I fear I am not handling things well.
My mom is narcisissitic, however, not as bad as some others I see on these boards. Despite being told what a horrible daughter I am I usually try to give my mother what she wants. However, even why I try I fail.
Background:
Over the years my DH and I have tried to be as fair as possible to both sides of the family. We live 5-6 hours away from our families. (All our family lives within a 45 minute radius). We have tried to split up time evenly among our parents, trying to see everyone an even amount of time. We go back to our home town for most holidays as well as niece and nephew birthday parties.
Shit hit the fan last year at Christmas when we were basically told what a nuisance we were. And how our staying with my parents is such an imposition. My Dad told us how difficult it is to have house guests, especially when they are planning and preparing for a party. So basically they told us they'd prefer us not to stay with them for the holidays in the future. We are ok to stay there for niece and nephew bday parties though, since my mom doesn't have to plan those.
There were other jabs that my Dad threw in there, that I will cough up if interested.
So in 2015 there were 4 or 5 occasions that brought us back to our hometown. Each time we stayed with my inlaws. Partly because I was still hurt over what happened at Christmas, partly because it's easier and more convienent to stay with the inlaws. Basically my mom asked if we were staying with them each time and I told her no and then explained why (only telling her the practical reason why staying with inlaws made more sense, not that I was hurt).
More recent turn of events:
My grandmother was dying. My mom always updated us on how she's not looking good, etc. It started getting to the point where she kept giving more frequent updates multiple times a week. At this point I call her and ask her what is it that she expects of me. Does she expect me to drive down and visit now? She says she doesn't. She just wants us to plan ahead because she would like us to come to the funeral when she dies. In fact, she doesn't want us to visit because my grandmother is so not herself and she doesn't want us to remember her that way.
A couple weeks later we are in town for a family party (staying with inlaws). DH and I decide to do the right thing and go visit grandma even if she doesn't know what's going on. I text my mom asking her if grandpa will be at the party. (Because if he's not we wanted to visit him, and he lives close to grandma).
Mom responds that he is planning on coming and is looking forward to it and seeing all the great grandchildren. She then responds:
"All except 4 u guys have gone 2 see Nana twice in the last month. Any chance u guys can visit her on Monday b4 you guys return home? I will not have any time 2 accompany u tomorrow if u wanted 2 see her with me there also, which I feel is best." (Sorry, guys for her practically incoherent text).
I am now super pissed for her blatently telling me not to visit her, and then guilt tripping me for not visiting her enough, then telling me when to visit to make it convienent for her with no concern for me and my family of 5 and the 5 hour drive we have to make the day she wants us to visit.
I respond with "We will go tomorrow to see her".
Her response "I really don't think u guys going alone is a good idea at all as she looks terrible & she might b very confused, unresponsive & not even aware of ur presence. I was there for both (brother and SIL) family visit & (other brother and SIL) visit today. I really don't think a visit without me present is a good idea, wowdej. The visit should not b any earlier than 1 pm.
(I BH)
Her response again "Wowdej, can u not do anything to appease me, even when it comes to my dying mother?"
(I BH)
We visit grandmother the day we planned (my aunt happened to be there). It was a nice visit. Go to the family party and I basically avoid my mother the whole time because I am super pissed at her. A couple days later grandma dies. We come back into the town for the funeral (stay with inlaws). I remain super pissed at my mom about everything though and go low contact with my mom. I try to keep things superficial. Giving her little info on me and letting her talk on and on about herself and everyone else like she usually does.
PRESENT ISSUE: (thank you if you've made it this far)
Thanksgiving is coming up and normally we'd be spending it with my family at my mom's house. I get this email:
Mom
FWIW, our plan was to go back into town, stay with inlaws and go to the Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's so that I can see most of my extended family.
I respond back:
Hi,
We can bring a fruit salad to Thanksgiving. What time would you like us there that Thursday? We'll be there for dinner and dessert.
I'm still tweaking their gift lists, but you are welcome to use them.
See you soon!
Love,
Wowdej
She responds:
"Are you not staying with us at all during the Thanksgiving Visit except for the Thanksgiving Dinner & dessert .I feel bad that I don't get any extra time with you guys & especially now when the Grandparents included vacation only includes MIL & FIL. Kinda wondering whats going on here? Did we say or do somethging that is resulting in this?
BTW, she recently found out we are going to Barbados with my MIL and FIL in January. I believe she is very jealous. Don't worry, my MIL and FIL don't suck.
I am not sure how to respond. Obviously she has wiped it from her memory that they told us last year not to stay with them around the holidays.
My goal is not to cut off. I know that's the easy answer but I am not there. Any help with this would be greatly appreciated.