Wise DWILers, I need some assistance with a minor problem. I have some background on here relating to my Sister, but this is all about my Dad and what an entitled asshat he is. I have a 4 year old DD and a 20 month old DS. Up to March of this year, I was a SAHM and it worked out that my Father and Stepmom would see the kids roughly once a week. Sometimes weekends, or on a Monday as my Stepmom has them off and my Dad wasn't working full time for a large chunk of the last four years.
It wasn't inconvenient at the time and rarely cut into existing family time. My DH works a full time job, plus a side job or two that would occasionally keep him busy on an odd weekend or hobbies that he pursued. As a SAHM with other SAHM friends, I got lots of "downtime" at home with the kids and playdates on the weekdays. All that to say that when my parents wanted a visit it wasn't forced and fit with my lifestyle at the time. But since then, I've gone back to work, my oldest has started extra activities on the weekends as weekdays are harder, we make plans with friends now on the weekends, and I've drawn a harder line with DH about being available on the for family time. Basically, we're your typical family with working parents. The problem, apparently my Dad had some unrealistic expectation that things weren't going to change. It's going to get wordy sorry, so here's the:
TLDR: Dad's been lucky to see DD and DS once a week for years, feels entitled and annoyed that life has changed, taking it personally. Sending pompous-ass style emails and texts in response. I want to say "fuck you, see you in a month" DH wants to go for the pity card. Pity card explanation at bottom if you want it.
I started coming to the realization that I was only asking to see my parent's when I wanted them to watch the kids, or food was involved. So when an event came up that we needed someone to watch the kids for, DH and I asked my non-boundary stomping MIL. It ended up being a rough weekend. I'll add details later, and rough week by the next weekend we had swim lessons, plans with friends and a birthday party to attend. I didn't make time for my father or Stepmom during those two weekends, and here are the exchanges that occurred:
Saturday:
Dad: Call me when convenient.
Me: busy today, probably won't be till tomorrow sometime. Emergency?
Dad: No. Just want to make plans. (Note: I called my Dad and told him we were busy, left a message)
Monday
Dad: Can I visit?
Me: busy at work, kids doing something with the nanny. or napping. not sure.
Thursday:
Dad: Would like to see kids this weekend.
Friday:
Me: Noted, they would love to see you too I'm sure. We've got another busy weekend though, so not sure we'll be able to squeeze a visit in. What's your availability?
Dad: All day sat or sun. Morn or eve flexible. Afternoon need notice.
Sunday:
Dad: Still no time for family?
Me: Did that not sound a little passive aggressive to you? and we've been busy Or maybe guilt trip(ish), passive aggressive is probably too strong of a word.
Monday:
Dad: Got texts this morn. Not guilt or p-a. I am angry.
Me: angry? wait, why are you angry?? I told you we had plans, I never said otherwise
Dad: You asked my availability. I replied. Twice. Silence. Hard to make plans. Downright rude by you.
Me: Ah, yeah I had said we probably wouldn't be able to squeeze a visit in. I'd asked your availability in case it was possible, but figured it was unspoken that it wouldn't work if I hadn't called or messaged you back.
Dad: And then you being 'too busy' for anything 2 weeks in a row. That is magic busy. That is bullshit busy.
Me: sure, I can see that. Next time I won't ask your availability after I've already said we had plans. bullshit busy? excuse me? You don't get to make that determination. You have been fortunate enough to see us more than prior to having kids, and way more than I saw my own grandparents. If I said I was too busy to visit, or not in the mood, I don't owe you an explanation nor do I have to adjust my schedule to fit a visit in if we'd already made plans. you were doing ok when you called me out for "not communicating better" and I was going to apologize. But you had to take it too far with the "bullshit busy" comment and now I'm pissed
Dad: You were loking for an excuses
Me: Not really, but if it makes you feel justified then sure.
Dad: I dont play those games. I dont need to feel justififed. I want to see my gkids. I dont want to miss the time i was forced to miss with you.
**Note: I was willing to apologize for being flaky and agree that I shouldn't have asked about his availability because I wasn't going to take the extra energy to make it happen.
Email from Dad yesterday:
I am sending an email because texts are too short.
I have been avoiding calling you for months because I always seem to get you while you were changing DS or otherwise harried. I have the impression that you prefer it this why. If I am wrong, please let me know. I prefer phone conversations, but I do not want to be a bother.
Last 3 texts from you:
>You asked me if we were “still too busy for family?” and I asked if you if that didn’t come across as p-a or guilt tripish to you out of honest curiosity. It’s a little ridiculous as I was making time for family, my kids, husband and I were doing things together
>And now you say you don’t want to miss the time with my kids that you missed with us, after missing two weekends with us It comes off as a guilt trip. It sucks ass that you didn’t get to see us much, I get that. It’s not my fault and I still want to spend time with my own children just like you wanted to with us.
