Hello oh wise DWILers! I have lurked here for a very long time and read almost daily. I'm breaking the silence in hopes of some guidance. 

DH and I have CO my sister. There is a lot of BG, containing some triggers. The quick and dirty version is that my sister is a "sensitive" and "emotional" person which IMO translates to controlling and selfish. She has tantrums and crying fits that leave everyone around her feeling as though they cannot be honest with her or voice opinions that may be unfavorable in her eyes.

Although I met DH through sister and BIL, sis has never liked DH or my SD. SD was 2 when DH and I met, 3 when we married and is now 9. I am her main care giver as DH works long hours and her BM has very limited time with no overnights. This dynamic is not new, I consider my SD one of my kids and my family knows this. 

Obviously parents/mothers don't get such limited time with their kids unless some bad things happen. SD has had a troubled past that did not leave her unscathed despite years of therapy.

There were two incidents that took place with my SD and one of my nieces. ***TRIGGER*** Sister claims SD was sexually inappropriate with her DD. The last of the two alleged incidents was three years ago. DH and I did take action and implemented safety strategies to keep all the kids safe. END TRIGGER

Sister seemed to move on and seemed satisfied with our action. Then she got upset with me over an unrelated incident where she read a private message of mine. Now she hates SD, says terrible things about her and is nasty towards her which is the reason we CO her.

I just found out she is slandering my DH and I saying that we never got SD therapy (lies), we don't protect our other kids from her (also lies), and that we never validated the above mentioned incidents (also a lie).

I really want to write her an email. Not to fix anything with her and not to change her mind, but to have a chance to finally say my peace and give myself some closure. My question is, is this a horrible idea? I am hurt and angry. I'm tired of her demonizing a little girl who was a victim first. I've spent so long skirting around her poor *feewings* and I just need to get it all out. Also, her lies could have an impact on my future career working with juveniles in the CRJ system. Also, our mother has her on a TO currently because she is like this with everyone.

Also, how have you all dealt with collateral damage? Obviously I won't be seeing her kids anymore and it hurts like Hell and I worry about them and their wellbeing (not exactly CPS worthy).

Any advice is welcome and if I need to share more BG with more details please ask. 

I am in the process of divorcing my husband. It's a low-conflict divorce and we remain good friends, I doubt if this is going to change much.

We have twins who will be 1 at the end of the month. We decided instead of throwing a big party, we were going to do a BBQ and pool party type thing at his house with some friends and family, and spend what money we would've spent on a big birthday party on a huge Harry Potter themed photo shoot for them (since their birthday is the same day as Harry Potter's). 

So anyway. I've never had a problem with STBX's family, and even since we separated, I've never had any issues with STBX's family. In fact, as far as I'd known up til this point, we were still amiable.

Today I got a phone call from STBX's mom, which I will transcribe below.

STBX's mom: Jenny, hi, it's STBX's mom.

Me: Hi...what's up?

STBX's mom: Well, we just checked our email and got the evite for the girls' birthday party.

Me: Oh, cool, great. The day is okay for you guys? STBX wasn't sure but he figured it would be okay.

Her: Yeah, the day is fine, but don't you think that's weird?

Me: what's weird?

Her: That you're having a joint birthday party for them. 

Me: Well, no...we're their parents, and we figured it made more sense for us to do one party for them than two parties...?

Her: Well, we think it's weird.

Me: Uh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Her: So I thought that [STBX's dad] and I could have a party for them here for our family and you can do whatever. 

Me: ...what does STBX think of that?

Her: I don't know, we didn't ask him. 

Me: ....okayyyyyyyyy. I have to go drop the girls off with STBX now so bye. 

So I go to drop the girls off with STBX. When I get there, I decide to bring up the phone conversation with him. Again, I will transcribe our conversation below.

Me: So your mom phoned me.

Him: Oh God.

Me: She was all "why are you having a joint party with STBX? That's weird."

Him: Ok...

