**Someone recommended I post on here for advice as well (I originally posted this to the babycenter November birthclub community post....appreciate any insights from all of you experts out there!**
Original Post:
Hello-
This is my first post on here, but I've appreciated reading all of the helpful advice and seeing how others' pregnancies are going. I am 37 weeks and 1 day (due November 19th) and feeling very good and generally a good pregnancy with my first; our litle girl!
I NEED ADVICE on how to graciously handle this most unbelieve thing...I've never even HEARD of someone doing this!!
Background:
So here's the issue; a baby shower As an FYI, my husband has a 7-year-old daughter from a previous marriage and his daughter (my stepdaughter) and I have a great relationship...she's at the perfect age for us to have bonded pre-marriage and she is SO very excited for her litle sister to arrive soon!
Now onto my mother-in-law: she's had a very close relationship wtih my stepdaughter, watching her 3 days a week since birth, etc., and feels as if she is her own child, often parenting over my husband and I, but I let him address these issues with her when he feels necessary. Since I have entered their lives about 3 years ago, I can tell that my step-daughter's bond to me has been a really hard thing for her to cope with. My stepdaughter runs to me for comfort if she falls, or clings to me in large famliy settings, etc., and that used to be her role. I do try really hard to downplay it, or encourage my stepdaughter to go sit with Grandma and Grandpa when we see them, next to them while out to eat, etc.
The Issue
My mother-in-law contacted me in the beginning of October asking if I was available Saturday, October 29th in the morning on behalf of her two sisters. No other details; but I assumed they wanted to have a shower, or family get-together (since this is the 2nd child for their side of the family, wasn't expecting a shower to be held in our baby's honor). Well, my female co-workers had already planned a shower for that exact day. So here was my response the next day, via text: "Hi, sorry for delay, I have a shower with work girlfriends that a.m. already. It's very nice of your sisters to be thinking of me and the baby, so please tell them thank you and all are welcome to come visit us and see baby post-arrival if there are no other potential dates beforehand?" Did think it was sort of strange that they only offered one potential date for the shower, so was hoping they could possibly find another option.
She never texted me back, and so I followed up with her sisters via facebook and thanked them for thinking of the baby...they also never responded. About a week later, my mother in law asked my husband if he and his daughter could still come over to their house that day (October 29th) as her two sisters wanted to bring gifts to us before baby arrival. My husband and I talked about it and I thought we should have found time for all three of us to be there to accept the gifts and visit with his two aunts, but ultimately decided to go with what his mother suggested. (She gets upset and it takes her a couple of weeks to get over it if we don't go along with the exact way she has things planned, so we've learned from past).
Fast-forward to this past Saturday: my husband brought his daughter over to his mom's house, and they had a FULL-BLOWN shower lined up, there were about 25 people there! They even invited my father-in-law's relatives to it, so both sides of my husband's family was represented there! My husband had NO idea and he was mortified! The worst part: in the kitchen, he commented to his mom in front of her two sisters, along the lines of, 'well, I guess the plans Grace (his daughter) and I had in an hour aren't happening'. And then his mom got upset at him for saying that in front of her two sisters, since one of the sisters said, 'wait, you didn't know about the shower today?" He said, 'No, I thought Grace and I were coming to open a couple of gifts from you both and then we were going to an amusement park since Sarah's (me) at a shower.
Now onto even worse part, his mom invited a couple of friends and they got gifts for Grace, my stepdaghter, but nothing for baby on the way! They were very thoughtful gifts (a baby book from the perspective of a big sister, etc.). And the card his parents gave was addressed to Grace and they gave her the running stroller we registered for (I run a lot), which is really strange. Some of the guests had cards written out to me, the mom, others were only to Grace, and still others were to me, hubby, and baby.
So I am completely mortified that this happened. I feel bad for how I look to his entire family...did people know I wasn't there due to having another shower, or did they think I just didn't show up for a shower for our baby? My husband talked to his Dad about it and said, 'So, Sarah had another shower and couldn't be here today, and you had to deceive me in order to get me to be here, and so that basically leaves one more person in our family that you wanted here...Grace. Is Mom and her sisters having this shower for Grace?' His Dad said that yes, they decided to still have the shower since everyone's availability had already been checked on and they knew my husband wouldn't have come over if they told him in advance it was a shower and his wife's availability was being ignored.
My husband didn't get an opportunity to speak more to his mom about this before they left on Saturday; once the shower was winding down, his mom took their dog and went for a long walk and didn't come back until everyone was gone....i.e. was doing her pouting thing.
Advice
After reading this really sad way things happened, does anyone have advice on how I should adress this issue? Should I also write in the thank you's to people, even though I wasn't there, and say I'm sorry I missed everyone and wish that I had known there was a shower being held? Or shoudl i just be very gracious and say I'm sorry I missed visiting/being there, but really appreciative of the gifts for Grace and baby? Or should I pretend like the shower never happende?
And then the big doozy: how do I handle/treat my mother in law going forward? Pretend this never happended and try to forgive her and turn the other cheek? Or ignore this woman and realize how toxic she will be to my marriage and family? Or somewhere in the middle? Please help! My mom wants to text her and ask her if she's trying to sabotage her son's relationship, or her relationship with me, her existing granddauther, and granddaughter on the way? At this poing, i am very stressed about having this woman at the hospital once baby is born, and even stressed about having to interact with her in general.
Please help with some valuable advice all you momma's...my heart hurts this happened in our family!
Sarah