BG here: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a54033061/mil_is_mother_of_all_rugsweepers_trigger_counseling_update_pg_9
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a54696931/mil_wants_to_meet_with_dh_without_me_there.and_hes_going.
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a55079989/small_update_and_question_about_pa_comments_ud_page_9_beach_trip_ud_pg_16_progress_report
Okay on to the latest and hopefully last installment in our saga. I had our baby yesterday! It was great. Mil had a seriously awful response to a boundary that DH and I had set up and now I think his unicorn is dead. He had to deal with some hurt and sad feelings yesterday, the day that his son was born, which was terrible but I think we came out of it okay and I think things are going to be much better from here on out. He is now really able to see, really see, the person that his mother is.
I'm leaving out a bit of detail because if I included every little thing this post would be a novel (sorry, it is anyway...). Here is the scene for what went down last night though. Mil was at our house, watching DD overnight after my mom had kept her for us during labor and delivery. Mil begged to be able to spend some time with DD during the birth of LO. I thought that was fine bc she'd be at our house and for the most part it would be during the time when DD is sleeping and I can see her on the monitor from my ipad or iPhone.
One of the boundaries that I discussed needing was to have my house guest free after the birth of LO except for people who wanted to just stop by for a bit to say hello and meet baby. Basically, no overnight guests and no staying all day visitors. DH was in charge of communicating this to his mom. The message he sent her told her that she was welcome to stay at our house for the night that we were in the hospital. No specific words about us wanting alone time as a family upon our return.
Aside from a very brief visit at the hospital by my mom and dad, SIL, and MIL, we got to be alone the entire time. I allowed the visitors about five minutes total to hold LO, so they each got about a minute with him before I took him back. As they were leaving the hospital, MIL informs DH that she has brought chicken spaghetti and a nice bottle of wine for us to share for dinner on Thursday night. So that was his clue that his text about her staying overnight only while we were in the hospital was not understood. From that point on, he has a pretty bad day because he knows he's going to have to explicitly tell her that she's not welcome and that she's not going to receive that well. Keep in mind though, at no point was she ever actually invited by us to come up. She invited herself to help watch DD despite the fact that we had arranged for my mom to watch her and she was aware of that. She invited herself to stay the night.
I will post the text conversation DH had with MIL in the comments below. It is four pictures and I have to post them in order. Read those texts before continuing or it won't make sense
So after the texts, which DH pretty much rocked (except for that first one...) MIL calls him and proceeds to attempt the most guilt trippy conversation possible. DH tells MIL about reading "Boundaries" and recommends that she read it. She starts by telling DH how much he has hurt her, DH tells her that setting a reasonable boundary shouldn't hurt her and that he isn't responsible for her feelings. She said that they were going to have to agree to disagree about the reasonableness of the boundary. MIL complains about two Christmases past. Not having a key to our house while believing my mom has one. How DH is now closer to "my family" than to "his family" because of these things. Complained about how the last time she came over we didn't offer her a drink (she apparently forgot about the entire BOTTLE of wine we bought for the occasion) so now she doesn't feel welcome in our home. It was just a lot of bullshit and airing of grievances. She kept repeating, "You just let me know when you want me to be a part of your life." Also said that I've never liked her, never tried, she has always tried to like me, etc, etc. During their conversation I had already called my mom to go back to my house and then MIL decided to change her mind about wanting to leave and told DH to prove how much he wanted her to stay there by calling my mom and telling her to go back home. He told her he wasn't going to do that and that she needed to just go ahead and go when my mom got there. DH ended the call by hanging up on her after she told him that MY family is dysfunctional and that she is sorry that he's a part of it. That was the comment that broke the unicorn's back. (apparently we are dysfunctional because I don't like to hug *most* people so I must not have ever learned how to love.)
So yeah, even though that was a terrible thing to happen on the day our son was born, I think it might end up being a good thing in the end because dh seems to have completely dropped the rope at this point. He isn't willing to move forward with a relationship with her without a serious apology for her actions, for her wanting him to FEEL BAD on the day his son was born. For her to wish him out of the family that he has created with me, on the day we LITERALLY created another member of our family. She totally tried to make the birth of this baby be all about her, and got pissed about the boundary and then even more pissed about the fact that DH kept responding with, "I am not responsible for your happiness and I refuse to take ownership of your feelings."
Anyway, just wanted to update our situation for everyone who has helped by offering support and advice. I dont really know the plans for the future but it seems like DH is wanting to forgo all communication with her except to allow her to apologize, without telling her we want an apology so it will have to be from her. I hope he will be willing/able to BH any non-apology communication, because I know she will try to rug sweep the entire thing. Probably say something like, "We both made mistakes..." I don't really know how I will want to proceed if she calls offering a heartless apology. I'm pretty much over it apology or not. She seems to have a pretty deep hatred for me and my FOO that will prob never go away.
I know I'm probably still riding my wave of feel-good baby hormones, but I'm actually not too mad about all of this. Yes it was drama and DH was sad and mad at certain points of the day, but I got the relaxed birth experience I wanted. I got the relaxed, no one is in my house when I'm still recovering from childbirth setting that I wanted. And I have a precious new baby, the contentedness of knowing my family is complete, and a DH who I am more confident than ever is willing to back me up, stand up for me and our children, and put me and the family we have created together first in his life. And that's a pretty good thing.
