Hi All-
I'm need advice and besides seeking the help of a professional (which I'm scheduled to get this weekend!) this board is my next best hope, if only to comeserate with others who might be dealing with the same issues.
I have the MIL from Hell. DH and I have been married almost 4 yrs and dated for 2 before. She's overly clingy to DH, controls every aspect of her family through manipulation, tears and playing each family members' emotions off the other (I swear, she's the original Mean Girl). I've dealt with it silently, for the most part, for this long (and also because no one is allowed to confront her about anything she does for fear of "hurting her feelings" or upsetting her more. (She likes to threaten putting herself into a home so she's not a burden to anyone, even though she's 100% fine and mobile.), BUT our LO is due in April and she's cranked it up like, 1,000% and I'm to my breaking point. I could write a whole post detailing all of the horrible things this woman has done, but just take my word for it that she's less than ideal when it comes to someone you'd want as a MIL.
2 years ago, DH and I moved to NYC from Oklahoma, where all of our family still resides. We only travel back togehter at xmas time. It's always been a fight of how much time we spend with each family (my parents are divorced and not at all civil, so needless to say holidays are spent seperately. Even though they refuse to ackowledge each other, they are very open to spending whatever time they can w/ us, though seperately, and never demand specific days, times, etc. I think they realize what hell the divorce causes my sister and I and they don't want to be furtherer of a burden outside of that). To offset any futures issues of fairness, years ago we (DH and I together) created a 3 yr rotation in which each seperate family (his parents, my mom, my dad) each take turns with xmas eve, xmas day and a day around the holiday that we're home of their choosing to celebrate xmas. MIL has ALWLAYS had an issue with this, as shes never had to split any holiday time (BIL doesn't speak to his family, therefore MIL and FIL get all of their holiday time). I've always somewhat caved when it came to the holidays, as DH's parents end up getting more days than anyone due to us using their centrally located house as a landing pad in bewteen traveling the 1.5 hrs to each of my parent's homes, with DH also going home a week before me to spend time with his family because he has more time off work. Needless to say, MIL gets a lot of time with her son.
BUT, upon review of this years plans with DH, he drops the bomb that he's not happy with the rotation (it's MIL's first year to have the other, non- holiday day) and thinks we should start a 4 year rotation, in which his parents always get xmas eve or xmas and each of my parents only get one of those days every 4 years..am I crazy for thinking this is highly unfair?
My reasoning: it's not about my family versus DH's family anymore: our LO will only understand that she has 3 sets of grandparents that love her equally and they should get to see her equally while we're home.
DH's reasoning (in reality its MIL's; i can see her pulling these strings a mile away, I'm on to her game after this many years): It's not fair that he only sees his family one day during the holidays and sees mine for 2 days. MIL likes to say that she's being punished for my parent's divorce. MIL has even made horrible remarks that "she and FIL should just get divorced so they'd get an extra day" and that's really hurtful to me. Who says that???
My issue is I DON"T see my mom 2 days. I DON'T see my dad 2 days. Divorce is a nasty, nasty thing, which he doesn't understand. Issues over family was the main cause for my parent's divorce and I'm truly afraid we're headed in the same direction. I want our child to spend equal time with all 3 families, because in reality, they are truly 3 seperate families.
I've even made an appointment for us to see a Marriage Counselor this weekend, but DH won't commit to going. Issues with his family are the ONLY thing we fight about and it's just getting worse with our LO on the way. HELP!
How do I get DH to see how manipulative MIL is and that I'm looking our for what best for our LO? DH says i'm not taking his feelings consideration of him wanting to spend time with his family, but honestly, I'm more concerned with LO's feelings and well being than mine or DH's. Is this wrong? Am I overly hormonal? I don't want our child to be in the middle of family fighting when I know all too well what that feels like and it's not a fun environment to grow up in.