, even opening his bank statements. After they behaved so awful that day, my husband argued with them and decided not to see them for a while and finally understood that their behavior hurt me and I was done tolerating it after 4.5 years of putting up with it.
We had been talking about marriage for a while and our reasoning was, his family would never accept me anyway, let's just do it and go on with our lives. My husband reached out to them one last time to kill his unicorn and they told him he was making a big mistake. They tried to convince him I wasn't a good choice saying I was unattractive, overweight (I was in great shape then), uneducated (working on my master's degree at that time) and a poor choice. They even criticized my cousin and brother who were really nice to them. They then lit into my husband saying he was gaining weight, never did anything interesting with his time like museums and most of all he didn't deserve respect. My husband was so incredibly hurt and horrified at what they said about me, he told them they weren't welcomed in his life period. We married at city hall that summer, had a reception where just our friends showed up and a few of my family members. We both went to counseling for some time and lived the next four years in peace with an occasional email from his mom to rugsweep which he blackholed. His father was so angry he didn't speak a word to us over this time and we were fine with that. His parents wanted him to choose and he chose me.
In fall 2013, we had our DS and that is when the flying monkeys started to really start up. His brother argued and harassed us saying they had a right to know their grandson bad my husband stayed firm on our decision not to have them in our lives. His cousin even sent nasty messages to him implying that his mom's feelings were more important than his wife's. He shut her down too. We were enjoying our new baby and we felt like it wouldn't make us happy to have them in our lives trying to control us or our parenting decisions.
This year, I was pregnant with DD and after four years of no contact, I told my husband if he wanted to try, we could reach out to them and let them meet 2.5 year our son for the first time. I felt that I'd be able to set boundaries well as we had a strong nuclear family, my husband was a completely different man and it would not hurt for my son to meet them (my father passed away last year and my mom is a hot mess but trainable and ok in small doses). I felt ready after years of lurking this board to proceed cautiously. We figured, if they were assholes in regard to reconciling we could just continue our lives without them.
In May, they met up with all of us and they acted as if nothing unpleasant had ever happened. My husband actually asked if I wanted to address how they treated me and being 7 months pregnant and dealing with a very rough pregnancy the whole entire way, I said let's just go from here and see what happened. I did this despite the nagging feeling that they got away with saying incredibly nasty and hurtful things with no apology to us, remorse shown. I knew better from lurking here for so many years that people don't change that quickly and that there was a good chance it would go south. Of course, 5 months later, I think it has after a half dozen "plesant" family dinners/outings.
Two weeks ago, we went to their place for Jewish New year dinner. Our son who is 2, was playing on the floor with his 4 year old cousin (BIL's daughter, their eldest GC who they practically help co-parent). They were playing on the floor with a mix of his toy cars we brought from home for him and ones that my in laws bought to keep at their house for both kids to play with. While playing, my son would dump them in the bottom of our stroller and get them again. That's his thing, sorting and dumping and gathering again. When my son got tired and my two month old DD was fussy, I sorted out his toys and we headed out. When we were taking our stroller out the trunk, we saw FIL's magnifying glass in our stroller. We think it got mixed in when both kids were playing. My son was half asleep but I told him "we need to return grandpa's magnifying glass later" and he looked confused as to what I was talking about. Generally, we don't allow him to touch anything at their house as they have many art pieces and breakable items and they wave us off, saying it's fine despite our worries he might break something. He never has and is a generally well behaved kid so we didn't think anything of returning the glass to them after a small talk with our toddler.
Well, his dad was furious and told us we need to talk to him more sternly and threaten to beat him! Said that we were raising a kleptomaniac (our son has never stolen anything before and not mrntion, he's 2!) And argued with my husband who said he's blowing it out of proportion, that we were not going to go beyond the chat we already had with him. Besides, we don't hit our kid so his suggestion made my blood boil. When FIL stopped by to pick it up, we were so upset we didn't let them in to see the kids, just gave them the magnifying glass outside. Still FIL wouldn't drop it and even said that they went through that cars at their house for both kids and they think DS took one or switch it out. My blood was boiling before but I went through the roof with that suggestion because I sorted the cars myself so if anybody took one by mistake, it was me and they are labeling a sweet two year old boy a thief. In laws even had the nerve to ask to babysit him the next day for the afternoon and we said no. They've never been alone with him, always us visiting as a family. I told DH they are on time out now with no date to end it until I cool off. He agrees and is on board fully. We are laidback but not when it comes to protecting our kids.
