I am just now delurking because I am just worn out and want some help figuring out if I am just completely wasting my time dealing with my family at all.
Trying to give really fast background--both husband and I got stuck in miserable families, actually I think part of why we "got" each other when we first met was because we were both already rejected sheep within our respective herds. His parents are textbook narcissists who tried every intrusive stunt, manipulative mindgame, public meltdown, and verbally abusive tirade in the book and then some before he gave up trying to have a relationship with them at all. My family is...odd in a bad way. IDK how else to put it concisely. No one likes each other, there's constant tension and hostility. My parents hate each other and live on opposite ends of their house. Every relationship between brother and sister, aunt and nephew, whatever, is superficially jovial but secretly full of backstabbing. People mostly bond by hating other people together. There's addictions, mental illness, grudges, abuse...I was a really sensitive anxious kid and it was kind of hellish tbh.
I have not had a relationship with my dad since my eldest child was born. He was abusive to me, and even after I grew up he would do things to make me uncomfortable, including creepy dirty old man behavior and in addition to that, he failed every basic fatherly role, like being there for me when I would have a crisis or emergency. He acted out majorly when I was pregnant, was mean and insulting and incredibly creepy, and I was done, nervous about him being around my kid ever, and just basically cut him out. Since as I said my mom hates him, I was able to retain some semblance of a relationship with her even though they are still married. She's basically passive in every way which means she does not outwardly do much offensive but she also cannot be counted on or trusted. She doesn't keep secrets well, her judgment is such I wouldn't let her babysit, you can call her in an emergency and whether or not she shows up depends not on if she is able or how much you need her, but how she subjectively feels at that moment. But she's basically the only relative I have any relationship with so I have tried really hard to preserve what little there is. She likes to come over and hang out with the kids (with me still here) and give them small gifts and that's about it. She also does subtle but wearing negative things like refusing to call my youngest by her nickname (a standard short form of a common name) and insisting on calling her a pretentious European version instead, engaging in blatant favoritism of my oldest, followed by my youngest, with my middle being treated like a Cinderella (they're all girls so sexism isn't a factor), and insisting on stirring the pot whenever she comes over by mentioning upsetting stuff to me then refusing to discuss it and getting all mad and disapproving at me when I respond to what she said.
For instance this year she made a huge deal out of my oldest's birthday, and slightly less big deal out of the youngest. The middle kid got a pair of sweatpants (yes really) and oh, my mom chose that moment to announce to me that she and dad were getting divorced, and bring up that his abuse of me was a factor in that, so I spent the whole day upset. But then a month later PSYCHE! j/k they can't get divorced after all. And like she'll bring up something like abuse and divorce and other family members mistreating elderly people and then get all annoyed with me when I react by having any feelings at all like "what how can they do that?" and she's like *shake head* "I don't want to talk about it, stop bringing it up and carrying on so much."
I was very close to my brother growing up and well into adulthood but after my first kid was born he got all cold. I tried to include him, get him into being an uncle (he is single and in his late 20s), made sure we had time to do the stuff we used to do and not kid-focused things but he acted like the baby was toxic waste and I was contaminated. It really, really hurt. He said he just had anxiety. Then when I was pregnant with my second, he called me and ranted about how I was making a bad decision that would "hurt the planet and waste resources" and asked if I was already too far along to abort. I was speechless and just hung up on him. So. That strained our relationship kind of fatally. It came out of freaking nowhere and there has never been any explanation or apology or anything that would make it even make sense, like "oh I was on crack at the time." It has been very papered over, grin and fake it on the rare occasion we have seen each other since that time.
My dad's whole extended family thinks I am shit because I no longer take abuse from their Perfect Baby Boy and my mom's whole extended family is BSC hillbillies. I think that about covers the whole scene.
So right now I am coming to terms with the fact that I have no family other than husband and kids and my mom and that my mom is basically trolling me. Today she came over and she had gifts for the kids (carrot) and then wanted to bitch about how much she hates my dad (this is an ongoing issue...I tell her I don't want to hear it, she tries bringing it up, I try to beandip out of it, she tries again next time...) and then she decides to mention a couple of really upsetting things. One, I had asked her if she could bring my old 80s toys (Strawberry shortcake, MLP, primarily) for the girls and she said she would look. Years ago. Today she brings up that she thinks my dad destroyed them, my favorite childhood treasures, in a fit of temper.
Blink.
She has been hinting a lot that my dad is mad at me for some unnamed reason. I haven't spoken to him in 8 years and now suddenly she's on about it. I don't know what she is hinting at but I am afraid he is claiming I am crazy and lying about being abused and she's going to believe him. (She was present for some of the abuse but says she "forgot," but believes me.)
So now supposedly he's trashing pastel ponies because I am such a horrible bitch. Whatever. I keep what fragile peace I have with her by just not saying anything when she says something weird or horrible.
Then she brings up my brother and how he feels that I need to "mend some bridges" with him. At this point I am at a loss and I actually say "everyone seems to think something is going on but no one will tell me what, i am just supposed to know, and it does not work that way." She said she "doesn't want to get in the middle" and I need to approach people to "make things right."
So what, apologize for living my life and trying to stay sane? No.
I am realizing now that this fragile arrangement I have set up so my kids will have *A* grandparent, at all, and so I won't have to face the fact that I am not wanted by my own family and have no one in the world but my husband and kids, may be falling apart.
I don't know what to do or think about it. Please don't be too harsh.