This is going to be LONG. But I need some outsider insight.

Mom had me when she was 17 (conceived when she was 16). SD was abusive and not a great guy (to her). I have a brother a few months older or younger then I, his mom was married to SDs bro at the time and I grew up thinking he was my cousin until I was 15.

I had visitations with him every other Sunday until I was 5 when he was **TRIGGER** arrested for molesting a 12 yo girl. He claimed that he thought she was much older. He never did anything to me, never spanked me, nothing. I have several good memories of my time with him. **END TRIGGER**

Mom also had BRO1 and BRO2 with him, BRO2 was born after he was arrested/incarcerated. I was 4.5 when BRO1 was born, BRO2 came 21 months later. Their relationship was always on and off.

I was raised quite a bit by my maternal GPs (Gpa was actually my mom's SF but she always called him Dad and so did I until I was 8  ). We spent all of our vacations with them, I stayed with them most weekends and we hung out with them all the time.

Gpa taught me how to cook, garden, can, treat animals with respect. Gma taught me how to put on makeup, flower garden, and draw faces.

My Gpa always took me to historical sights, museums. Gma helped me pick out dresses for my high school dances, helped me learn how to do my hair, that sort of thing.

Pretty much everything I love came from my Gps.

My mom and I had fun when I was little, I think. She was my champion when it came to making sure my education was handled well. She fought hard for my IED, to make sure that my ADD was taken seriously and that I wasn't penalized for it. She made sure I always got what I needed and most of what I wanted (like dance classes, summer camp... activities, not things. I'm not a things person anyways).

She took me to see a therapist when I was 7 because I wouldn't stop hitting people and being very aggressive, the therapist said, after my mom met and married the man I call dad, that I just needed a strong father figure in my life. I think the therapist was an idiot. My Gpa was, at the time, a far better father figure.

Dad was an alcoholic when he and mom were married. They fought all the time, DS2 was so stressed he would break out in hives. After that, they kept their battles between themselves. They had 2 more kids when I was 10 and 13. DS3 and my sister. I don't remember to many bad instances with Dad being drunk, I don't really remember him to much during those times or at least, not in an involved sort of way.

When I was about 14-15 Dad had a really bad stroke, well several strokes really. He almost died, was paralyzed and had to have brain surgery in order to ever have mobility again. It was 50/50 he would die or it would work. It worked but he had to relearn how to talk and walk. He did, and he was a completely different person after. He stopped drinking and smoking, decided he wanted to go to church. He became very involved with our church, eventually becoming one of the elders and board members. He isn't stuck-up about it and never acts better than anyone. He just considers himself a huge sinner that happens to be saved by grace.

We still had home problems. Mostly Mom pushing me until I snapped (ADD and anger management issues that she failed to address). I would always be grounded afterwards. The few times I did what I was supposed to, ie: state how I was feeling and ask if I could take some space to calm down, she would mock me, saying I was just trying to "be the better person" when that's not what I was. She would keep yelling and taunting me until I responded as normal and I would then be grounded. It rarely happened in front of Dad. If it did, he always made her stop. Even when he was a drunk.

I was responsible for almost all chores. Dishes, cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, vacuuming,dusting, washing and drying the laundry (she would fold everyone's and put hers and the ones to little to do it themselves away), bathroom (top to bottom), sweep and mop all floors, cook all meals I was home for. I would get in trouble if it wasn't done right when SHE wanted it done, never mind the fact that I had been in school all day and still had homework (ADD and homework meant it took me HOURS to complete, though I rarely even tried). DS1 always conveniently had to poop when it was his turn to do dishes, so either I or Mom would end up doing them (they had to be done right when she wanted them done you see).

I also was her only babysitter once I turned 13. It was horrible for my siblings. I had always been violent with them and verbally abusive. If they didn't do what they were supposed to, I would scream at them, chase them down and smack/hit them. I even gave BRO1 and asthma attack, kicked in the bathroom door to get at BRO2, dragged BRO3 out of a corn field, and smacked SIS over the head with a hair brush when she wouldn't hold still while I was brushing her hair. Mom and Dad knew, but I never really got in trouble, just a verbal slap on the hand.

I HATE that they let me behave that way! I'm grateful they (my siblings) forgave me for treating them that way. I wouldn't blame them if they never spoke to me. When I was 16 I had a great teacher that helped me get my anger and behavior under control. He was just a teacher, taught economics, history, english and more.

I also had a part-time job at a store called PAMIDA when I was in high school and only quit when they were closing down the summer before college. It helped that I wasn't available to babysit anymore and gave me time to grow up with out all the grown-up responsibilities.

