I've been lurking but this is my first time posting. My FIL and his GF have become my BEC based on an incident from 6 months ago that I'm still angry about. The thing is, after reading this board for a while, I see where DH and I made mistakes and had we known better, we could probably have prevented it so I'm questioning whether it was even really a boundary stomp and whether I have the right to be mad about it.

6 months ago, our first LO was born. I had been very clear with my FOO, MIL's side of the family, and our friends, that I wanted no unannounced hospital visits, and that we wanted to schedule visits so each group got their own set scheduled time to see LO. Unfortunately, we did not clearly communicate this with FIL because he and DH are not that close, only see each other a couple times a year even though we live 5 min away, and it just didn't occur to us that FIL would want to visit in the hospital (mistake #1). 

LO is born in the afternoon and DH sends out announcement texts and pics. FIL texts back and wants to visit that day. DH texts back saying no and that he can visit tomorrow (mistake #2 - we didn't give him a specific time).

The next day we had my parents' scheduled visit and my MIL's scheduled visit. I told DH I was concerned about FIL just showing up and DH insisted that he wouldn't show up unannounced and would call first (mistake #3). 

So my parents show up at their scheduled time and within 5 minutes in waltzes FIL and his GF and GF immediately takes LO from my mom's arms (my dad hadn't even gotten to hold her yet) and hands her to FIL and it's this big show with GF and FIL, GF snapping pictures everywhere, making DH, me, FIL, and LO pose for pictures, etc. Pretty soon my parents had to leave and my dad hadn't even held LO yet. Luckily our lunch arrived and we used that as a reason to get FIL and GF to leave, then I had my dad quickly hold LO before my parents had to go. 

At that time, I was so out of it from giving birth that I didn't really realize how pissed I was until later. I was pissed that they showed up without calling, that GF immediately took LO from my mom, that GF was acting like FIL was GFOTY when we aren't even that close by far compared to my FOO and MIL's side of the family. I was also very pissed that they had us pose for a bunch of pics when I was in a hospital gown with my underwear showing and my face super swollen and eyes bloodshot from pushing for 3.5 hours. But the thing I was the most pissed about was that I had made such a big deal to my poor parents about not boundary stomping and coming when scheduled and they adhered to my wishes and then their visit got steamrolled by FIL and GF.

I realize that after writing this all out it is our fault for never clearly telling FIL that we wanted him to come at a scheduled time, so why am I still pissed?

So my dad left my brother and I when I was 4 and he was 3. He didn't reappear again until just before my marriage in 22 years later. We saw him maybe a total of 10 times in those 22 years.

He came back into our lives wanting (now that the hard part was done) us to be a family again. He knows I endured years of sexual abuse in his absense. He made no effort to be around after I was abused and broken at only 10 years old. He knew about the abuse but couldn't be bothered to visit or help.

He has been a huge jerk since he came back. He makes my brothers achievements about him but will not take responsibility for leaving us and never looking back. He expected to come back into our lives when we were grown up, successful, and then take all the credit. Well since my brother always wanted our dad in his life he lets him  in. My dad will take credit for everything my brother has accomplished and my brother doesn't even care.

Anyway, bro and I don't get along. The abuse I suffered made him resentful of me and how after my mom found out the abuse she CO her whole family. My brother was never abused so to him it was a nice life. When we left and took only our matresses and clothes and lived poor for awhile, apparently it was hard for him. Nevermind what I went through. He thinks I should have just told my abusers 'no' which is not possible at 4 years old. He just doesn't understand and says that I ruined his childhood.

My dad also wasn't around after OR when my mom married another man that did end up molesting me as well - for 5 years. These years were hard for me also. He never called, checked up, or spoke with my brother and I during these years. My step-dad was an angry abusive jerk. I think I secretly wanted him to come and whish me away from all the abuse.

After my DD was born I tried really hard to mend fences and let the past lie there, thinking that my dad could maybe turn out to be descent. Well, he isn't. He belittles me all the time and raises my brother on a pedestal. He talks about me and how everything I do is wrong. It's put down after put down. After my DH was almost killed in a car accident, he drove me to the hospital an hour away (trauma hosp) and the whole way there and back kept saying it was my fault because I choose to SAH with DD and not work.