Me: And then she was like "So [your dad] and I are going to have our own party at our house for our family and you can do whatever." 

Him: This is the first I'm hearing of that

Me: I know, she was like "well no, I didn't ask him."

Him: Weird.

Me: Yeah...

Him: Maybe that's a thing grandparents do? I don't know, that's weird. I never even thought of that.

Then he suggested I consult "one of my Internet boards" as to whether or not this was a commonplace practice, so here we are.

It's not normal for grandparents to throw a separate party for their grandkids, is it? (I will say that in STBX's family, at least, it is normal for his mother to make decisions and then tell STBX later what's going on, but typically not about the girls)

If we don't want them to throw a party, is it appropriate for us to say so? Or is there just no stopping it? Of course, we can just choose not to bring the girls to them, and a party without the guests of honor might a little weird...

Hey guys,

I have about 10 weeks left before I give birth to LO. Some days it seems like forever and other days it seems like I have hardly any time left to prep!

Here is my quandary: MOO has been CO since the beginning of April. You can find background here:

 http://community.babycenter.com/post/a57951994/need_help_handling_sudden_fm_long_update_pg_8?cpg=9

After my last post, and having been on DWIL for several months, I have some concerns. 

I have not had any contact RE: MOO since Aunt tried out her FM act. Just innocuous comments on a couple of my posts/photos, and the usual stuff on other family member's posts. 

She did make a couple of vague book posts that made me wonder if she was trying to PA reference the situation with MOO.

Such as this like a day or two later:

Some people suffer in silence, never allowing their broken hearts to burden another. Be kind people. You might be the strength a person needs.And things are definitely not always as they seem.

And these:

A Big Sister is the greatest gift God ever gave. (MOO is 11 months older)

I need to win the lottery so I can be near all my family back in (home country) and fly to whereever (MOO) is. She needs me. 

Now, I know I could just be sensitive to anything that could reference MOO and that I may be paranoid etc. 

But after shutting down the FM crap, I am wondering what MOO might have told her to try to spin herself back in a good light. No one else has tried to interfere and Aunt has been quiet on that that front, but with 10 weeks left until LO, I am worried BSC might come sooner than later. 

DH and I have already decided we will not be telling people (except his FOO who live near us and will be watching ODS and YDS) that I am in labor because we all are wary that MOO is BSC enough to as soon as she hears a whisper of labor being eminent would hop in the car and make the 8 hour drive to crash the hospital. We don't live in a large community and she knows I have had the same doctor for the past 7 years, so she would know exactly where to go (she had an epic meltdown in L&D when I had ODS). 

So the plan thus far is: only tell those who need to know for babysitting duty etc, we plan on making the nurses and security aware of the situation and give them a photo of MOO if necessary.

As far as my questions with the debil goes, we have always posted photos of the LOs within a few days of birth with basic info to share with family and friends. I have a huge family that is spread across 3 countries and we have a lot of very close friends on the opposite coast etc. I never encounter any drama, fights, or issues like that on the Debil and find it a useful tool for keeping in contact. 

BUT...what are the chances that people copy and paste photos of LO and send them to MOO? She is blocked on all social media, email, and my phone, but all it takes is a freaking right click save and someone can share my photo in an email attachment with her. So far, Aunt has been the only FM but I would not be surprised if others in either her family or Step Dad's family ( I am really close to his siblings but not to him at all and he got CO with MOO) didn't try and say something because faaaaaaamiiily or pull the "she's a proud grandmother, at least let her know you guys are okay and send a few photos etc."

Only a few close friends, our pastor, one cousin, and Aunt know what MOO did (at least from our perspective, God knows what she told anybody else). 

Do I make a blanket statement before we have LO that we will not tolerate the sharing of any photos or info of him? 

In my BG you will see a remark from Aunt telling me I should make a Debil of my kids just for MOO so she can see tthem grow and hear about their activities and that is what is fueling my paranoia. I haven't CO Aunt because she backed off after I laid down the law but I have NO idea if any of my info is being shared behind my back. 