My questions are: first off, am I over reacting? I'm still mad. If not overreacting, should we address this in writing with in laws so that they know it's a time out or do we just not see them without any discussion before hand. It has been nearly two weeks and we haven't seen them at all. They haven't called us either which leads me to believe that they are engraved didn't take their parenting advice. We honestly don't give a shit because they have no say but I'd love some advice regarding moving forward with a timeout, maybe even cut off. Our little guy is very happy about his "new" grandparents but I don't want their assumptions and twisted views to poison him.
Ps I am sorry for any typos. Typing on a tablet.
DH and I have been together for almost 9 years and married for 4 years. From the very beginning, DH's parents didn't like his choice of mate. After meeting me for the first time, DH mother tried to convince him to meet a woman she had in mind. This was after we had been dating for a few months and I remember having a huge fight with DH who was my BF at the time because he refused to shut down his mom's "matchmaker" suggestions, saying it was just what mother's did in his culture. He's Russian Jewish and I am African American so I do think race and ethnicity play a part in his parents not accepting me. At the time, I had no idea that my DH was being a Duh and neither did he. We were both spineless doormats and have come quite far since then. Anyhow, I continued to date him and over the years his parents continued to say nasty things about me to him but smile in my face. They were and still are very passive aggressive people.
In 2012, what we refer to as the infamous "cole slaw" incident took place. This was less than two weeks before we got married. We planned a nice little romantic cookout at a nearby park for the two of us on memorial day weekend. As we were picking up ice from the store, his mom and dad call to tell us that they wanted to have dinner to celebrate his dad's birthday right that afternoon. His parents went away for the weekend on his actual birthday and were back, wanting us to drop everything we were doing to drive across the city and have a family dinner. My husband showed some backbone for the first time and said "I'm sorry but we have plans already." They huffed and complained but then invited themselves, as well as future BIL, SIL and DN to our cookout. It shocks me looking back that we didn't shut that shit down but we were super spineless, I'll admit. We ended up going to pick up more food and drinks and I stressed about getting it all on the grill with my cousin (who came to help) and DH while they sat around like royalty. I love, love, love Cole slaw and forgot to pick it up so I asked DH to drive to the supermarket nearby and grab it since I was doing all the grilling. His dad remarked "Why does he have to go get it now? Because you said so?" and both parents complained in Russian to him so I wouldn't hear and tried to convince him not to get it. He had no problem getting it for me and went anyway. He got it in 15 min and came back to not only his parents complaining but his brother, saying I was brainwashing him and controlling and that he didn't spend as much time with them since he met me. Keep in mind, he was 32 years old at the time. I was 25 going on 26 and we were both educated, independent adults with careers and our own place together. We were very happy together but they didn't seem to believe it as they were used to controlling their adults son's life, even opening his bank statements. After they behaved so awful that day, my husband argued with them and decided not to see them for a while and finally understood that their behavior hurt me and I was done tolerating it after 4.5 years of putting up with it.
We had been talking about marriage for a while and our reasoning was, his family would never accept me anyway, let's just do it and go on with our lives. My husband reached out to them one last time to kill his unicorn and they told him he was making a big mistake. They tried to convince him I wasn't a good choice saying I was unattractive, overweight (I was in great shape then), uneducated (working on my master's degree at that time) and a poor choice. They even criticized my cousin and brother who were really nice to them. They then lit into my husband saying he was gaining weight, never did anything interesting with his time like museums and most of all he didn't deserve respect. My husband was so incredibly hurt and horrified at what they said about me, he told them they weren't welcomed in his life period. We married at city hall that summer, had a reception where just our friends showed up and a few of my family members. We both went to counseling for some time and lived the next four years in peace with an occasional email from his mom to rugsweep which he blackholed. His father was so angry he didn't speak a word to us over this time and we were fine with that. His parents wanted him to choose and he chose me.