One night we spoke on the phone and it took a turn for the worse. He was yelling and I was yelling and he said he wanted nothing more to do with me and that he was done. By entension this meant my DD also. He walked out on me and now he is walking out on her also. It really didn't surprise me. He is in the kitchen but can't stand the heat and his 'fight or flight' is always flight. He is weak and a coward.

What surprises me is that he remembers the conversation different from the way I do AND he has been talking to my brother about it. Of course, since my brother and I don't get along, it doesn't help. I have my brother asking me why I won't call dad and I tell him I am just respecting his wishes. He tells him the same thing because, in his mind, I cut him off. He plays the victim card well. Yet in his e-mail he claims he doesn't talk about me and the only way my brother can know is if my dad has been talking to him.

Anyway, my SIL is pregnant and we have little family. My DH is an only child, I only have a brother, and she has one sister (her sister and dad are busy caring for her mom who is in kidney failure and on dialysis). She really has no one around to help her with what to expect, except me and my DD is currently 8.

SIL and I have no relationship. She came maybe once to see DD and came to a few birthdays. Now we have a relationship. Nevermind that neither were around for me when I was pregnant and neither of them have made an effort to be involved since DD was born. Now, we have gone maternity shopping and text every week or so. I text to check up and we are closer, which is nice. Part of me thinks that I should be partially involved in their child's life like they have been in mine but that would be hard for DD at least until she is a teen and not interested in family hang outs

I decided to e-mail my father and ask him what his plans are for visiting once the baby is born. He will be loving this new child and ignore my DD while she watches? I don't think so. He responded saying he loves me (which I highly doubt) and saying that I am not going to tell him how things are going to be. All I did was ask him what the plans are. I can do things seperately if need be in order to protect my child.

I e-mailed him back and told him that he was love me but he always secretly hates me because I am a reminder of his failures as a parent. I asked him why he can't just see me as his daughter and not the one that's messed up. His son may be successful but he wasn't abused. It's not the same. We can't be measured by the same standards.

I want to be in my little nieces or nephews life and be around for them  but how do I do that with a child of my own. I could ignore my dad if it was just me but my DD is so excited about having a baby cousin. DD remembers him and loves him, despite his absense. I use to hate it when DH's parents refused to celebrate with my family and everything had to be done twice but there were no other kids excpet DD in that situation.

My DH HATES my dad and brother with a passion because he sees what they have put me through. He can't stand to be around them because my dad rubs my brothers success in his face. My DH works hard and we live paycheck to paycheck but I SAH and do everything for DD and him. I love my life and even though we aren't 'rolling in dough' we are happy because happiness is something you can't buy. To me dad, the only thing that matters is how much money you have.

How do I do this? Do I deal with my father or celebrate seperately or just not be as involved with their child? Do I let DD around him if he promises to treat the kids equally? How do I make my DH understand that I want DD to have family? How do I prepare?

The hardest thing right now is waiting.

(Sorry I am a mess. I recently posted on the Bargain Hunters Board about the price of surviving)

I'm an old lurker with a new screen name. I logged out a few months ago and while trying to log back in I seem to have forgotten the password to my old account.

The few months I have become increasingly annoyed with my PIL.
Of course there are small issues before but nothing major. Mostly just MIL being dramatic and a gossip which isn't a huge deal to me and I can deal with it. She's been mostly helpful.

DH and I have a 3 year old son who has epilepsy. Under the recommendation of his doctor we have started him on a ketogenic diet. That is a high fat, low carb diet which means he can't have any sweets with regular sugar. He has been on the diet for a month so far and it's going well.

We talked to MIL & FIL when we first started about NOT leaving out food out if they knew we are coming over. They acted like they understood and were okay with it.
DS can't have foods that "typical" kids eat.
 On this particular occasion, DH calls to say we are on our way.  
When we walk into their house, there are freaking cookies sitting on the stove. I know we should have asked them to make sure all food was put away but we thought that was understood since we had that talk.
DS sees them and cries because he wants one. PIL "forgot" and are
"so sorry". We forgave them because it's a change and they have to get used to it.
After that we gave them a booklet about epilepsy and the ketogenic diet.

