Okay, I have a mean, P/A, and generally BSC MIL. My husband is a DuH, but honestly if she were my mom, I would be too. She's scary. His way of "dealing" with her is to be silent when she's stomping boundaries, and then avoid her for a month or two. He's never been all "Moooooommmmmmyyy," its more like "Thats just how she is. Lets hunker down and maybe she'll go away." Which was fine with me before kids. Honestly, her antics were kind of amusing (Seriously, bitch? You're going to call me a whore for going to church too often?) Obviously, after I had my son, that shit don't fly no more.
I'm going to start calling her on her BS when she does them. You know, like a normal person would. Since neither I nor my DuH have a spine, I'm hoping to use this list to say "Okay. Here's the normal behavior. We agree that it is a normal and respectful behavior. If a person does not stick to this normal and respectful behavior, we will counter with this action." Then DuH and I can roleplay what to do or say when someone stomps a boundary. Baby steps.
I know this list is kind of excessive, but I feel like I need to cover all my bases. This isnt a person used to normal boundaries. Also, I don't think my DuH's family have a normal concept of nuclear family.
A little background:
Its kind of historically the tradition in DuH's family that a mother gives birth and them just drops the kiddo off with grandma and then goes on her merry way. I know that's what my MIL was expecting me to do. She even bitched to my mom about how she was dreading it. When it turned out that I actually liked my LO, and as a SAHM I didn't need a babysitter, she got pretty pissed. (My MOO babysits when I need. MIL has proved over and over that she can't respect my rules. MIL has never been with my son unsuperviesed.)
I had my first kiddo in 2013. He was born 5 weeks early and was in the NICU for 2 weeks. He almost died a couple of times. Postpartum was awful. Between being told when/where/how I could touch my son while he was in the NICU and my MIL coming in and acting like my preferences didn't matter (and my DuH sitting back and letting her), I had some pretty serious issues. There were times when I would actually ask my husband if it was okay for me to change my own son's diaper. Yes, I eventually got myself to therapy.
So obviously I didn't have a spine when my son finally came home, and I really think that people stomping all over my boundaries affected my PPD/PPA, and my ability to bond with my baby.
My husband and I were not on the same page at all when it came to people visiting our son. I handled my family, and for the most part they were fine with my rules. I left my in-laws up to my husband, and he didn't have my back at all. My husband's reaction to most of my wishes was "Well, we can't put him in a bubble." While I agree, I see no reason to expose our family to unnecessary risks. Because we weren't on the same page, he did not enforce "my" rules with his family. Because I had no spine, I didnt either. I want this time to be different.
This time, I plan to have a set of rules for visitors that my DuH is on board with. I will enforce them with my family, and he will have a chance to enforce them with his. If he drops the ball, I will step in.
So, here they are.
After Baby Comes Home
* Do not pick up baby without asking or being offered. (I know this one shouldn't be a big deal, but it really made me feel like I didn't have authority over my own child)
* Do not show up unannounced. (I can't tell you how many times my MIL and or FIL saw my boobs...)
* Do not be in our family's presence while sick. (This should be common sense)
* Do not hand baby off to anyone other than parents unless asked to do so by parents. (Okay, this might be going too far, but it goes back to my "authority" issues)
* Do not tell my son how to behave around baby. (I'm kind of sensitive about this one. My mom wouldn't let me near my little brother when he was little. She couldn't have made our relationship worse if she'd tried. I want to foster a strong sibling bond without pushing.)
* Do not make snide comments about our parenting through baby (ex. "Poor baby, won't mommy/daddy feed you?")
* Do not ignore anything said by parents.
* Give baby back when asked immediately.
* Do not let kids touch baby unless parents are holding baby.
* Wash hands before touching baby
* No telling stories that serve no purpose other than to induce anxiety (Someone's baby died of SIDS, there is a new and super contagious sickness) If I can't do anything about it or protect my family against it, I don't need to know it.
* No trying to wake up baby.
* Plan holidays and major events before hand. Do not show up unannounced. (The last two Christmases, despite spending Christmas Eve with the In-Laws, MIL and FIL have shown up to watch LO open his gifts)
Rules Specific to Flu Season/Germs
* Do not be in our family's presence while sick.
* Answer truthfully when asked if someone is sick. (Once before a family get-together, I made my husband call his parents to make sure no one was sick. He balked at the thought that anyone would come to an event while sick, let alone an event where they knew an infant would be in attendance. I pushed, he relented, and was told no one was sick. We got there and it turned out his BIL had strep throat. I'm ashamed to say we stayed for like 5 hours)
* Kids will not touch baby. (Kids are germy, kids are rough. My infant is not a toy.)
* All guests will remove shoes and wash hands before seeing baby. (Shoes are one of the leading ways germs enter your house. Also, I feel like its just polite to remove your shoes when you go in someone's home. My in-laws NEVER take off their freaking shoes!)
* Do not have your face / breath near baby's face. (I know this is probably asking too much, but come on people - germs!)
* Do not put baby's hands in your mouth (I don't understand the need to do this... But it seriously happened more than once)
* No visiting immediately after being exposed to large populations where it is likely someone will be sick. (ex. school, church, Walmart, doctor's office) There is no reason someone can't come here before running errands. Plan your day accordingly.
So what do you guys think? Am I asking for too much? And do you all have any snappy comebacks for when someone breaks a rule?
Or am I just approaching this in a wrong way? Even though she is a raging bitch, I don't think she's done anything CO worthy. I'm with DuH on trying to avoid a CO if possible.
Also, I came into this relationship a child. I was 14 when I met my DuH, 20 when we got married, and we've been together for 11 years since then. I never set boundaries. Ever. So, I mean, if I'm being diplomatic, how can I blame her for stepping on boundaries she didn't know existed. (Other than, you know, expecting her to be a rational human being.)
*Edited for punctuation and clarity