I am sorry this got so long. I am hormonal, cranky, and giving this way too much head space. 

TL;DR My Moo is BSC, I am having a baby soon, FMs might try to share info, how should I handle that possibility? 

Hi, Old member, new name.

Sorry for any grammatical errors in advance.

I have been with my husband since 2012, married since 2014.

In the beginning of our relationship things seemed very normal. I had no problems with his family (my family was/is BSC.) MIL seemed really nice and supportive and FIL seemed like a great guy. DH has one brother who is pretty okay, however, he has moments. Anywho, things went well until after LO was born. MIL started saying things like "Whimsy and that baby are going to run DH into the ground." "Whimsy, don't be too hard on DH, you know he has a lot going on, and you need him to get his stuff done" DH and I were both in college at the time, however, people seem to value his degree more since he will probably always make more than me. I should add that I worked, interned, and went to school full time during my pregnancy, as well as only taking one week out after delivering LO (bad idea.) I worked all the way up to graduation, then I became a SAHM. Things got worse when his dad started spreading rumors that I was abusive to DH due to my martial arts background and saying things like "I sure hope Whimsy isn't pregnant because she sure is looking fat" "If she's pregnant it will be so hard on DH because that's one more mouth to feed." Those comments got FIL put on a TO and now ELC for me and LO. (MIL didn't have any actions taken against her because I was rather spineless at the time.)

Info you will need:

DH is still on ILs phone bill, as is BIL

ILs are still on our bank account (it was set up before DH and I got together)

ILs have not contributed to said bank account

I signed on to said bank account to help DH out during the school year.

ILs are making up every reason to stay on our bank account.

ILs have always been pretty crappy with money and always seem to be in a jam around the time when DH gets paid. They all of a sudden forget their phone bill is due around DHs payday, or they will "accidently" use the wrong card to pay something. I have told DH that this is an issue for me and to have them removed immediately. He has not ,so I took matters into my own hands. I formatted an email along with a document for them to sign and have notarized and sent back to me and DH so we could take it to the bank to have them removed (at our bank all parties have to be present and they don't live anywhere near us.) That was a week ago and they have not returned anything to me and always bean dip when I call to bring it up. DH doesn't want to close the account because his paycheck, and our bills come out of that one.

The issue at hand. FIL called DH a few days ago and said they needed $X on the phone bill because he was low on cash due to going to the hospital a month prior. DH told FIL to take out the cash without talking it over with me. I budget our bills and expenses for each pay period, I had exactly $X left for savings and emergency money with this paycheck. Now our account is in the negative due to this. I am livid! I am at my limit with DH and his parents when it comes to our life. There is so much more that contributes to my breaking point, but when it comes to money for my family I just can't deal anymore.

My question is, what now? How can I tell DH how upset I am without blowing up? What do I say to his parents?

I'm an old lurker with a new screen name. I logged out a few months ago and while trying to log back in I seem to have forgotten the password to my old account.

The few months I have become increasingly annoyed with my PIL.
Of course there are small issues before but nothing major. Mostly just MIL being dramatic and a gossip which isn't a huge deal to me and I can deal with it. She's been mostly helpful.

DH and I have a 3 year old son who has epilepsy. Under the recommendation of his doctor we have started him on a ketogenic diet. That is a high fat, low carb diet which means he can't have any sweets with regular sugar. He has been on the diet for a month so far and it's going well.

We talked to MIL & FIL when we first started about NOT leaving out food out if they knew we are coming over. They acted like they understood and were okay with it.
DS can't have foods that "typical" kids eat.
 On this particular occasion, DH calls to say we are on our way.  
When we walk into their house, there are freaking cookies sitting on the stove. I know we should have asked them to make sure all food was put away but we thought that was understood since we had that talk.
DS sees them and cries because he wants one. PIL "forgot" and are
"so sorry". We forgave them because it's a change and they have to get used to it.
After that we gave them a booklet about epilepsy and the ketogenic diet.

