Sorry but this is going to be a long one. Please read it and give me your input.
FILs and I have always had a good relationship, but there were times I felt indifferent towards them and a slight sense of annoyance toward them. Fast forward to when I found out I was preg. FILs were ecstatic when we told them. FFIL actually cried over the news. This is their first grandchild and it happens to be a girl...even more reason for excitement, as they always wanted a girl but never had one.
I can remember one time telling FMIL that she shouldn't worry, finance and I would be getting married very soon. She told me that it didn't really matter, as they already got what they wanted. Naturally, she said it in "such a sweet and delicate manner". I didn't say anything (I keep quite about things) but I was pretty appalled and told finance about it. I told him that her comment made me feel like a baby factory. He wasn't sure how to take it at first, but then realized that t was messed up. Still though, he tried to down play it.
FMIL has a bit of a princess attitude. She was raised in a different country and had maids. I started to get bothered when she would come over, as she never cleaned up after herself and usually expect us to cook for her and take her dirty plate to the sink. It didn't bother me too much at first but when I was pregnant, I started to get pretty annoyed. I remember when I was about six months pregnant, buying $50 worth of groceries to cook for her and FFIL and my finance. I cooked the entire dinner on my feet for over an hour and then had to clean up after her and FFIL. Once again, I was pretty annoyed.
Next offense was at my baby shower when I was seven months pregnant. She and my mom went shopping for food the day before. We decided on a platter that couldn't be picked up until the day of the shower. She said she would send her husband to pick it up. When she got to our house, I asked where it was and she gave me a “deer in headlights†look before giving me some bs reason as to why he couldn't pick it up. So, my sister and I had to go and get it, pay for it and we were late to my own shower as a result. We had about 40 people at our house. Not only did she wear a very inappropriate dress, per usual, but she also didn't lift a finger to help clean up after. Instead, she sat outside and drank with her husband, son and his gf, which she sees allll the time. My mom, sister and myself ended up cleaning up after everyone. She came inside as we were almost finished and asked if we needed help. Thanks but no thanks. We were obviously almost done!
Finance took me out of town for mothers day and invited his parents to come along. I made it very clear to him how upset I was about that. I didn't want them there. Plus, this was going to be my last vacation before we had the baby. FMIL and I were talking about T.V. She asked me if I was going to let her granddaughter watch T.V. I told her sure and that I would follow pediatricians advice on how much time. She gave me a speech about how I shouldn't listen to them and do my own research. To which I replied that they are the experts and went to school for seven years plus. I think its good to do your own research with certain things, but at the end of the day, I didn't go to school for to specialize in children. It just really got under my skin, like she was trying to tell me how to parent MY DD.
FMIL was very pushy when we discussed names for DD. Finance and I finally decided that once we picked a name, we wouldn't tell anyone. Well, that's what we were telling people, when in reality, it was so FMIL would stop with her opinions. After DD was born, we announced her name, and she wasn't thrilled with it (but really...like I care). She asked me how long we knew and when I told her about three months, she reacted like, “OMG, you knew THAT long and didn't tell me?â€. I laughed and simply told her, “yesâ€. This is my first child and I was having a difficult time breastfeeding in the hospital. She came to visit and didn't leave for roughly four hours!!! Yes you read that correctly. I am a pretty conservative person and didn't want to feed DD in front of her or anyone besides my finance, but she wouldn't leave after I hinted to her that it was time to feed DD and I was sleepy. Lo and behold I had to pull out my breast in front of her while I was fumbling to get covered. I know I should have spoken up, but it's like I lose my voice when it comes to confrontation (I'm working on that big time).
Finance and I decided before DD was born that we wanted to spend the first week with DD by ourselves so we could bond with her and attempt to find a groove. When FILs heard they were very upset with us. FMIL told finance that we have the rest of our lives to bond with DD among other things. Finance almost caved but I was adamant about it, and he ultimately agreed that it was best to stick to our plan and not give into them. Plus, it's not exactly fair when my parents only saw DD when I was in the hospital for one day. FILs live 10 mins away from us and saw DD every day we were there. When FILs come to the house to see DD things are okay. Visits are relatively short (by their standards). I was in the kitchen on their (I believe third) visit, when I hear finance getting upset. FMIL put DD on her stomach, face down on the changing pad. DD couldn't hold her head up and probably couldn't breath. And what little air she was getting was all nasty from being on the changing pad. Finance told his mom (calmly) to not do it. FMIL first gave him a blank stare then said, “I didn't do thatâ€. Finance said, “yes you did! I just watched you!!â€. FMIL replied, “oh, well it's not a big deal.†Finance was livid at that point. (DD had a terrible dairy allergy that we didn't know about at the time and was beyond fussy. Naturally, we were pretty stressed out). Finance started to get snippy with FMIL when FFIL chimed in standing up for his wife. Things just kept escalating and finance told them to leave. They just sat there. Finance went upstairs to cool off and I went to try to talk to them and be the voice of reason. FMIL started to fake cry and they both were very defensive, so I told them it was best to go home and let emotions settle. Mind you, they stayed for at least 30 mins after the fight broke out. The whole time I was thinking that finance told them to leave and they weren't going to see DD, so what's the point of staying besides to try to manipulate me? A couple of days after the fight, FFIL came over to talk. I told him that after they leave, I have to clean up after them, especially FMIL, and how I don't think that's fair. I continued to say how I have to hold fussy DD in one arm and pick up trash/do dishes with the other. He didn't like that at all.