>So are you playing games? Probably not, but you’re coming across like you are trying to guilt trip me and you whole “bullshit busy” statement didn’t help.
The text was not meant to be passive aggressive or a guilt trip. I can see how you could take it that way. I am not at all offended by your reply.
Thank you for replying to a message you found problematic.
I have to ask, “making time for family” and “time with my own children”, how is that damaged by sharing a small fraction of that time with me? This does not make any sense to me. I have made no demands for exclusivity. Time with you and the kids is wonderful. Time with the kids without you is a different kind of wonderful. It is a great bonus that I have been able to spend more time with you since you had DD, than at any time since you moved out. So how does your family having dinner with me, or breakfast, or taking a walk, interfere with you spending time with your family? I truly do not understand why sharing time with me is a problem for you.
In another text you mention that you will not change your schedule or plans for me. When have you done this? I have not asked. I do not expect it. I ask for where I can fit into your schedule. I have been very accommodating. I have been happy with a wildly variant range of visits, from overnight visits down to 5 minute phone calls. Where does your comment come from?
For over four years, the policy (for want of a better word) has been a visit most every week. Suddenly the policy has changed. For two weeks so far, with no hint as to whether this is a temporary or permanent change. This has me very upset. A lot of anger and a bit of fear. I took as much of this anger as I could, out of my text. Your explanation for this change is that you are ‘busy’. Too busy for a visit at my house or yours. Too busy for a breakfast, a lunch, or a dinner. Too busy for a phone call where I could talk to the kids. Too busy for a phone call to just discuss a visit. Too busy for a follow-up text after I gave you my availability. So busy, that from our last visit now over two weeks ago, to Sunday evening, you only had time for four text messages. This takes the word ‘busy’ way past the breaking point. It is not my business and I do not care what you were doing or who you were doing it with. I do care that I have not seen DD and DS for two weekends, with no clue as to when I will see them again. While you refuse to acknowledge that anything has changed.
You do owe me an explanation. Any time you change a situation that has been going on for years, you owe everyone involved an explanation.
End email
DH wants to go for the pity card and explain to my Dad why we've been busy. I think it's a "It's about ___ but not about ___" if we offer an explanation and he'll still expect things to go back to the status quo. Also, I'm not a kid who has done something wrong so I don't owe an explanation.
The pity card: The first Saturday, we invited my MIL over and asked her to stay the night and watch our children while we attend a wedding. While enjoying the wedding, we get news from an old friend that there has been a wildfire in the geographical location that my GMIL's house is located (MIL recently sold hers and moved in with GMIL so her home as well). We check news sources, text friends in the area, and try to enjoy the wedding but are generally distracted by the unfolding emergency. A friend in the same town texts that she was given fifteen mins to evacuate with her kids in the face of the fire, pictures and videos are of burning roads and cars, stories of people being trapped and animals being let loose with the hope that they make it out alive. It was scary from a spectator viewpoint, and we're all grateful my MIL and GMIL were not in the area. GMIL wouldn't have made it out if she'd been there by herself.
We leave the wedding and come home to MIL watching the news, she stays the night, we take her to breakfast, and we all watch the news some more. Monday, she stays in the area as all the roads to home are closed. Monday night we get the news that GMIL's house and two other's on their street are gone, along with hundreds others from the fire. DH and I have an outburst from our personal relationship that further complicates our week. By the following weekend, we had swim lessons for DD, plans with friends, and a Birthday party. DH ends up getting the word that MIL was finally allowed back to the house, and he heads up with SIL to try and see what they can find in the ashes.
At this point I do not have the emotional capacity to make room for someone feeling entitled to my time, and the text exchange with my Dad occurs. I have no plans on giving him this story, for many reasons. Also this fire has been ALL over national and international news sources, he knew my IL's lived there, and he's never said anything. My DH will be out of town the first weekend of October, I'd planned to ask my parent's if they wanted to get together then. Now I'm annoyed and trying to think of a response. I'm leaning towards: "fuck you", it's not JADEy right?![;)]( ";)")
All seriousness I'm thinking of something along the lines of:
It is hard to have a conversation with someone who is hypocritical, IE: "You don't owe me an explanation" "It's ok if your plans are, we have no plans" while also saying "you owe everyone involved an explanation". While clearly holding onto an unrealistic expectation, did you really think you were going to see us every week for the next 16 years? Which you are now taking personally. What do you want me to say Dad? I have a life, I have plans, I have stuff going on, I WANT exclusivity where I get time with just my children and I'm not going to argue with you or justify it to you. You need to re-set your expectations and realize that you were gifted with lots of time with us. You getting upset over it is fine, you showing your anger towards me is not fine. It makes me not want to see you for awhile.