A week later just DH takes DS over there to see them. I had packed DS's lunch to take with.
Apparently, MIL sees what I made him and according to DH she says in a disgusted tone, "What is THAT?"
DH told her this is how DS eats now for his health and not to act grossed out in front of him.

It wasn't even anything bad. But for MIL "healthy" is frozen chicken nuggets and sweetened applesauce.

A few days after that, DH and I go over there while FIL is at work for DS to play with his cousin who MIL watches.
While DH was using the restroom she makes the comment, "(FIL) saw what you packed for DS's lunch the other day and he asked "what on earth is that!"
(She was the one who said it, but made it out like FIL was the one who said it? Really weird.)
Anyway I responded the same as DH, "Well that's DS's diet now."
While we were there (I packed DS's lunch again) we were all sitting down eating lunch. DS's cousin wanted chips and a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich (he's the same age as DS. Eats
nothing but junk all day.)

DS was eating his food. The cousin and MIL were both looking at his food and had grossed out looks on their face. There was also some issues with DS being upset that he didn't get what his cousin was having so we will no longer be taking DS over there during eating times, because it's not fair for him.


A couple of weeks after that, DH takes him over there for a visit again.
He calls ahead to make sure all food is put away. Cousin isn't there this time.
While there, DS finds a random sucker in their living room!!!
MIL had NO IDEA where it came from. DH said he asked DS where he found it and DS said in one of the table drawers but MIL claims to have cleaned them all out.
DH and I have agreed that we're not comfortable with taking DS over there anymore.
Are we being unreasonable and mean or is this the right thing to do?

I've lurked on here for a while (under a different name), but it's time for me to post. I apologize if I miss an abbreviation as I'm still learning. But, I'm basically writing this for my DH to understand his mooommmmmy is toxic and where to go from here, I've reached my breaking point. We have ds who is 2 and dd who is 3 months old.

I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy, if you don't make it through the entire post I understand. Before you start reading the background, MIL and FIL have been divorced for nearly 20 something years which might play into what is going on.

Background: When our 2 year old was born MIL came to the hospital at 8am and stayed all day holding my baby and inviting people without asking. DH wasn't there the whole time as he had to work. MIL held my baby most of the day, me being stupid and naive then I allowed this to happen. After leaving the hospital she continued to stop by our house basically every night uninvited. I eventually made DH put a stop to this. When DS was nearly a year MIL was babysitting for a for a day and requested that she have my car with the car seat in it to go grocery shopping. I left her my car and took hers for the day. Well I return home from work and she is gone with my baby and didn't ask DH or I if she could leave anywhere. I'm in sheer panic mode and pissed off because I don't know where my child is. Well, she took DS to see her mother in the nursing home without our consent (who we didn't want DS around because GMIL is also crazy). DH eventually received an apology for this and I still to this day have not.

Fast Forward to Christmas this last year, I'm pregnant with DD so I do not need stress, and GMIL has stage 4 cancer so ILs are having Xmas at her Cottage with the whole family as per "her request". I tell MIL we will not make it this year since we spent Xmas with them last year and it's my family's turn this year. Well then I receive a nasty message from MIL telling me that I can go spend time with my family and DH and DS can go with her family for the day and 'she will be so upset if DS isn't there'.She also tells me that we will need to figure out future holiday so they're fair...she went far enough to say that she gets Thanksgiving and my family can have Christmas next year...At this point I'm fuming and I have put my foot down with her, I have tried to have discussions with DH explaining that this behavior is not ok and she has no say in things, but he still doesn't get it. I caved and went to the cottage for a few hours and then we drove to see my family. I know I messed up here and shouldn't have gone.

There's a lot more to some of this too, so if you need more information I'll provide it. But I'm trying to avoid a super lengthy post.

DH and I discussed when our DD was born how we wanted no visitors, I wanted to avoid exactly what happened before. So I thought we were on the same page, a few days before she's born he is hounding me for MIL to babysit DS. There is NO way I will allow this to happen, so this creates a huge argument. Then after DD is born, he brings up allowing MIL to just stop by quick so she can meet DD briefly 'she won't stay long'. I continue to say no, as the women that clearly cannot respect me does not need to be involved in this intimate time. Well, low and behold I'm going through discharge papers with a nurse and guess who shows up? MIL, yep she sure does! She doesn't even acknowledge me or say two words to me. I still have resentment issues with this, I don't understand how DH could allow this to happen?