A week later just DH takes DS over there to see them. I had packed DS's lunch to take with.
Apparently, MIL sees what I made him and according to DH she says in a disgusted tone, "What is THAT?"
DH told her this is how DS eats now for his health and not to act grossed out in front of him.

It wasn't even anything bad. But for MIL "healthy" is frozen chicken nuggets and sweetened applesauce.

A few days after that, DH and I go over there while FIL is at work for DS to play with his cousin who MIL watches.
While DH was using the restroom she makes the comment, "(FIL) saw what you packed for DS's lunch the other day and he asked "what on earth is that!"
(She was the one who said it, but made it out like FIL was the one who said it? Really weird.)
Anyway I responded the same as DH, "Well that's DS's diet now."
While we were there (I packed DS's lunch again) we were all sitting down eating lunch. DS's cousin wanted chips and a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich (he's the same age as DS. Eats
nothing but junk all day.)

DS was eating his food. The cousin and MIL were both looking at his food and had grossed out looks on their face. There was also some issues with DS being upset that he didn't get what his cousin was having so we will no longer be taking DS over there during eating times, because it's not fair for him.


A couple of weeks after that, DH takes him over there for a visit again.
He calls ahead to make sure all food is put away. Cousin isn't there this time.
While there, DS finds a random sucker in their living room!!!
MIL had NO IDEA where it came from. DH said he asked DS where he found it and DS said in one of the table drawers but MIL claims to have cleaned them all out.
DH and I have agreed that we're not comfortable with taking DS over there anymore.
Are we being unreasonable and mean or is this the right thing to do?

My DH is military and we are lucky to live on the opposite side of the country from my IL's. His parents are divorced and he is very close to his dad, not so much to his mom. My problem is this....my father in law is visiting us right now (and staying with us) and he has a tendency to tease about everything! From what I do with my DS to how I cook, to how I pick up...he just picks everything but I can't get offended because "he's just messing with me." My DH does this as well but I can tell him to shut the **** up, my FIL, will probably shouldn't, but, I'm close to doing it anyway. 

My nerves are extremely tense right now. We are moving in 1 weeks to be near my mother who is terminally ill, my son is acting up and is stressing me out and, I'm trying to get our house ready to move. My DH is also working longer hours than ever in his last week at this base. Bad timing, everywhere. 

It's not wrong to just tell my FIL that I've had enough and he can shut up or leave? My DH is working all week so it's just me, him and my son who could care less if grandpa is around. 

Hello oh wise DWILers! I have lurked here for a very long time and read almost daily. I'm breaking the silence in hopes of some guidance. 

DH and I have CO my sister. There is a lot of BG, containing some triggers. The quick and dirty version is that my sister is a "sensitive" and "emotional" person which IMO translates to controlling and selfish. She has tantrums and crying fits that leave everyone around her feeling as though they cannot be honest with her or voice opinions that may be unfavorable in her eyes.

Although I met DH through sister and BIL, sis has never liked DH or my SD. SD was 2 when DH and I met, 3 when we married and is now 9. I am her main care giver as DH works long hours and her BM has very limited time with no overnights. This dynamic is not new, I consider my SD one of my kids and my family knows this. 

Obviously parents/mothers don't get such limited time with their kids unless some bad things happen. SD has had a troubled past that did not leave her unscathed despite years of therapy.

There were two incidents that took place with my SD and one of my nieces. ***TRIGGER*** Sister claims SD was sexually inappropriate with her DD. The last of the two alleged incidents was three years ago. DH and I did take action and implemented safety strategies to keep all the kids safe. END TRIGGER

Sister seemed to move on and seemed satisfied with our action. Then she got upset with me over an unrelated incident where she read a private message of mine. Now she hates SD, says terrible things about her and is nasty towards her which is the reason we CO her.

I just found out she is slandering my DH and I saying that we never got SD therapy (lies), we don't protect our other kids from her (also lies), and that we never validated the above mentioned incidents (also a lie).

