Hi, long time BBC member and lurker, first post under anonymous SN because people IRL know my other one. So this will probably be long.
Some background, my MIL is my BEC. She's not dangerous, but she tends to annoy me. We're just very different; she is really intense and extreme and everything to her is either THE BEST or THE WORST. My DH is opposite, really calm and down to earth. The first time I met his parents, he even warned me, "my mom can be a little bit much sometimes, just let me know when you're ready to leave." So I really think he gets it. She is also not particularly bright and, even worse, likes to pretend to be more clueless than she actually is, as if that's cute or something. And she's as PA as they come.
She was visiting one evening this week and DS1 and DS2 were outside playing. She and I were outside too. DH was inside at the time (he doesn't make me entertain her, he had to take an urgent phone call for work.) DS1 is on the swing and she starts breathing all hard and telling him not to go so high or he might fall. I said, "oh, he's okay." A few minutes later, DS2 is running around the yard and picks up a stick and she says, "oh no, honey, no stick! Put the stick down, yucky." So now my side eye is coming out and I said, "We let him pick up sticks." I will say that the kids didn't pay any attention to her. She seemed to sulk a little but she quit after that. I told DH later, very matter of factly, that I may have made his mom upset earlier and told him what happened. He shook his head and said, "she'll get over it."
Fast forward to today. I couldn't find my phone earlier this evening so I grabbed DH's to call myself (anyone else have to do this a lot? Ugh.) Anyway, I unlocked it and he had left his text screen open with a convo from MIL. I saw my name so I read it. This is an approximate translation, since I didn't screen shot it:
MIL: "I would like to send a text to OP based on her treatment of me Wednesday. This is what I want to say - "OP, do you think I am an unfit grandmother? I am hurt and offended by the way you speak to me. I love DS1 and DS2 and I am not sure why you don't want me to play with them. I simply wanted them to be careful because I don't want them to get hurt. I don't think you needed to shut me down that way."
DH: "Mom, don't send that. We've all had a long week and are really tired since DS1 has been sick."
MIL: "This isn't about being tired. This is not the first time she has "corrected" me and I don't appreciate it. I just don't feel like she likes me very much since the kids have been born and that hurts me because all I do is try to treat her like a daughter."
DH: "Mom, you know OP loves you. She's had a hard week and is under a lot of stress. You're making too big of a deal about this."
Now... my DH is the most non-confrontational person I know, which is why all the JADE. He's done it as long as I've known him. He hates conflict and doesn't like to get anyone upset, probably in no small part due to ****TRIGGER**** his father being physically and emotionally abusive whenever he was "challenged" by his sons. *End trigger.* He likes to lay some or all of the weight on outside circumstances, like being tired or sick or the weather, rather than just saying No, it's not okay, period. I know he could use therapy.
These texts came through late this afternoon and DH hasn't mentioned it to me. I'm wondering, do I bring it up with him? Do I bring it up with MIL? The thing is, she isn't totally wrong... I do like her less since I've had kids because I hate how she alternates between fretting and hovering and squealing and pretending to be GMOTY with them. Before, she was just amusing but exhausting. But I don't think she's evil, the kids do love her, and they live close by so we see her once a month or so. Still, I'm the mom, I'm standing there watching my kids, so I don't think she should be telling them what to do or not do. And I don't like how she relayed the event to my husband: that she was playing with the kids (she was just watching) and that I "corrected" her (and yes, she used the quotes.) And saying she treats me like a daughter is ridiculous, because I'm NOT her flipping daughter and I don't want or expect to be treated that way. But maybe that's just BEC?
So what do you think, ask DH about it? Tell him he needs to actually back me up without all the JADE? Or give him some time to bring it up?
Some background, my MIL is my BEC. She's not dangerous, but she tends to annoy me. We're just very different; she is really intense and extreme and everything to her is either THE BEST or THE WORST. My DH is opposite, really calm and down to earth. The first time I met his parents, he even warned me, "my mom can be a little bit much sometimes, just let me know when you're ready to leave." So I really think he gets it. She is also not particularly bright and, even worse, likes to pretend to be more clueless than she actually is, as if that's cute or something. And she's as PA as they come.
She was visiting one evening this week and DS1 and DS2 were outside playing. She and I were outside too. DH was inside at the time (he doesn't make me entertain her, he had to take an urgent phone call for work.) DS1 is on the swing and she starts breathing all hard and telling him not to go so high or he might fall. I said, "oh, he's okay." A few minutes later, DS2 is running around the yard and picks up a stick and she says, "oh no, honey, no stick! Put the stick down, yucky." So now my side eye is coming out and I said, "We let him pick up sticks." I will say that the kids didn't pay any attention to her. She seemed to sulk a little but she quit after that. I told DH later, very matter of factly, that I may have made his mom upset earlier and told him what happened. He shook his head and said, "she'll get over it."
Fast forward to today. I couldn't find my phone earlier this evening so I grabbed DH's to call myself (anyone else have to do this a lot? Ugh.) Anyway, I unlocked it and he had left his text screen open with a convo from MIL. I saw my name so I read it. This is an approximate translation, since I didn't screen shot it:
MIL: "I would like to send a text to OP based on her treatment of me Wednesday. This is what I want to say - "OP, do you think I am an unfit grandmother? I am hurt and offended by the way you speak to me. I love DS1 and DS2 and I am not sure why you don't want me to play with them. I simply wanted them to be careful because I don't want them to get hurt. I don't think you needed to shut me down that way."
DH: "Mom, don't send that. We've all had a long week and are really tired since DS1 has been sick."
MIL: "This isn't about being tired. This is not the first time she has "corrected" me and I don't appreciate it. I just don't feel like she likes me very much since the kids have been born and that hurts me because all I do is try to treat her like a daughter."
DH: "Mom, you know OP loves you. She's had a hard week and is under a lot of stress. You're making too big of a deal about this."
Now... my DH is the most non-confrontational person I know, which is why all the JADE. He's done it as long as I've known him. He hates conflict and doesn't like to get anyone upset, probably in no small part due to ****TRIGGER**** his father being physically and emotionally abusive whenever he was "challenged" by his sons. *End trigger.* He likes to lay some or all of the weight on outside circumstances, like being tired or sick or the weather, rather than just saying No, it's not okay, period. I know he could use therapy.
These texts came through late this afternoon and DH hasn't mentioned it to me. I'm wondering, do I bring it up with him? Do I bring it up with MIL? The thing is, she isn't totally wrong... I do like her less since I've had kids because I hate how she alternates between fretting and hovering and squealing and pretending to be GMOTY with them. Before, she was just amusing but exhausting. But I don't think she's evil, the kids do love her, and they live close by so we see her once a month or so. Still, I'm the mom, I'm standing there watching my kids, so I don't think she should be telling them what to do or not do. And I don't like how she relayed the event to my husband: that she was playing with the kids (she was just watching) and that I "corrected" her (and yes, she used the quotes.) And saying she treats me like a daughter is ridiculous, because I'm NOT her flipping daughter and I don't want or expect to be treated that way. But maybe that's just BEC?
So what do you think, ask DH about it? Tell him he needs to actually back me up without all the JADE? Or give him some time to bring it up?