Eventually DS2 took over vacuuming, it was his favorite chore and I was happy to have one thing off my plate. DS3 started doing chores once I moved out and I'm not sure what everyone does now.

After my first year of college, Mom kicked me out for going swimming with the assistant pastors family (his wife and I were friends and I was considering dating her brother). She wanted me to do my chores and said that I wasn't telling her where I was enough. FTR, while I lived with her, she ALWAYS knew where I was and what I was doing. I thought it was stupid because I was over 18, but accepted that it was part of choosing to live in her house.

So this was during the summer, I didn't have a job (she said I didn't need one as long as I was attending/enrolled in college, which I was). She decided that I wasn't doing enough at home and I was being lazy by not having a job.

This is all around the time that my Gpa was diagnosed with dementia, so I was slowly losing my best friend.

Assistant pastor and his wife let me stay with them and helped me get a job (I was homeless and didn't want to be their burden). Mom was pissed because she was trying to "teach" me a lesson. I still don't know what that lesson was. She had the Pastor talk to me after she told me I could move back in. EVERY SINGLE POINT he made I was already doing and told him so. One example, If mom made dinner and the kids had their food on their plates but no forks, what should I do... I told him, first off, I make dinner and I would and DO get their plates and silverware myself. He bean-dipped to his next point which I don't remember, but it was stupid too. Privately he tried excusing her by saying that parents work so hard to teach their kids independence but when they start to actually be grown-up they tend to throw on the breaks (so why the hell was he talking to me instead of my mother?).

I moved in with my Gma shortly after and life was MUCH better. I had a job and was going to school full time. It sucked.

In '08 (I graduated HS in '07) I met a guy and moved in with him. This was stupid and I REALLY wish I hadn't, he turned out to be a cheating jerk that cheats and lies. We broke up in early '10 but we kept our apartment together until New Years (I didn't want to live with my parents and couldn't afford a place of my own, I was looking for a roommate). New Years, I decided I was done waiting, so I moved in with my Gma again. My job was better than before and she was on Soc, so I payed as many of the utilities as I could as a way to say thanks.

Later in Jan, I met DH and we started dating. I had re-committed my life to God and he was already a committed Christian. I kept nothing from him nor him from me and we decided to get married. We were that June (not recommended, I was lucky that he was actually what he said he was).

My mom was pissed, Dad and siblings were happy. Dad even said he couldn't have picked a better guy for me. Mom still likes to find things wrong with DH. Siblings all still adore him and they might even like him better then me, lol.

We had DS1 April '12 and DS2 Dec '13. I'm due with #3 this Dec.

I'm happy, my DH and I are a team. We work through things together, he puts me and the kids first and I do the same with him and our kids. I still yell to much, it's something that I will have to work on the rest of my life to keep from back-sliding. We rarely spank and I don't even like that, it feels lazy. Like if I had been paying attention, it could have been avoided.

Mom has said the following since I've been married

"You're heading for a divorce" in response to DH and I learning how to be a married couple. We argued a lot because we hadn't learned to put the other first. That only lasted about 6 or 7 months.

"You and BRO2's problem is that you don't recognize my authority anymore" We laughed at her

"Fine, if you're not going to pay attention to me I'm not talking to you" when I acknowledged DS1 (then a 1.5 yo) when he showed me he sat in water. It was less than a minute distraction from her talking.

She threw a fit in a department store (JCP I think) because we weren't doing what she wanted. We were school clothes shopping for SIS and I had to bring the boys with me. She constantly tried to push her own ways on my kids, which didn't work, because that's not how we do it. Got ticked off with ME because she was spending to much money.

1- She told me, during her fit, that she didn't even want me to come. Sis did, that's why I was invited.

2- She didn't want the boys there. I asked first and said I would just stay home if it wasn't ok since my babysitter had to back out last second. She said it was fine

3- They didn't actually need to shop for Sis, she had plenty. Mom just wanted to take her to the mall and buy a few things. I told her she should have told me that, that I'm not a mind reader

4- when 4:30 rolled around and I said I needed to go home to make MY family dinner, this is when she threw her fit. We had been out since 10:30am. She finally started to drive us home but was driving like an idiot (accelerating quickly and slamming on her brakes) I insisted that she pull over, removed my kids and their car seats, walked back to the mall (we weren't far) and called DH to come and get us.

After this she has been on ELC where I only contact her when one of my siblings wants to come over or if they want DH and I to come to their events (sports, cheer, ect).

Like a ding-bat I started talking to her while my DH was at boot camp (he was discharged before completing due to my pregnancy, which is totally annoying, but they are apparently trying to downsize).

