Alright DWIL, I have lurked this board for years. I had a profile before this one and DWIL has helped me navigate the waters with my inlaws for awhile but now I need direct help for my situation. This might be all over the place, I tried to provide as much BG as possible.
DuH and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and have two LOs, DS (2) and DD (3 mo). My spine is pretty strong for the most part, but everyone tippy toes around MILs feelings.
She is not afraid to invite herself to nuclear family events or times when we want to hang out with certain BIL/SILs and kids. She even invites her friends or sisters to family functions that she is NOT the host of. She asks people what they are doing on a certain night, and everyone is afraid to be vague and tell her they have plans because she's not afraid to say "with who?" "Doing what?" "Can I come?" EVERYONE gets super annoyed when she does this, but DuH and I are the only ones who have told her no on occasion. Normally we say NO because I have to be a total witch and cry and tell my DuH NO WAY for him to listen.
Everyone else just lets her come, so she gets whatever she wants for the most part. If she asks us and if it's our event, we often tell her no. (Because of the OP throwing a fit thing) But if we had plans with a BIL/SIL and MIL asks them, they can't tell her no, so we end up having to spend time with her if we want to see BIL/SILs. To me this is crazy, because my parents would NEVER invite themselves to something I was already doing with someone else. (But if my normal meter is broken in this regard, please let me know!)
Sometimes my DuH will totally have my back. But I think I've been in denial about his DuH status. He will say the right things, and keep his word on some boundaries, but on little ones he will let things slide again and again and again until it feels like death by one million paper cuts.
Oh gosh guys, this post will be SO long. MIL is pulling the same old crap again and I told DuH I'm sick of it. He'll said we'll talk about it tonight, so I need your help to get my thoughts straight.
BG: Same old same old, had a fairly good relationship with MIL until my son was born 2 years ago. She started to make passive aggressive comments about the schedule I put him on and how I prioritized his naps over her getting to visit whenever was convenient for her. (She had once tried to drop in during her lunch break, DS was napping. She was upset that I wouldn't wake him up for her. Sorry, I think sleep is more important for babies than old women getting what they want.) She treats our home like an extension of hers (all of her sisters and mom are like this too and goes through our fridge and cabinets and takes our food.) She is too trusting and invites all sorts of random "family friends" that she hasn't seen in 15-20 years to our extended family dinners when they are in town. I get nervous around these people because who the heck are they? We have no idea what kind of person they are, but to MIL they are a life long friend because they worked with each other for two weeks 20 years ago, and they haven't talked since but reconnect on FB. I don't let my son out of my sight if random people are there, but next time she does that I'll just take my children and leave.
(I know that MIL is my BEC by the way. All of her little stomps on the past make it so hard for me to forgive her.)
MIL and FIL divorced when DuH was 11. MIL took that as a chance to be a teenager again. Her and FIL married when she was 17, so I think she thought she didn't get to enjoy her youth. (Not my problem!) She worked full time and then went on dates frequently during the week. My DuH and younger BIL were basically raised by their older sister and a neighborhood babysitter. DuH doesn't remember much about his childhood. (To me that's a warning sign!) Any bad things I have heard from DuHs sisters. They all can't stand MIL either, but all of her DSs seem to have amnesia as to what a crappy mom she was. MIL has been remarried to SFIL for 16 years. He is often with his DS, so MIL gets lonely. (Not my problem.)
We had a CTJ with MIL in June of 2015. I had had it with her showing up 30-45 minutes early to everything and expecting to be entertained when I wasn't ready, making comments about my strictness over nap times to me and basically everyone else behind my back and being disrespectful to me in my own home(digging through cupboards, inviting her sisters to come over without asking us.) I had complained so much to DuH and wanted him to do something about it. He told me that if they bother me, I should talk to her about it like an adult. He said he'd help me. His argument were those things didn't really bother him, so he thought I should address it. (Big fatty DuH, I know.) he said he could see my side though. (Face palm.) We called her, DuH mainly talked and did well for the most part except he kept saying "OP feels" and "OP would prefer" instead of "WE feel, WE prefer." I told him to say we next time, he felt bad and realized that was a screw up and set me up to be the big bad daughter in law.
Since that CTJ, things had gotten better, mainly because I guess MIL was afraid of me and so she kept her distance. That made me happy as can be. I personally don't think relationships with GPs are that important. I saw mine once a year and was totally fine with that as a kid. Anyway, MIL has started asking DuH if I'm mad at her. He said "I don't know, you should ask OP." (😡 Okay okay, no denying he's a DuH.)
I ripped him a new one over his response. He said he still thinks that if I'm upset with her, it should be me to deal with it. I've said the leave and cleave, I've said there is no middle, he should always choose me and my feelings, but he claims that he does. If he did, I wouldn't feel like this. And frankly it's his fault that I hate his mom so much. If he had backed me up better with my boundaries, I might actually be okay being near her at times, but she is so past BEC to me I think it's unfixable.
Wow, so long. Anyway, the current problem: we had plans to spend the afternoon/evening with DuHs younger Brother and his wife tomorrow. We are great friends with them, but only get to hang out once every 2-3 months because we are crazy busy. MIL texted SIL and asked what she's doing tomorrow. SIL is too nice and told her our plans. MIL said "oh fun! We'll join you!" (She has done this MANY times. Almost anytime we try to hang out just the 4 of us, MIL finds out and invites herself. no one tells her by their own admission, she just pesters everyone for their plans.)
I am LIVID. I don't want to see her. We had an extended family event last weekend and I already spent time with her there. I need a good 4 or 5 months between visits with her, heck, I'd be fine seeing her once every 10 years. Part of the plan tomorrow was for the men to go to an event for a few hours that night, and SIL and I would watch a movie with the babies while they're gone. SIL is one of my BFs. Now MIL will be with us without DUH and I'm so so mad.
I want to cancel, but I know that would severely damage our relationship with this BIL/SIL. We haven't gotten to spend time with them in quite awhile and the last thing we had set up we had to cancel on them. I can tell they feel like they aren't a priority in our lives right now (we're the busiest we've been in a long time so social calls hardly happen).
I want DuH to tell MIL that we had existing plans, and we'll see her later on in the future. I want him to essentially uninvite her. He thinks I should be the one to do that, but then he also told me to consider her feelings and how she would feel to be excluded.
I told him her poor whittle hurt feelings win EVERY SINGLE TIME and I'm so sick of it. What about my hurt feelings? What about my feelings of frustration and anger that this woman is constantly forcing herself on me? How many times has he had to hang out with my dad or mom with out me there? (NEVER)
He said we'll have a "positive and productive discussion about it tonight." I'm pissed. He is putting her first. Please, help me put into words how he is doing this, because he doesn't see it. I'll tell him he's putting her first, and he says "she knows you're my number one!" But anytime she invites herself, its "think of her feelings." HELP ME!
And feel free to put me in place with what I'm doing wrong too. We go in circles over this stupid woman all the time and I'm OVER it. Help us DWIL.
(PS if it helps advice wise, DuH is a lawyer and is very logically minded. He did debate in HS and College and he was very good. I get flustered when trying to describe my feelings sometimes. How can I make him see how he is choosing her over me?)
