My mom is my BEC and certain things she does really get to me. I can't figure out if she fits the profile for any of the personality disorders, she has struggled with depression forever and is extremely sensitive. Our family has a lot of codependency and enmeshment I think.
I am a grown woman, married and have kids... but she nags me about going to the dentist, and other stuff an adult should figure out on their own, like she told me to give my dad a birthday card. It pisses me off so much that I often do the opposite because she ruined it for me (guess who didn't get a card..). Immature on my part but she drives me crazy and I don't want to reward her by complying (or have her think I just did something because she told me to?)
I don't even know, I want to get some of the books in the sticky and maybe get counceling. I only recently began to realize that my family is unhealthy.
Anyway we just had a little blowup because she told me to go get something checked out (medical). I said "I alredy did" and she got upset because apparently I was snippy and I told her it's because she treats me like a kid. She told me that she feels for me the way I feel for my daughter (a toddler) and I said yeah but she is a kid! Anyway she asked me "when was the last time I even said anything to you?" (I didn't bother pointing out, JUST NOW) but pointed to the birthday card command which was recent.
She told me she doesn't understand why she can't talk to me about stuff, has to walk on eggshells/hold her tongue etc. Said she talks like this with her sister and friends and told me "if you only knew how much it hurts us when you never give us (cards? something)" I basically walked away and we left the conversation in a bad place. I want to write her with a clear outline of how I want to be treated, I don't respond well under pressure and I want to communicate in a level headed, adult fashion. I feel like I revert to a teenager when she pushes my buttons.
I want to make it clear that I want my autonomy respected, just because she loves me doesn't mean she gets to tell me how to manage my healthcare, relationships etc. And that I am not responsible for their happiness, I was pissed she layed a guilt trip about how I show affection, I didn't even exchange birthday or anniversary cards with my DH this year... I obviously love him!
She is super big on using her hurt feelings to make me feel bad or guilt me into things, I grew up very tuned in to her emotions and I used to feel close because of it, now it just makes me feel dirty.
I have so many cans of worms but I'll start here because I really want to write her and address my issue asap, we just had this fight today
Please help me, I know you all are good at cutting through bullshit.