At that time she said I was much more "agreeable" when DH is gone. I stopped talking to her completely after that statement and have only had a few emails I sent her to verify SIS coming over last weekend.

ELC seems to work, because I can still see my SIS and BRO3 (1 and 2 are adults so I see them whenever we want).

I miss my dad, but he finds time to come up with SIS2 (adopted and 4 months younger than DS1). I don't care about her not being blood (obviously, Dad and Gpa weren't biologically related to me) but my mom would always assume that I don't like SIS2. She's not yet 3, I can't have her spend the night (I wouldn't mind, but I wouldn't ask because I wouldn't let my kids spend the night somewhere else. plus, mom doesn't want her away for the night yet either). I always treat her exactly like I treat my boys. I just don't let her beat the crap out of DS1 when she gets upset. It's not fair to either of them. SIS2 is in therapy and hardly ever hurts either of my boys anymore. If she does it's typical stuff that my boys do too (tackle each other but they knock heads, don't see someone behind them when they throw a toy over their shoulder, ect).

I think that's everything. I don't want to lose my dad and siblings, but my responsibility is to MY children. Is ELC enough with her, or do I NEED to CO?

My younger sister, newly 18, is moving out of our mother's house! Yes! Finally!  She's been been counting down the days since she realized the depth of mom's crazy around her freshman year of high school.

At first, mom tried to make that difficult/impossible and put my sister down constantly.  Her favorite lines are 1) that my sister is lazy--she couldn't have a job throughout high school because my mom's house is in the boonies and she would not drive her to work; sister couldn't get a license/car , because she can't pay for insurance/car without said job (in our state you cannot get a license w/o proof of insurance), 2), that my sister is stupid and will never finish school--mom homeschooled us and is totally in control of whether my sister is able to get a legit diploma or has to go for her GED instead; the girl literally can't graduate unless my mother so wills it, and 3) that my sister "owes" her money for things like basic toiletries and clothing--she began running that tab when sister was around 16--so she can't afford to move out on her own.  Vicious circular reasoning that allows my mom to bitch and browbeat whenever she wants.  

Sister got determined; she's been saving every penny her dad sends her and any cash she has earned on the side (babysitting occasionally, etc), and communicating with the sibling who escaped (yours truly).  I told her that she could rent a room of my house with a legitimate lease once she turned 18, and helped her to educate herself about public transportation (great system in my area), getting her GED if she has to, collecting her important paperwork in a safe place so that mom can't hold it hostage, opening a bank account in her own name and closing the joint one she holds with mom, etc.  

Mom started to realize that she couldn't stop this train, so she changed her tune.  She suddenly decides that she and my brother (he's the GC; utter emotional incest there) need to move into a new house and that my sister absolutely cannot move with them.  Basically, trying to make it seem like she's kicking sister out instead of sister choosing to leave.   

But here's the best part ladies.  You ready?

My sister cannot drive, as mentioned previously.  So she had asked my grandparents, who have a truck, to help her move her meager belongings to my home on a particular weekend.  Grandparents agree to help.

Guess which weekend mom decides to move?  

Yep.

That one. 

Guess whose help (and truck) she needs?

Yep.

That one.

Guess who agreed to the change of plans to prevent mom from throwing a bitchfit?

Yep.

Them.

Logistically, this is not a huge deal.  We will go and get her.  She's not going to be left on the curb of mom's old house with a pile of stuff and no place to go.  But that's not the damn point!

You're supposed to be a beautiful combination of proud and sad when your kids grow up and leave home, not a complete fucking lunatic.  

I've basically been maintaining a minimal relationship with my mother up until this point in order to have access to my sister.  After this, I'm done.  My mother hasn't changed one bit since I fought my way out of her house; she's still a narcisstic, obsessive, controlling, competitive, and basically BSC bitch.  

I'm so ready to watch my sister blossom outside of that insane, abusive environment.

I'm not just venting, naturally.  Advice and suggestions are welcome, as always.  

(ETA: Man that was long.  Sorry ladies.  Been holding that in for days; trying not to emote for sister or call my mother to scream at her.)

I'm not sure where to put this question, but have gotten awesome feedback on this board before, and know you guys will provide awesome feedback again. If I can't ask this here, GOs please let me know and I'll go to the appropriate board. Thanks! BG: DH is a military man. We moved to this new command in February, right around the time we found out we were pregnant...actually we found out on the 7 day drive across country! This command isn't what we were expecting at all, has a LOT of drama, and doesn't give a damn about family at all, even though they told us first thing "we're all about family here, so this command would be a great place to start yours!" No one knew we were pregnant at the time, we actually didn't tell them until about 20 weeks due to our last pregnancy ending in *trigger* stillbirth.