When we got home MIL wouldn't leave DH alone, wanting to come and see us. I didn't want to see her nor do I want this woman around my children. She doesn't understand what she did wrong, so I agree with DH to a sit down to talk with her. She comes over to our house and DH & I both try to explain why things got to the point they are where we don't allow her to see our children (I've listed more things she has done less lengthy below), but she still doesn't get it. She starts screaming at me to the point I'm shaking mad and I asked her to kindly leave my house. She refused and tells me she isn't going anywhere until this is resolved. I ended up leaving to go get the kids from daycare and let DH deal with her.

Easter was a few days after this conversation, and DH wants to take the kids to see her. I told him I'm not comfortable with that because she is going to get false hope, and I'd leave him if he did. Well he didn't take the kids over there. But I got a message from her asking to bring the kids over so we can just put all of this behind us and move forward.

That argument was the last time I saw her; we are now trying to get counseling on how to deal with her. She set up an appt a couple weeks ago (that I found out two hours before so I couldn't make it) and I told her I couldn't make it. Well then she texts me saying that I will be there, and I will be there the next week and the week after until this is resolved. After this message I blocked all contact with her. What I can't get past is the fact that DH cannot stand up for me with her, and continues to put up with her?

So to my breaking point...we were discussing the baptism of DS and he said he'd like to hold off until things are civil with MIL. And I said I'm not putting my life on hold for someone that is so disrespectful to me. He said that she will be there; I told him that if she's there I will not be there and he said again she will be there. I explained that his family should come first and he said they are his family, and I explained how they're his extended family and we are nuclear. But he still seems to stick up for her! How can I make him understand this? I know you wonderful ladies will have some lovely advice!

Here are other things she has done....(just a few others)

Given gifts that we have specifically asked people not to get our children.

Gone against our wishes with things, such as carrying our DS around everywhere, even while cooking.

Hovering over DS to the point she won't leave his side.

Ruined Mother's Day by making DH feel so bad for her that he didn't come to see her. He was in the kitchen with his phone attached to his hand for 45 mins texting with her, and then storming out at 8 at night to go bring her a gift.

When DD was born both DH and I got a text from MIL asking if that was FIL's vehicle in our driveway, he was watching DS for us.

She keeps score. If we see my family for a weekend, we also 'owe' her a weekend.

So DWILers, please let me have it! How do I deal with my DH and MIL from here?

(Edited to insert paragraphs & to add update)

Where do I even begin?...

I'm 18 years old and I've been keeping everything bottled up since birth about what I've had to go through, so here it goes. I encourage you to read because it is an interesting part of the whole story. I know this is a baby site but I've found people similarity writing about their parents.

To begin with, my mother has a mental illness. Whether this is diagnosed or not, she has one and it's clearly evident.

She was born in the late 60s in a family a middle class family, she's the middle child. My grandparents came from weird backgrounds. My mom's mom was abusive towards all her kids because she was bottling up emotions of her childhood that later came out. On her death bed she told everyone that she had been in a sexual relationship with her father from early teens till she was 18 and married my grandpa. My grandpa knew nothing. You can imagine how messed up this woman was, insane pill popper. My grandpa came from a super poor family but became successful and fell in love with her - he was a weird guy too though, you could tell he saw a lot from the time he was born (1920s)

My mom always told me stories about how she'd always been bullied and how she was always so afraid of everything. People would make remarks of her being mentally Ill but it was an embarrassment to her parents that she was "challenged" so they never did anything with her - I'm guessing she has autism as well as other things.

She basically grew up a social outcast through school, she almost failed grade 5. All she would do was watch tv - that was her escape and depended on her parents to take care of her.

When she turned 18 she met a man who was 40 years old. She was a virgin and they were in an off an on relationship till she was 27. Within that time frame he had gotten 2 other women pregnant and my mom had to get 2 abortions because he didn't want to wear condoms. She said she stayed with him because she had no confidence that she could do better. She was paying for everything, including taking him out to dinner etc. He would pick at her and put her down.

Finally he moved out of town and she felt scrambled at 27. No husband. No family of her own. She never partied, never lived up her life.