In fall 2013, we had our DS and that is when the flying monkeys started to really start up. His brother argued and harassed us saying they had a right to know their grandson bad my husband stayed firm on our decision not to have them in our lives. His cousin even sent nasty messages to him implying that his mom's feelings were more important than his wife's. He shut her down too. We were enjoying our new baby and we felt like it wouldn't make us happy to have them in our lives trying to control us or our parenting decisions.
This year, I was pregnant with DD and after four years of no contact, I told my husband if he wanted to try, we could reach out to them and let them meet 2.5 year our son for the first time. I felt that I'd be able to set boundaries well as we had a strong nuclear family, my husband was a completely different man and it would not hurt for my son to meet them (my father passed away last year and my mom is a hot mess but trainable and ok in small doses). I felt ready after years of lurking this board to proceed cautiously. We figured, if they were assholes in regard to reconciling we could just continue our lives without them.
In May, they met up with all of us and they acted as if nothing unpleasant had ever happened. My husband actually asked if I wanted to address how they treated me and being 7 months pregnant and dealing with a very rough pregnancy the whole entire way, I said let's just go from here and see what happened. I did this despite the nagging feeling that they got away with saying incredibly nasty and hurtful things with no apology to us, remorse shown. I knew better from lurking here for so many years that people don't change that quickly and that there was a good chance it would go south. Of course, 5 months later, I think it has after a half dozen "plesant" family dinners/outings.
Two weeks ago, we went to their place for Jewish New year dinner. Our son who is 2, was playing on the floor with his 4 year old cousin (BIL's daughter, their eldest GC who they practically help co-parent). They were playing on the floor with a mix of his toy cars we brought from home for him and ones that my in laws bought to keep at their house for both kids to play with. While playing, my son would dump them in the bottom of our stroller and get them again. That's his thing, sorting and dumping and gathering again. When my son got tired and my two month old DD was fussy, I sorted out his toys and we headed out. When we were taking our stroller out the trunk, we saw FIL's magnifying glass in our stroller. We think it got mixed in when both kids were playing. My son was half asleep but I told him "we need to return grandpa's magnifying glass later" and he looked confused as to what I was talking about. Generally, we don't allow him to touch anything at their house as they have many art pieces and breakable items and they wave us off, saying it's fine despite our worries he might break something. He never has and is a generally well behaved kid so we didn't think anything of returning the glass to them after a small talk with our toddler.
Well, his dad was furious and told us we need to talk to him more sternly and threaten to beat him! Said that we were raising a kleptomaniac (our son has never stolen anything before and not mrntion, he's 2!) And argued with my husband who said he's blowing it out of proportion, that we were not going to go beyond the chat we already had with him. Besides, we don't hit our kid so his suggestion made my blood boil. When FIL stopped by to pick it up, we were so upset we didn't let them in to see the kids, just gave them the magnifying glass outside. Still FIL wouldn't drop it and even said that they went through that cars at their house for both kids and they think DS took one or switch it out. My blood was boiling before but I went through the roof with that suggestion because I sorted the cars myself so if anybody took one by mistake, it was me and they are labeling a sweet two year old boy a thief. In laws even had the nerve to ask to babysit him the next day for the afternoon and we said no. They've never been alone with him, always us visiting as a family. I told DH they are on time out now with no date to end it until I cool off. He agrees and is on board fully. We are laidback but not when it comes to protecting our kids.
My questions are: first off, am I over reacting? I'm still mad. If not overreacting, should we address this in writing with in laws so that they know it's a time out or do we just not see them without any discussion before hand. It has been nearly two weeks and we haven't seen them at all. They haven't called us either which leads me to believe that they are engraved didn't take their parenting advice. We honestly don't give a shit because they have no say but I'd love some advice regarding moving forward with a timeout, maybe even cut off. Our little guy is very happy about his "new" grandparents but I don't want their assumptions and twisted views to poison him.
Ps I am sorry for any typos. Typing on a tablet.