Ever since telling them, my DHs command and co-workers have actively sought to assign him to a TON of extra duties, really off schedules, and even went as far as to try and send him to Gitmo for an alternative assignment. Now, I know these things happen in the military, however, the way his direct superior has done some of this (she's a younger woman who doesn't like me AT ALL) has been sneaky and not run up the chain of command the way it was supposed to be. Case in point: Gitmo. When the commanding officer found out what was happening and that my husbands supervisor signed him up for this possible assignment switch (he would have left the week before I was due and been gone for 10 months....) without getting the proper paperwork and notifying him, he shut that shit down so hard (thank god).

Sorry if that was rambling.

Although my DH direct superior doesn't like me, she and another one of DHs co-workers decided they were going to throw us a baby shower. I have been extremely extremely apprehensive, and my DH has shut down anything he knows I would hate...like the game where everyone predicts my circumference....no. thank. you. This last week, there was a ceremony/lunch I attended with the command for an unrelated reason. At this lunch, the two who are doing the baby shower were talking about everything and extremely overwhelming me. I'm pretty much a "go with the flow" type person about this, but they asked 1000000 questions that I didn't know the answer to. Then they started criticizing my registry, what we had on there, why we wanted certain things, etc. I was very blunt and said "well, they're on the registry because we still need them, and I specifically picked out said item because I did research and that's the one we decided on". I think that shut them up? They didn't say anything more about the registry.

The thing that really got to me, and I need help addressing if it is really brought up again is that these women TOLD ME they were going to be at the hospital and that they WOULD be holding my child and baby sitting....to which I, not so politely said "not a fucking chance". Their excuse was that I would OBVIOUSLY need someone to drive me to the hospital since I'd probably go into labor while my husband was at work, because his schedule is fucked because his SUPERIOR changed it effective Aug 1....which I again shut down, and also find extremely fishy that this was the first thing they used to rationalize with. I very calmly told them that no, we wouldn't be having any visitors at the hospital (we're registered as private for familiar reasons) or at our home, and that they would have to pry that baby out of my cold dead fingers before I handed it over to anyone besides dad. They both just pretended like they didn't hear me, and moved on in conversation.

I don't know how else to address this. DH is 100% on my side, and knows that if he allows them into the room or into our home that I'll pack myself, and the dogs and leave. He's extremely excited about the baby (just like I am), but we're both apprehensive given our previous pregnancy, and my anxiety has shot off the charts since this lunch. How else to I make sure that they get that they're not welcome? I've met these woman a total of 3 times, but they work with my DH every day. Am I over-reacting? I feel like maybe I am because my inner mama bear is getting stingy and doesn't want to share baby with anyone once he's safely here.

ETA paragraphs.

Hi Ladies. I am needing some help in keeping my head on in dealing with some things. Usual speel... long time member who joined up with a not so smart/private screen name, created a new one for privacy. Rules and Sticky are in check.

So anyways, Ex is in jail on a very long sentence (27 years, felony) and if he manages to pull his head out of his ass, would maybe be eligible for parole at half that. Prison is located 2 hours south of me. Divorce papers are filed, but in my state, you can't get divorced while pregnant, so have to wait till end of August to complete it. Our history is not good at all. I am a person that cares too much, and gives too many chances. 8 years of lying and sleeping around with both sexes, during which we had 3 DDs. I have been getting my ducks in a row for about a year, and before the event that put him in jail.

TRIGGER

My current pregnancy was not intentional, I had not slept with him in over a year, and when my Dr. perscribed ambien to help me sleep (anxiety), apparently the dirtbag was still having sex with me. Believe me, my total confusion when I was told I was pregnant. Luckily, STBX was already in jail, so I didn't end up there myself! Yes, he fessed up, claiming he had rights as a husband. Asshole. I filed the same day I found this out.

END TRIGGER

Now, STBX is a complete sociopath/Narc. Can do no wrong, is the baaaaaaaaaby, blah blah blah. He and his family also think that I should be allowing our DSs to go visit him in prison every other weekend. I have allowed this twice, the girls wanted to and thought it was 'Daddy's work'. Once for Father's Day, once two months ago. I failed both times and caved to pressure. I made sure the girls weren't in any way affected by this, but I am not entirely comfortable with it. I view it as he made the decision that put himself in there, he lost his rights. I do not take phone calls from him, and if he wants to talk to the girls, he as to arrange it with another family member to use their phone at a certain time. He stresses me out too much for me to deal with him, and my kids and my health are my priority.