She was working downtown at a makeup counter and this is where she met my dad. I'm guessing at this point she was so desperate she was willing to take any guy that looked at her.

They got married. Before they got married, my dad had been showing different uses of drugs and dealing pot. His family was weird. He moved in to the apartment my mom was living in, my grandpa owned the building and she was living rent free. My dad took advantage of her and used her for her money.

My mom told me that when she got pregnant with me, his reply was "well, what do you wanna do about it?" She had me.

My dad was a deadbeat. He left when I was about 3 and my grandpa (moms side) stepped in. Before my dad left when he said he would be at work, he'd be at some crack house because by that point he was doing heroin and heavy meth and cocaine use. He'd be in the bathroom and I'd be running around in the living room.

By this time, my mom was super bitter. She became jealous of me because I was so young and had my whole life ahead of me. Everyone would say how beautiful I was and she hated it. She took out all her anger on me. "You fuckin little bitch! I'm gonna fuckin kill you!" She'd scream at the top of her lungs with her teeth clenched and her fist in my face. "You're just like your father!!" When id leave a toy out. "If I didn't have you id have so much money!!" She'd scream.

When all this was happening I remember being so afraid. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment and I had shared a bed with her till I was 16! This woman didn't know anything about privacy or making me into a person. We shared clothes, right down to the underwear. I was a mini version of her until recently.

I had met a man that completely changed me. He gave me love and trust and I was able to vent to him about all this stuff and more in detail. He got me into eating healthy and exercising (I was so fat because I used food as a loving nurturing thing). He would talk to me on the phone all the time, text me, there wasn't a minute we weren't together in some form.

I lost my virginity to this guy and after we had sex (it was almost 2 years after we first met) things slowly faded. Were not together anymore but I believe people come into your life for a reason. I'm a different person, I'm a healthy weight and I'm taking better care of myself.

But, right now it's so hard because he was my rock, my everything. I've recently contacted a therapist. I'm living in the building that my grandfather owns (my mom does too) but in a different apartment. I'm scrambling to get a job so I can move out and cut out my mother.

I'm graduating highschool in 2 weeks with no friends, I left my old friends behind that would use me for money for pot (I was a big pot smoker too).

I'm so nervous for my transition into college. Do you have any advice for me on what to do besides therapy, a job to move out and keeping up the exercise?

I have no other family - the ones that I have from my moms side are all assholes and make fun of my situation. I cut my dad and his side out a long time ago.

There's more to this story but that's the basic of what I'm dealing with now.

New poster, long time lurker, you guys saved me from boredom while on bed rest.

Know the rules, read the sticky.

Not much background MIL, is my BEC and since birth of my surprise baby in August 2013, things have gotten even worse. We were one and done with the 2003 baby due to infertility, so she is the only baby on that side of the family since then, so baby rabies has been in full effect.

I am pretty good at shooting down anything I do not want to do or allow my girls to do. My youngest has never stayed with anyone and we just recently allowed her to stay with a sitter while I ran errands due to the heat, 102 this week and climbing . I just don't feel the need to have others watch my children when not necessary.

Now the issue at hand, I am not sure how to reply without being mean, because well I am over it. Important note here MIL B day is 8/1, my lo is 8/3. My MIL sent my husband a text wanting to make plans for her Birthday  this coming up Sunday, we agreed set a time then things were changed to Saturday at noon. Everyone knows I have school and class on Saturdays until 2pm. MIL stated she will wait for me to get off before they leave for lunch. In the past I was invited to lunch and they ate without me after setting up times, so I am hesitant to plan anything. We went ahead and agreed.

Next text was my MIL asking if she could do cake for my lo birthday on Saturday. My husband asked me I said no, we were not doing cake twice for a 2 yr old. So his reply was " We prefer to do the cake for her Birthday ourselves". Dead silence from her, no response from past behavior I know she is pouting and thinks she is hurting us by not responding. Any time I say no to something we get the silent treatment.

I vote we don't go on Saturday and say to heck with her Birthday plans because she is going to make it all about the lo birthday and since I am the parent I think I should be handling anything to do with it.

She has already told my husband she bought the lo a better present then the one he asked for. He suggested a $30 foam folding toddler couch (easy clean up) when pushed for ideas. Instead she bought the one from TRU that was $100 and had a storage bench underneath.