I might have more but this is getting long, soo long over something simple. I think I know where I get my pompous wordiness from. This is minor, he has minor boundary stomps that shows his entitled ass, what's the DWIL interpretation?
It wasn't inconvenient at the time and rarely cut into existing family time. My DH works a full time job, plus a side job or two that would occasionally keep him busy on an odd weekend or hobbies that he pursued. As a SAHM with other SAHM friends, I got lots of "downtime" at home with the kids and playdates on the weekdays. All that to say that when my parents wanted a visit it wasn't forced and fit with my lifestyle at the time. But since then, I've gone back to work, my oldest has started extra activities on the weekends as weekdays are harder, we make plans with friends now on the weekends, and I've drawn a harder line with DH about being available on the for family time. Basically, we're your typical family with working parents. The problem, apparently my Dad had some unrealistic expectation that things weren't going to change. It's going to get wordy sorry, so here's the:
TLDR: Dad's been lucky to see DD and DS once a week for years, feels entitled and annoyed that life has changed, taking it personally. Sending pompous-ass style emails and texts in response. I want to say "fuck you, see you in a month" DH wants to go for the pity card. Pity card explanation at bottom if you want it.
I started coming to the realization that I was only asking to see my parent's when I wanted them to watch the kids, or food was involved. So when an event came up that we needed someone to watch the kids for, DH and I asked my non-boundary stomping MIL. It ended up being a rough weekend. I'll add details later, and rough week by the next weekend we had swim lessons, plans with friends and a birthday party to attend. I didn't make time for my father or Stepmom during those two weekends, and here are the exchanges that occurred:
Saturday:
Dad: Call me when convenient.
Me: busy today, probably won't be till tomorrow sometime. Emergency?
Dad: No. Just want to make plans. (Note: I called my Dad and told him we were busy, left a message)
Monday
Dad: Can I visit?
Me: busy at work, kids doing something with the nanny. or napping. not sure.
Thursday:
Dad: Would like to see kids this weekend.
Friday:
Me: Noted, they would love to see you too I'm sure. We've got another busy weekend though, so not sure we'll be able to squeeze a visit in. What's your availability?
Dad: All day sat or sun. Morn or eve flexible. Afternoon need notice.
Sunday:
Dad: Still no time for family?
Me: Did that not sound a little passive aggressive to you? and we've been busy Or maybe guilt trip(ish), passive aggressive is probably too strong of a word.
Monday:
Dad: Got texts this morn. Not guilt or p-a. I am angry.
Me: angry? wait, why are you angry?? I told you we had plans, I never said otherwise
Dad: You asked my availability. I replied. Twice. Silence. Hard to make plans. Downright rude by you.
Me: Ah, yeah I had said we probably wouldn't be able to squeeze a visit in. I'd asked your availability in case it was possible, but figured it was unspoken that it wouldn't work if I hadn't called or messaged you back.
Dad: And then you being 'too busy' for anything 2 weeks in a row. That is magic busy. That is bullshit busy.
Me: sure, I can see that. Next time I won't ask your availability after I've already said we had plans. bullshit busy? excuse me? You don't get to make that determination. You have been fortunate enough to see us more than prior to having kids, and way more than I saw my own grandparents. If I said I was too busy to visit, or not in the mood, I don't owe you an explanation nor do I have to adjust my schedule to fit a visit in if we'd already made plans. you were doing ok when you called me out for "not communicating better" and I was going to apologize. But you had to take it too far with the "bullshit busy" comment and now I'm pissed
Dad: You were loking for an excuses
Me: Not really, but if it makes you feel justified then sure.
Dad: I dont play those games. I dont need to feel justififed. I want to see my gkids. I dont want to miss the time i was forced to miss with you.
**Note: I was willing to apologize for being flaky and agree that I shouldn't have asked about his availability because I wasn't going to take the extra energy to make it happen.
Email from Dad yesterday:
I am sending an email because texts are too short.
I have been avoiding calling you for months because I always seem to get you while you were changing DS or otherwise harried. I have the impression that you prefer it this why. If I am wrong, please let me know. I prefer phone conversations, but I do not want to be a bother.
Last 3 texts from you:
>You asked me if we were “still too busy for family?” and I asked if you if that didn’t come across as p-a or guilt tripish to you out of honest curiosity. It’s a little ridiculous as I was making time for family, my kids, husband and I were doing things together
>And now you say you don’t want to miss the time with my kids that you missed with us, after missing two weekends with us It comes off as a guilt trip. It sucks ass that you didn’t get to see us much, I get that. It’s not my fault and I still want to spend time with my own children just like you wanted to with us.
>So are you playing games? Probably not, but you’re coming across like you are trying to guilt trip me and you whole “bullshit busy” statement didn’t help.
