Long time lurker, occasional commenter, I've gone anon because family members. Well versed with the Sticky ![:)]( ":)")
To set the scene, my now-turned duh and I live in a seasonal tourist trap. Summer is a very busy & stressful time for us. He works full time, has a part time job, and then two more semi-part time jobs. I also work part time. We have a toddler and I am 7mo pregnant.
My husbands mother has always been... Difficult. We have never had a great relationship. After becoming pregnant with my first, I joined bbc & subsequently found DWIL. I started putting up boundaries with a quickness & my husband and I started weekly couples counseling. I really started to see my husband changing and learning how to use the right words when dealing with mil.
My birth was great, she came to see baby for a few hours and went home. She managed to totally boundary stomp the next time she visited and I'm still bitter about it. I can provide more details if wanted, trying to get to dilemma at hand.
She visits about once a month now, for an overnight, which is a comfortable compromise for me. I reach out about three weeks in advance and give her one or two dates that work for us. This works well, and she doesn't invite herself anymore. Typically it is a Saturday to Sunday because Saturday is the only day my husband has the day off. Our therapist agreed that he needs to be home to host her. This used to be a problem. It's also relevant that we haven't been to couples counseling in the last year. My husband does go to solo therapy sessions every other week, though, and I imagine they discuss her frequently.
This is getting long. So Friday night I was at work and my duh and mil had a Skype call, I am ok with this. I openly acknowledge she is my bec and prefer the calls to happen when I am not there. I come home from work and he recounts the night and then mentions that mil commented about the house being messy. I saw red. My house is not messy. And even if it was... RUDE! We work A LOT, have a toddler, and I'm pregnant. This is not the first time he has said she made this comment. So I said something to her. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best decision but obv my duh isn't telling her she is being rude and it really is a sensitive subject for me & hurting my feelings. I acknowledge he never should have even told me about the comment, but what's done is done. She denied saying it & threw my h under the bus. He was pissed because he had to hear it from her. I regret getting her involved at all and should have focused on my dumbass husband letting her get away with saying it in the first place.
Needless to say I was licking wounds this morning when she comes at me with this gem.
MIL: I spoke with (Duh) and mentioned coming on Thursday to Saturday to avoid the traffic. Is that ok with you?
Me: I'm confused, I thought we agreed that the 15th & 16th worked for everyone. (Sat/Sun)
MIL: I really want to avoid all the traffic.
Me: I'm sorry but I have already scheduled plans for Friday afternoon and Friday night.
She goes on for more bullshit and by this time my husband and I are arguing. He doesn't see the big deal. He thinks I'm being unreasonable just because it's his mother. I say it's not fair to make plans weeks in advance and then change them because it's convenient for HER. He's not home to host her on Friday. He said she did the right thing by asking, and asking a "week" in advance. I agree asking is better than assuming, but if I say no I'm the asshole and we argue even more.
I know step 1 is to get back into therapy. I'm on that first thing Monday. My duh is working overtime tonight- he just left. We aren't speaking. What do I do next? And I know someone will suggest hotel for me and kiddo during her visit so he can host her alone. Believe me, I would in a heartbeat. But there is not one single hotel that has a room available for this entire month. I don't mind just telling her she can't come but I am just so exhausted thinking of the week of arguing with duh that comes with it. I feel steamrolled, and then think maybe I should just bend a little. Ugh, I am not a doormat, but I just feel too pregnant & tired to handle it.
To set the scene, my now-turned duh and I live in a seasonal tourist trap. Summer is a very busy & stressful time for us. He works full time, has a part time job, and then two more semi-part time jobs. I also work part time. We have a toddler and I am 7mo pregnant.
My husbands mother has always been... Difficult. We have never had a great relationship. After becoming pregnant with my first, I joined bbc & subsequently found DWIL. I started putting up boundaries with a quickness & my husband and I started weekly couples counseling. I really started to see my husband changing and learning how to use the right words when dealing with mil.
My birth was great, she came to see baby for a few hours and went home. She managed to totally boundary stomp the next time she visited and I'm still bitter about it. I can provide more details if wanted, trying to get to dilemma at hand.
She visits about once a month now, for an overnight, which is a comfortable compromise for me. I reach out about three weeks in advance and give her one or two dates that work for us. This works well, and she doesn't invite herself anymore. Typically it is a Saturday to Sunday because Saturday is the only day my husband has the day off. Our therapist agreed that he needs to be home to host her. This used to be a problem. It's also relevant that we haven't been to couples counseling in the last year. My husband does go to solo therapy sessions every other week, though, and I imagine they discuss her frequently.
This is getting long. So Friday night I was at work and my duh and mil had a Skype call, I am ok with this. I openly acknowledge she is my bec and prefer the calls to happen when I am not there. I come home from work and he recounts the night and then mentions that mil commented about the house being messy. I saw red. My house is not messy. And even if it was... RUDE! We work A LOT, have a toddler, and I'm pregnant. This is not the first time he has said she made this comment. So I said something to her. In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best decision but obv my duh isn't telling her she is being rude and it really is a sensitive subject for me & hurting my feelings. I acknowledge he never should have even told me about the comment, but what's done is done. She denied saying it & threw my h under the bus. He was pissed because he had to hear it from her. I regret getting her involved at all and should have focused on my dumbass husband letting her get away with saying it in the first place.
Needless to say I was licking wounds this morning when she comes at me with this gem.
MIL: I spoke with (Duh) and mentioned coming on Thursday to Saturday to avoid the traffic. Is that ok with you?
Me: I'm confused, I thought we agreed that the 15th & 16th worked for everyone. (Sat/Sun)
MIL: I really want to avoid all the traffic.
Me: I'm sorry but I have already scheduled plans for Friday afternoon and Friday night.
She goes on for more bullshit and by this time my husband and I are arguing. He doesn't see the big deal. He thinks I'm being unreasonable just because it's his mother. I say it's not fair to make plans weeks in advance and then change them because it's convenient for HER. He's not home to host her on Friday. He said she did the right thing by asking, and asking a "week" in advance. I agree asking is better than assuming, but if I say no I'm the asshole and we argue even more.
I know step 1 is to get back into therapy. I'm on that first thing Monday. My duh is working overtime tonight- he just left. We aren't speaking. What do I do next? And I know someone will suggest hotel for me and kiddo during her visit so he can host her alone. Believe me, I would in a heartbeat. But there is not one single hotel that has a room available for this entire month. I don't mind just telling her she can't come but I am just so exhausted thinking of the week of arguing with duh that comes with it. I feel steamrolled, and then think maybe I should just bend a little. Ugh, I am not a doormat, but I just feel too pregnant & tired to handle it.