Almost the end, I promise! So I get a call from his Mooooomy on Saturday saying that he had been transferred to different building, one with higher security, so she's letting me know that his visitation schedule changed. Why? "He was in a tussle." Translation: He lost his temper and got into a fist fight. Too bad for him, not my problem. Then she starts in on how he was crying and saying if I leave him,

TRIGGER

he will kill himself.

END TRIGGER

 This is his usual MO. Whatever, I don't care. If you do it, make sure you finish the job so your kids can collect your social securty. Heartless, I know, but that is the point that I'm at. Ok thanks for the info, I'm busy. Then she hits me with "I don't understand how you can be so cold." Really, bitch? So I give her the riot act of all the shit I have done for him, and have gone thru, then proceed to tell her to not contact me again until she gets her head out of her ass, I hang up. Later on, (and one FM whom I didn't answer the door for) I proceed to receive numerous (ignored) phone calls, with no voicemails, then get text messages saying that there is visitation the next day (sunday), who can go? Another one an hour later saying 'will you get the girls ready to leave about 8:30?' My DD's had just visited last weekend, NO they aren't going again, espcially to a higher secuirty area! I finally respond "They aren't going tomorrow, They went last weekend." Calls and messages stop. Silence all day Sunday, though I was prepared and locked up the house and left for about 2 hours around the time they wanted to leave. This morning, the calls and texts start again. I ignore the calls, get a text saying call her when I get up. NOPE. Another few phones calls, still no voicemails, another message " I WANT 2 TAKK 2 U ABOUT SOMETHING NOT (STBX)" (Her spelling, not mine) Finally blocked her number on my phone and sent texts to spam box.

I feel like I am being cold hearted, but this woman has guilt tripped me numerous times in the passed few weeks about his suicide threats, and I am just done. I'm 31 weeks along, and trying to get situated to move 1300 miles back to my home state. I am stressed enough without having to deal with your BS. Am I wrong to just stop communication cold turkey, or should I write the dreaded TO text letting her know I need time away? Or am I being a cold hearted bitch in general?

Could I get some opinions please.

For the last month my parents, my family and I were planning on going on a camping trip for the weekend. Than a few days before we were suppose to leave my mom switched plans and invited my brother and his family to go. (My parents have a very nice camper, for one it isn't big enough for everyone and also I can not handle my neices and nephew) I asked them if we could just go with them. Than she goes and invites them!! I am so upset!

Now the next 2 weekends we are busy than it will be my DD birthday party the following weekend than she starts school. This was the only time we had to go, but since they had the weekend off she invited them.

 She knows I am upset about it. Am I over reacting??

BG:

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a55911586/mil_---_how_would_you_take_this_updatemore_issues_on_pg5_ctj_812

^read 5,8, 12 & 14!

Ok, so since the last update on my other thread we have basically just BH everything from MIL. She has sent numerous texts/debil messages to my H and he has ignored every. single. one... It has been almost a whole month of glorious silence (for me). The communications were all directed to H and were mostly attempts to rug sweep (hi, how are you doing. what are you up to today) until the final message that said "your(H's) silence says it all" and that she will not be contacting him anymore since he clearly doesn't want to speak with her, and that she is hurt by all of this and she will stop "putting him in the middle" gag.

So here is my dilemma. We never clarified if she was CO, it was more just ITO for us until H sorted out his feelings and decided on what type- if any- relationship he wanted to have with MIL. I feel like he was leaning towards CO because of her non-apology. At this point I'm happy with the silence. BUT my ODS birthday is only a couple weeks away and every year he requests a pool party & BBQ and we invite IL's and my family all together- one big party. My son is COMPLETELY UNAWARE of the issues with MIL, and would notice that she wasn't present at his party.. IF we invite her, it will be awkward for me and H, but basically no one else is aware of the situation. My parents are only slightly aware that we haven't spoken to MIL because she keeps posting memes on debil about "you will realize how much I cared one day and you will miss me" and "you can't win an argument with a negative person because they are only listening to respond" and my mom asked me what was up with her. So I told her we aren't talking to her- also my mom was the one who took my boys while we had the clusterfuck CTJ, she could tell it didn't go well, so she's put the pieces together but doesn't know what the inital issue was.

What do I do?? I feel like every scenario is a lose/lose...

if we invite her and she doesn't show then she's an ass..

if we invite her and she does show then eww we're stuck with her and rugsweeping will commence.

if we don't invite her then we are somehow contributing to her non-relationship with ODS?

and let's not even talk about the possibility of her showing up without an invite.