Hi ladies. I'm going anon for this, because I'm sharing this thread with my husband. I would like us to read your responses and come up with a game plan together. Sorry in advance for the length.
My husband and I are having some trouble dealing with issues around my mother in law, and would like (1) some outside perspectives - would you interpret his mother's comments in the same way I do, or in the way he does, and (2) some advice for moving forward.
Background: My parents-in-law live a plane ride away, so we only see them a couple of times a year. My husband speaks with them on the phone once a week. He has always had a good, if not overly close, relationship with them. They're very generous people, and they've always been there for and supported my husband.
During our wedding planning process, we had a conflict with his parents. Withholding the details to remain anon, but this conflict turned into a very difficult couple of weeks with his mother crying, hanging up on him, and generally being hysterical every time they spoke until my husband and I caved and did what they were asking. We both recognize that, by caving, he and I handled this situation badly. It was a first for both of us, and a definite learning experience.
According to my husband, that was the first time he had ever upset his parents (like... truly, ever in his entire life), and seeing his mother react in this way was traumatizing to him, since he had never upset her before.
Now: Here are a couple of examples of the way his conversations with his mother typically go:
Ex 1:
MIL: How is OP feeling lately?
DH: She's been feeling pretty sick.
MIL: ....[long pause] Oh? Still? My pregnancies were never like that. Most women are only sick for a couple of weeks in the beginning and then they feel fine for the rest of the time.
DH: Well mom, all pregnancies are different.
MIL: Of course, of course, but I never had that at all. I've just never heard of anyone being sick like that. I certainly wasn't.
DH: Yes, but all pregnancies are different.
MIL: .... [long pause] Of course they are. I've just never heard of anything like that before. I'm sure she'll feel fine tomorrow.
- My perspective: This is a pretty obvious passive agressive dig at me.
- Husband's perspective: My mom just doesn't remember what pregnancy is like. She doesn't mean to be rude, her intentions are good.
Ex 2:
MIL: Soon you'll be able to start feeling the baby kick.
DH: OP has actually been feeling the baby kick for a few weeks now.
MIL: Oh she might be feeling flutters now, but soon she'll be able to really feel the baby kick.
DH: Well mom, the kicks have been pretty strong for a while now.
MIL: Sure sure. But when I was pregnant I could tell whether it was a foot or a hand, and your kicks were so strong we could see your footprint on the outside of my stomach. Don't worry, she'll get there eventually.
DH: Ok mom.
- My perspective: Again, rude.
- My husband's perspective: His mom's just excited and trying to share her experiences with us.
So question (1) how would you ladies interpret these kinds of comments from MIL? Am I right in being offended, or is his mother just being excited and I'm overreacting? These comments happen during each of their phone calls each week. He tends to talk to them on speaker phone and I overhear, though am not actively involved in the conversation.
Question (2) how would you ladies recommend that my husband respond to these comments when his mother makes them? Are his current responses adequate, or would you be more forceful?
I'm asking because I would like my husband to be more forceful when his mother says these things, but he feels like her intentions are good, and he's doing enough already. He's gun-shy when it comes to upsetting her, because of what happened with our wedding. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, or send her into hysterics again, especially since he feels like her intentions are good ("she doesn't mean to be offensive").
He feels like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and he's upset at me for putting him in this place where he feels like he's going to need to stand up to his mom.
I feel like his mom is being disrespectful and rude, and not agreeing with her isn't the same as standing up for me. I feel like he's putting his desire not to hurt his mom's feelings, above my feelings which are being hurt by his mom.
Lastly, I feel like his mom has a tendancy to "pat herself on the back" for what a superb job parenting she did. She makes comments like the following:
MIL: I'm so glad that I raised kids who weren't picky eaters. I'm just so glad that I raised such good, healthy, experimental eaters. It's becaue I cooked such diverse foods for you when you were little, and I'm just so proud that I raised you to like everything!
DH: Mmmhmmmm.
She knows full well that I myself am a picky eater, and her SonIL (my husband's, sister's husband) has Chron's disease so she calls him "picky" because of that.
I worry that this is going to inevitably turn into a criticism of my parenting when we have a kid who is a picky eater. My husband thinks this is just his mom giving herself a mental pat on the back, and I'm borrowing trouble.
So folks of DWIL? I may be asking for trouble, but what's your take on it?
Please note: I'm going to be in a work-thing for the next 4+ hours. I'm not hair flipping. I'll come back asap, and we'll be reading your responses together tonight.
ETA: spelling