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a54696931/mil_wants_to_meet_with_dh_without_me_there.and_hes_going.
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a55079989/small_update_and_question_about_pa_comments_ud_page_9_beach_trip_ud_pg_16_progress_report
Okay on to the latest and hopefully last installment in our saga. I had our baby yesterday! It was great. Mil had a seriously awful response to a boundary that DH and I had set up and now I think his unicorn is dead. He had to deal with some hurt and sad feelings yesterday, the day that his son was born, which was terrible but I think we came out of it okay and I think things are going to be much better from here on out. He is now really able to see, really see, the person that his mother is.
I'm leaving out a bit of detail because if I included every little thing this post would be a novel (sorry, it is anyway...). Here is the scene for what went down last night though. Mil was at our house, watching DD overnight after my mom had kept her for us during labor and delivery. Mil begged to be able to spend some time with DD during the birth of LO. I thought that was fine bc she'd be at our house and for the most part it would be during the time when DD is sleeping and I can see her on the monitor from my ipad or iPhone.
One of the boundaries that I discussed needing was to have my house guest free after the birth of LO except for people who wanted to just stop by for a bit to say hello and meet baby. Basically, no overnight guests and no staying all day visitors. DH was in charge of communicating this to his mom. The message he sent her told her that she was welcome to stay at our house for the night that we were in the hospital. No specific words about us wanting alone time as a family upon our return.
Aside from a very brief visit at the hospital by my mom and dad, SIL, and MIL, we got to be alone the entire time. I allowed the visitors about five minutes total to hold LO, so they each got about a minute with him before I took him back. As they were leaving the hospital, MIL informs DH that she has brought chicken spaghetti and a nice bottle of wine for us to share for dinner on Thursday night. So that was his clue that his text about her staying overnight only while we were in the hospital was not understood. From that point on, he has a pretty bad day because he knows he's going to have to explicitly tell her that she's not welcome and that she's not going to receive that well. Keep in mind though, at no point was she ever actually invited by us to come up. She invited herself to help watch DD despite the fact that we had arranged for my mom to watch her and she was aware of that. She invited herself to stay the night.
I will post the text conversation DH had with MIL in the comments below. It is four pictures and I have to post them in order. Read those texts before continuing or it won't make sense
So after the texts, which DH pretty much rocked (except for that first one...) MIL calls him and proceeds to attempt the most guilt trippy conversation possible. DH tells MIL about reading "Boundaries" and recommends that she read it. She starts by telling DH how much he has hurt her, DH tells her that setting a reasonable boundary shouldn't hurt her and that he isn't responsible for her feelings. She said that they were going to have to agree to disagree about the reasonableness of the boundary. MIL complains about two Christmases past. Not having a key to our house while believing my mom has one. How DH is now closer to "my family" than to "his family" because of these things. Complained about how the last time she came over we didn't offer her a drink (she apparently forgot about the entire BOTTLE of wine we bought for the occasion) so now she doesn't feel welcome in our home. It was just a lot of bullshit and airing of grievances. She kept repeating, "You just let me know when you want me to be a part of your life." Also said that I've never liked her, never tried, she has always tried to like me, etc, etc. During their conversation I had already called my mom to go back to my house and then MIL decided to change her mind about wanting to leave and told DH to prove how much he wanted her to stay there by calling my mom and telling her to go back home. He told her he wasn't going to do that and that she needed to just go ahead and go when my mom got there. DH ended the call by hanging up on her after she told him that MY family is dysfunctional and that she is sorry that he's a part of it. That was the comment that broke the unicorn's back. (apparently we are dysfunctional because I don't like to hug *most* people so I must not have ever learned how to love.)
So yeah, even though that was a terrible thing to happen on the day our son was born, I think it might end up being a good thing in the end because dh seems to have completely dropped the rope at this point. He isn't willing to move forward with a relationship with her without a serious apology for her actions, for her wanting him to FEEL BAD on the day his son was born. For her to wish him out of the family that he has created with me, on the day we LITERALLY created another member of our family. She totally tried to make the birth of this baby be all about her, and got pissed about the boundary and then even more pissed about the fact that DH kept responding with, "I am not responsible for your happiness and I refuse to take ownership of your feelings."
Anyway, just wanted to update our situation for everyone who has helped by offering support and advice. I dont really know the plans for the future but it seems like DH is wanting to forgo all communication with her except to allow her to apologize, without telling her we want an apology so it will have to be from her. I hope he will be willing/able to BH any non-apology communication, because I know she will try to rug sweep the entire thing. Probably say something like, "We both made mistakes..." I don't really know how I will want to proceed if she calls offering a heartless apology. I'm pretty much over it apology or not. She seems to have a pretty deep hatred for me and my FOO that will prob never go away.
I know I'm probably still riding my wave of feel-good baby hormones, but I'm actually not too mad about all of this. Yes it was drama and DH was sad and mad at certain points of the day, but I got the relaxed birth experience I wanted. I got the relaxed, no one is in my house when I'm still recovering from childbirth setting that I wanted. And I have a precious new baby, the contentedness of knowing my family is complete, and a DH who I am more confident than ever is willing to back me up, stand up for me and our children, and put me and the family we have created together first in his life. And that's a pretty good thing.