The text was not meant to be passive aggressive or a guilt trip. I can see how you could take it that way. I am not at all offended by your reply.
Thank you for replying to a message you found problematic.
I have to ask, “making time for family” and “time with my own children”, how is that damaged by sharing a small fraction of that time with me? This does not make any sense to me. I have made no demands for exclusivity. Time with you and the kids is wonderful. Time with the kids without you is a different kind of wonderful. It is a great bonus that I have been able to spend more time with you since you had DD, than at any time since you moved out. So how does your family having dinner with me, or breakfast, or taking a walk, interfere with you spending time with your family? I truly do not understand why sharing time with me is a problem for you.
In another text you mention that you will not change your schedule or plans for me. When have you done this? I have not asked. I do not expect it. I ask for where I can fit into your schedule. I have been very accommodating. I have been happy with a wildly variant range of visits, from overnight visits down to 5 minute phone calls. Where does your comment come from?
For over four years, the policy (for want of a better word) has been a visit most every week. Suddenly the policy has changed. For two weeks so far, with no hint as to whether this is a temporary or permanent change. This has me very upset. A lot of anger and a bit of fear. I took as much of this anger as I could, out of my text. Your explanation for this change is that you are ‘busy’. Too busy for a visit at my house or yours. Too busy for a breakfast, a lunch, or a dinner. Too busy for a phone call where I could talk to the kids. Too busy for a phone call to just discuss a visit. Too busy for a follow-up text after I gave you my availability. So busy, that from our last visit now over two weeks ago, to Sunday evening, you only had time for four text messages. This takes the word ‘busy’ way past the breaking point. It is not my business and I do not care what you were doing or who you were doing it with. I do care that I have not seen DD and DS for two weekends, with no clue as to when I will see them again. While you refuse to acknowledge that anything has changed.
You do owe me an explanation. Any time you change a situation that has been going on for years, you owe everyone involved an explanation.
End email
DH wants to go for the pity card and explain to my Dad why we've been busy. I think it's a "It's about ___ but not about ___" if we offer an explanation and he'll still expect things to go back to the status quo. Also, I'm not a kid who has done something wrong so I don't owe an explanation.
The pity card: The first Saturday, we invited my MIL over and asked her to stay the night and watch our children while we attend a wedding. While enjoying the wedding, we get news from an old friend that there has been a wildfire in the geographical location that my GMIL's house is located (MIL recently sold hers and moved in with GMIL so her home as well). We check news sources, text friends in the area, and try to enjoy the wedding but are generally distracted by the unfolding emergency. A friend in the same town texts that she was given fifteen mins to evacuate with her kids in the face of the fire, pictures and videos are of burning roads and cars, stories of people being trapped and animals being let loose with the hope that they make it out alive. It was scary from a spectator viewpoint, and we're all grateful my MIL and GMIL were not in the area. GMIL wouldn't have made it out if she'd been there by herself.
We leave the wedding and come home to MIL watching the news, she stays the night, we take her to breakfast, and we all watch the news some more. Monday, she stays in the area as all the roads to home are closed. Monday night we get the news that GMIL's house and two other's on their street are gone, along with hundreds others from the fire. DH and I have an outburst from our personal relationship that further complicates our week. By the following weekend, we had swim lessons for DD, plans with friends, and a Birthday party. DH ends up getting the word that MIL was finally allowed back to the house, and he heads up with SIL to try and see what they can find in the ashes.
At this point I do not have the emotional capacity to make room for someone feeling entitled to my time, and the text exchange with my Dad occurs. I have no plans on giving him this story, for many reasons. Also this fire has been ALL over national and international news sources, he knew my IL's lived there, and he's never said anything. My DH will be out of town the first weekend of October, I'd planned to ask my parent's if they wanted to get together then. Now I'm annoyed and trying to think of a response. I'm leaning towards: "fuck you", it's not JADEy right?
All seriousness I'm thinking of something along the lines of: It is hard to have a conversation with someone who is hypocritical, IE: "You don't owe me an explanation" "It's ok if your plans are, we have no plans" while also saying "you owe everyone involved an explanation". While clearly holding onto an unrealistic expectation, did you really think you were going to see us every week for the next 16 years? Which you are now taking personally. What do you want me to say Dad? I have a life, I have plans, I have stuff going on, I WANT exclusivity where I get time with just my children and I'm not going to argue with you or justify it to you. You need to re-set your expectations and realize that you were gifted with lots of time with us. You getting upset over it is fine, you showing your anger towards me is not fine. It makes me not want to see you for awhile.
I might have more but this is getting long, soo long over something simple. I think I know where I get my pompous wordiness from. This is minor, he has minor boundary stomps that shows his entitled ass, what's the DWIL interpretation?