**MAY CONTAIN TRIGGERS**
I finished the book "Toxic Parents" a while ago. Thank you for the book recommendation! It opened my eyes to a lot of things that happened in my life, and I'm on the dreaded step of confrontation. After writing it though, I feel better. I feel like it's all out of my mind and heart and now it's on paper.
I kind of feel exposed for posting this, but I want to do this right. Since I have a habit of JADEing and rationalizing thier behavior and making excuses for them, I wanted you guys to read over it and make sure it's DWIL approved.
I'm not sure if this does contain triggers, but I put it just in case. And it's the same format as the letter in "Toxic Parents". I was really struggling.
Okay, enough stalling. Here's the letter:
Dear Dad,
I'm going to say some things to you that I never said before. First, I want to explain why I haven't wanted to be around you the last year. This might come as a shock and might disturb you, but we have a lot of unresolved issues.
When I was a child, I was afraid of you and I hated being around you. You were so absent, especially emotionally, in my life, but you were always available enough to punish me. The smallest things, in your mind, constituted one of those "spankings" with a belt. Those "spankings" left welts on my arms, back, legs and bottom. I would cry and beg you to stop, but, for some reason, that would make the "spankings" worse. You did that to me two, sometimes three, times a week. When I didn't do anything to cause a "spanking", you made things up to punish me. Your yelling always made me feel worthless. You said some horrible and hurtful things to me, and you wouldn't stop until I cried or was "spanked". I felt like I was such a burden in your life.
It hurt a lot when you allowed SM to slap me in the face. You didn't stand up for me or even listen to me. You thought, once again, that physically abusing me was an answer for the smallest problems. Instead of talking to me, you held a mock court to just embarrass me further. When you were ill, you allowed her to kick me out of the house to live with your extended family. Instead of talking to me about problems, you, instead, had "family meetings" and just talked about me. These actions made me feel worthless, a burden, unwanted, and like I was an outcast in my own family.
You were so overbearing and controlling. I couldn't do the simplest tasks; like eat, sleep, take a Tylenol, or talk on the phone with friends without your permission. I had done nothing to betray your trust, but you always treated me like I did. You embarrassed me by taking me to the doctor when I wouldn't eat at the specific times you wanted me to. You embarrassed me when I was sick and the dentist said he couldn't do a filling. You made him leave the room to ask if I was faking it. I was sixteen when those things happened. You thought I was faking it when I had cramps and refused to give me Tylenol. When I had my wisdom teeth cut out, you monitored my pain medication like I was a drug addict and refused to give me the recommended dose. Do you remember how much pain I was in that week? And when my cheeks swelled up, you and SM took pictures on your phone and laughed at me. When I was fifteen, you took away the door to my room as another over-the-top punishment. I don't even remember what I did, but it made me feel so uncomfortable and like I wasn't worthy of living in your home.
You always told me that "children didn't have rights". This made me feel like I was a worthless human being who didn't deserve anything.
My whole life, it felt like you didn't want me to succeed. You made me feel like the only way I would succeed was if I was dependent on you. It felt as if you were trying to cripple me emotionally and mentally so I wouldn't leave you. It was like I had to make you feel important by asking you questions and advice, when I already knew the answers. When I was married and parenting my children, you made me feel guilty for not being able to come see you or talk to you on the phone as often. When I didn't need your help, you and SM made up situations where you thought I would. When I needed a break because the overbearing behavior was too much, you tried to guilt me. These actions made me feel guilty for growing up and having a life outside of your worlds.
All of those things I mentioned, and the ones I didn’t, have affected me in a negative way and damaged my life. You were supposed to be someone who loved me unconditionally, but instead, you hurt me so much. I was afraid of life because you were so controlling and wanted me to be dependent. I had horrible, controlling friends and horrible, controlling boyfriends because that's what I thought I deserved. I had self-esteem issues. I was so afraid of yelling and confrontation for most of my life, because I thought I was going to get "spanked" afterwards. I felt like I was worthless, a problem, humiliated, and so many other things.
Dad, I want you to acknowledge that the harm you did to me caused me a great deal of pain. I would like an apology for the childhood I was forced to go thorough and didn't deserve. I know that most of my life, I have submitted to the control and manipulation, but I won't anymore. I want you to know that I won't tolerate that in the future. I'm sorry that you and I didn't have the relationship we could have. I missed out a lot on not having a father figure and not being able to know what a loving father-daughter relationship is like. In the future, if we want to see each other, you're going to have to accept my ground rules.
I'm grateful that you were a hard worker and great provider. I'm grateful for those wonderful vacations you took us on. I remember your jokes, you picking me up from school on Fridays and taking me to lunch, and when me and my siblings would fight in the car, you would turn on your Riverdance CD on full blast until we stopped. I always found that hilarious.
Also, you might like to know that I'm doing much better in my life now. I'm married to a wonderful man who has taught me so much about love and forgiveness. I have two precious children who I absolutely adore. I have wonderful supportive friends and I'm going back to school for my Masters.
Please write me and acknowledge my letter. We can't change the past, but we can always begin again.
OP
Edited for formatting.