Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I posted here (I did post on the Private DWIL board more recently due to sensitivity/privacy issues involving my teenage sister) and I wanted to give a little update. We just found out that we're expecting a little sibling for our 14 month old son! 
Yay.
I don't know how relevant (if at all) my background is for my question but here is my last thread in this forum (I had quite a history here before that but here's the latest one) in case you don't know/remember me: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a48849511/nmom_and_sally_thread_continued
Anyway, I still go to therapy weekly with a therapist that I really like. To be honest I'm not sure how incredibly helpful she is on the FOO front (I feel like I learned more here and on other forums and in reading books about narcisstic mothers and self-absorbed parents etc. than I do from counseling) but I went to her because she specializes in grief. She has been really helpful with dealing with the loss of our daughter (who I used to refer to on here as Sally) and also with my anxiety and sleep disorder (adult night terrors), both of which have subsided a lot! And also on the career front (I used to practice law but it stressed me out so now I do it as little as possible and write/self-publish books instead. I am so much happier although not as rich, ha ha.)
Anyway... recently I was talking to my therapist about how even the smallest things can set me off when it comes to my parents. I have had them on limited contact for a long time and I don't talk to them much and when I do it's very general/non-emotional stuff like the weather and the sports games etc. My brother and his wife had a baby (after very difficult circumstances/losses), and my sister is now pregnant. I talk to them more frequently and my parents once in awhile like if we are out there visiting my older siblings then we might see my parents and teenaged siblings a little them a little bit but really enforce our boundaries and keep it to a very limited interaction etc. (We have also gone out there just to go to the beach with my older siblings but have not even told my parents we are out there or visited them.)
Anyway my therapist said that she doesn't think I've gotten angry enough at my parents. She says I get close to it or touch on it but then retreat. She thinks that to start healing I need to get really angry with them. She advised me to write down all the things they've done and journal about it etc. The thing is, though, and I've told her this, is that I've done all of that.
I have always liked to write and I have a long list of all the things my parents have done and I've written journal entries, memoir, "fictional" stories, etc. about it all. Plus I've written on here and on other forums ad naseum about them in the past (including very angry posts!) and I've even (mistakenly) emailed my parents when they've asked why I'm so mad at them etc. (all to no avail of course... it goes in one ear and out the other with my dad, and gives my mom another reason to be a martyr/victim and blame everyone but herself.)
So how I can get in touch with my anger any more than I have? I was worried that I was kind of stuck in my anger, i.e. not getting THROUGH or OVER my anger but according to her I haven't even reached that point of feeling anger. Lately I've been trying to turn everything I feel (guilt, confusion, etc.) about them into anger in my head. For instance if my dad texts me that he wants to Skype right then and there, and I text him back that it doesn't work for us because it wasn't planned in advance (which is what I always say so we almost never Skype... because he almost never listens to my requests and instead just sends a text saying he wants to Skype right then despite all the previous times I've told him it has to be arranged in advance and has to be a time that works for us), then instead of thinking "I feel bad because for once he is trying to talk to us and we aren't available or I don't want to etc." (like I used to) then I kind of MAKE myself think "F you, Dad, for not caring about our schedule and thinking we should be available whenever you have the rare whim to want to talk to us."
This has helped to some extent but on the other hand I don't WANT to be an angry, bitter person. I've told my therapist that I think my problem is that I envision the person I WANT to be-- accepting of the circumstances and emotionally detached enough that none of this bothers me... that I understand my parents are just incapable of giving me what I need and I love them anyway as my parents yet make sure not to entangle myself too much and to live my own life in happiness... etc. but I'm not really that person because I AM angry at them and I DO wish that things were different. It's like sometimes I go back into denial and want them to be or think they can be better, and I have to consciously remind myself "I have really shitty parents!!" so that I don't forget and feel hurt all over again.
Does anyone have any other tips or tricks for feeling appropriate emotions (reality, anger) instead of delusions (wishing things were different, feeling guilty etc.)? Thanks in advance and I hope you all are doing well.