So what do I do from here, for the first time I am at a loss as to how to handle her.

So...my family is coming to visit me and DH and see their first GC. When they stated they wanted to visit and wanted to know when was good, I made sure DH was cool with it as he can't stand my mother. He had them send him the dates and he picked out when he was okay with them coming up to ND.

They will be here 6/5-6/8.

My DH is already BEC with my parents as they recently bought my sister an 8K dollar car that they pay for (I earned my first car...it was later given to me, but I had saved up for it before my Grandparents changed their mind and just handed it over), and we have had to shut down a lot of baby rabies comments from my mother such as "Oh...Baby Mast looks like his grandpa!"...to which I commented that Baby looks just like his father, not his grandpa, and "I love baby more." "No mother....DH and I love baby more than anyone ever will, including you."

DH has been proud of my shutting down my mom and pointing out all her comments.

Now...for the part I'm wondering about...did I set out the right rules?

They must stay in a hotel.

They are not allowed to come by without mine and DH's okay.

When they come by they are not allowed to take baby from me or DH. We will offer him if we want him held.

When we say leave, they must go.

They are not allowed to comment on how we parent him. (LO will be 10 weeks when they get here.)

Any breaking of these rules and they will be kicked out for the remainder of the trip.

I did offer to cancel the visit when I realized DH's current level of BEC with my mom, but he stated no, that he was still okay with them coming, and confirmed when they would be arriving with my dad himself.

I am off from 6/6-6/8 with my parents. I tried for the 5th too but too many people were off. I had offered to ask my parents to switch days to 6/6-6/9 but DH doesn't want me to lose any more work days, and since I had stated they couldn't come unless we told them it was okay, he says he doesn't have to worry about them coming by on 6/5 until I'm home from work.

So am I doing this right? This is the first time I am really putting on my spine. I haven't seen my parents since last July...and only talk to them 1-2 x a month for 20-30 minutes. DH is happy with my rules and progress as far as shutting down my mom on my own...so he wants to see if I can keep it up when I'm face to face with her.

BG pg 2, Updates 3, 6, 8, 12, 14, 15, 22, 23, 24, 25, 27, 28, 29, 30, 34, 35, 36

Read the sticky, and have been lurking for a few days - though fairly new here and new to the IL stuff as well. HI!  

BG: I moved to Florida, from Maryland when I was 8 months pregnant to live with BF, also* (edited) my sons father. My family is all in Maryland and Virginia. I haven't seen any since I left in April, had my son in May. All of BF's immediate family is here, within a hour or so away. His mom visits every other week or so, sometimes more, and so does his sister.

My mom is driving down from Virginia Friday (to get here Saturday, 18ish hour drive) and will stay until Monday. This will be her first time seeing her grandson, and I really want her to have all undivided attention with him (obviously with the exception of me and daddy). I don't want her to have to share her 72 hours here, with anyone else - including BF's family. They can see him pretty much whenever they want, they're very close geographically. 

Would I be wrong to ask him to have his family come either before, or after her trip? If that's acceptable, does anyone have any suggestions on how to present it, without sounding like a complete ass wipe? 

CO MIL found me on Pinterest (pics included)

MIL has been CO for the past year for her general crazyness & boundary stomps. I blocked her through email & the debil, but apperantly she just remembered her Pinterest account. I have been BHing all of her attempts of contact for the past year (but have made plenty of burn letters).

An email got through right before Thanksgiving, then a 5 page hand written letter came in the mail before Christmas. Silence from then until a package to LO came for Easter, then silence until the Pinterest bs. She sent me FIFTY NINE pins in the span of 50 minutes. She quit after that, then I found out how to block users.

I showed DH what was going on and all he had to say was "It's pretty sad that she doesn't have anything else better to do." We live 23 miles from her & I'm so surprised that there hasn't been a lawn tantrum from the way she talks.

Anyways, Pinterest bs was 3 days ago & today DH gets a birthday card in the mail from MIL. I'll include pictures in the comments.

Once it is marked as delivered, H will also send the letter via email, so there cannot be any 'misunderstandings' about what we actually sent them.

Hopefully this is the end of it and this will be the shortest thread ever (and while we're at it, I would also like to win the lottery).