Finance grew more and more disconcerted and refused to see them or talk to them. FILs felt like they needed an apology which finance wasn't going to give. FMIL came over to see DD before I left to go to my parent's house out of town. She precedes to tell me how awful finance was as a teenager, how she doesn't understand how I deal with him and blah blah blah. But what really got my attention was when she proclaimed how she thought he might be bipolar. Now this is coming from a lady who has a B.S. in psychology (that by no means makes her any kind of expert or anything even close, but I would think that someone with a B.S. in psychology would at least know how to define one with bipolar disorder). Finance clearly does not have it, a little temper, yes, but bipolar...no f'ing way (even if he did have it, it wouldn't change how I feel about him...i love this man despite his flaws!).
I am in school full time and graduating in two weeks. FMIL offered to help and babysit so I could study (classes are online). At first I thought how wonderful this lady was to sacrifice her time to help me out. Turns out I believe she had another agenda. Finance did not want me to let FILs see DD under any circumstance, he would've rathered daycare or a babysitter. I have a bleeding heart and didn't want to separate them from their first granddaughter. So, I would take DD over there once a week, sometimes twice for 2-3 hours so they could spend time and I could take care of school. I had to go to her house, as she was too upset from the fight and our house “had a bad vibeâ€, so she couldn't stand to be there (really?!) I didn't tell finance about the bipolar comment for two weeks, as I knew it would upset him and I was trying to keep the peace. I kept trying to get them together to make up. FMIL wanted him to bend over backwards apologizing up and down and all around (you get the point), and finance wouldn't dream of doing so. When I told finance about the comment he as naturally livid and he told me that he tried to warn me about her and now hopefully I see her for who she really is. When I would pick up DD, I would tell FMIL about finance's new job and how great it/his is/are. She would go from smiling to stink face anytime I would mention him.
Finance and I came up with the solution and that was for me to visit my parents three days a week so they could help me and that way I wouldn't have to go to FILs. Plus finance just got a new job and has to travel a lot for training and whatnot. FMIL seemed to be okay with our decision and I told her I would try to come over once a week. During one of those visits, I told her how upset I was about the fight and I wanted everyone to make up. I even told her that I wanted to have a relationship with her, like going out to lunch, doing baby stuff, etc. since my mom doesn't live here. Not that I would ever want to replace my mom (I love her sooo incredibly much), but it would be nice to have that kind of relationship vibe.
One night I was out running errands with DD when she called and asked me to see DD. I suggested that I drop her off for 20 mins, as it was already 9 pm and I didn't want to be out any later. FMIL replied, “oh, that's actually better anywaysâ€. WTF? Better that I am not there?! I let that one slide. Then her sister was visiting from a couple of hours away and wanted to meet DD. I told her I wanted to hang out because I like the sister and hadn't seen her in a while. When I got to FILs house, FMIL told me after only five mins of being there, “you can leave nowâ€. FFIL looked at her and said, “she just got here, you're trying to run her out already?†I left feeling pretty upset and low. Turns out that FMILs sister had been chatting with finance about coming to our house to visit and meet DD. When FMIL found out from her sister the plan, she insisted that her sister go to her house...finance thinks that was a pretty sneaky move. I had no idea about any of this until I told him what FMIL said to me and how it made me feel. He completely sympathized with me, but still tried to get me to stop going over there. I finally agreed and that was that.
Life got waaay less stressful without them in my life. We hadn't seen them is two blissful months. Sure it was still difficult managing school full time with a two month old but finance and I were making it work. Finance's cousin lives in their home country and was visiting two weeks ago. They really wanted to see each other, so we reluctant went to FILs house. FMIL greeted me with the standard kiss on the cheek, but FFIL didn't want to. FMIL has been cold to me in the past with greetings and/or goodbyes but FFIL has always been so warm and welcoming, so it came as a bit of a shock when he I had to call his name and make him say bye to me. Anyway, I wasn't exactly warm and fuzzy over there, either. I was getting ready to feed DD when FMIL held out her hands and told me to give DD to her (mind you, she had just got done telling me that she went to the gym earlier in the day and hadn't showered. Pretty nasty IMO). I told her after DD ate that would be fine. FMIL wouldn't take no for an answer and when I handed DD to her, DD got all fussy and started kicking FMIL (that made me so proud 
). I told FMIL that she needed to eat and I wasn't being unreasonable.
After that visit, I was expressing how uncomfortable the whole thing made me and despite how horrible things were, I wanted for all of us to make up. I decided to ask her out to lunch. That was super awkward. I apologized for being rude and she didn't say a word, just smirked, looked down at her food and maybe 20 sec later asked me why that I thought that was. I had already decided I wasn't going to get into specifics over lunch to I told her stress and whatnot. When we were leaving lunch she gave me a wrapped up bag to give finance. She called me after lunch and was trying to pull on my heart strings and I told her I had decided to take visits slow. When finance got home from work, we opened it and it was a knife set we bought them for xmas last year. All I could say was, “wowâ€, and he said that his mom is a child.
Then there's Thanksgiving. His bro invited us to have it with his finance's family (little did we know that FILs were also attending) but we had plans to go to my parent's house. FMIL didn't call/text to wish us a happy Turkey day. That irked me. Next day was finance's bday. She did send a text in our group chat wishing a happy thanksgiving (the next day!) we no mention of finance's bday. Now I'm very mad and feel so bad for finance. Then last Sunday she texted us that she was making dinner and wanted us to come over. I replied that I wouldn't be able to make it.
I think that's everything. Once again, I'm sorry it was so ridiculously long. Any help would be so very helpful from you ladies!!!