I really want to write her an email. Not to fix anything with her and not to change her mind, but to have a chance to finally say my peace and give myself some closure. My question is, is this a horrible idea? I am hurt and angry. I'm tired of her demonizing a little girl who was a victim first. I've spent so long skirting around her poor *feewings* and I just need to get it all out. Also, her lies could have an impact on my future career working with juveniles in the CRJ system. Also, our mother has her on a TO currently because she is like this with everyone.

Also, how have you all dealt with collateral damage? Obviously I won't be seeing her kids anymore and it hurts like Hell and I worry about them and their wellbeing (not exactly CPS worthy).

Any advice is welcome and if I need to share more BG with more details please ask. 

Created a new account for anonymity because I don't want to get into complex/controversial BG.

Brief BG: My parents have always had impossible expectations of me and have verbally abused me my entire life through teasing, jabs and guilt-trips. They don't approve of my DF and have constantly criticized him and questioned my choice to be with him, but to his face they've always acted like he was part of the family. I enabled it because at the time I was the female, SO version of a DuH and it nearly ruined my relationship with DF a few times. A few months ago after a horrible parental CTJ ambush and a number of serious conversations with DF, he finally opened my eyes to how enmeshed I was with my toxic parents and I began the process of growing a spine. Things have been tough, but since I stumbled across DWIL a few weeks ago reading through the threads and seeing all of the advice has helped a ton. 

I've had my dad on TO for about a month now and have my mom on LC, though that will probably transition into a TO soon as well. The thing is, none of this was ever conveyed to them - I sort of just faded off the map after a couple of bitter arguments (as in I stood up for myself and DF and got gaslighted for the hundredth time). I'm hesitant to do a complete CO, but after everything we've gone through I'm certain that the only relationship I'll ever have with them from this point forward is LC at best.

I feel like I should be write them a letter. Not trying to JADE - I've done that far too many times and it's always fallen on deaf ears - but just to let them know that I'm pretty much sick of being treated like a child who doesn't know any better, and that if they want to have any sort of relationship with me they're going to have to respect some major boundaries. 

Should I attempt it? Or is it better to just maintain the TO and keep playing ghost? FTR, since the TO began my dad has maintained his own silence and my mom has pretended like everything is normal during the few times we've been in contact. It unnerves me and pisses me off, which I know just means I'm still enmeshed because I'm letting them get under my skin even in their silence/feigned ignorance. Looks like my spine still has quite a ways to go. Ugh.

ETA to fix font size

Hi there, I am new to this forum but have been reading posts on here periodically and have wanted to participate for a while. 

I am looking for outside opinions on how to deal with a new financial setback my husband and I are experiencing.  After we married, my mil informed us that we would now be responsible for paying the debt down on my mil's parent plus loan, in addition to our other student loans.  Technically, parent plus loans are the responsibility of the parent to pay off and they legally can't be transfered to the stuent.  I asked her how much the total balance was, and she informed me it was just under $38,000.  We already have $38,547 in student loan debt along with about $11,000 in credit card debt which would bring our total student debt up to over $76,000 and our total debt about $87,000.  With the new debt, we will use just under half our income on debt, and with our other expenses such as medicine, doctor visits (can be expensive because we dont have insurance), gas, FOOD, etc., we will hardly be able to get by.  The budget I worked out puts us in the red, before we even factor in food.  Anyways, my mil knows our financial situation and says she would pay off her parent plus loan if her husband "allowed her to" but her "hands are tied".  I want to have a baby but with this new financial burden, I truly feel like it would be an irresponsible choice and I wouldnt feel right doing it.  My husband thinks it's our responsibility to pay the debt, which I can appreciate, but at the same time I feel it's really financially irresponsible to take out that particular kind of debt (parent plus loans have super high interest, cant be consolidated, etc) and then expect your just-graduated college student to be able to somehow afford the payments.  Anyhow, I just want to hear some outside perspectives, so I can figure out which of us is being unreasonable and which is the right way to handle this situation.