This ended up very long, apologies...
I have a few older posts on here and will try to link BG:
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a52672258/how_to_gently_phrase_this?cpg=2#c2470438153
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a58711996/when_dropping_the_rope..._gaslighting_myself_pg_2_ud_pg_3_rage?cpg=4
My in law problems are at head right now. We haven't seen MIL or FIL in a year.
BG: All in laws (and there are a lot of them, all enmeshed) live 6 hours away in DH's hometown. Last halloween FIL and SMIL forced a visit. DH is a pilot and when they announced their visit he told them he was flying those dates and they said something to the effect of "doesn't matter, we're coming anyways". I freaked out at being left alone for an entire weekend with the PILs and DH ended up taking vacation days to accommodate their demands. Huge fail. While visiting, FIL said derogatory remarks to DS1, who was almost 3, about being a "baby" because he wasn't potty trained and when DS1 liked to wash his hands a lot, FIL said "Elmo is gay, too". I reamed DH after this and told him his father is not to be around the kids in the immediate future.
We were toying with the idea of going to DH's hometown for TG that year, and when we lost power at 11pm and it hadn't returned by 9am Thanksgiving day we set out on the road for the 6 hour trip. Dh had made it clear to FIL pretty soon after the halloween visit that we weren't going to visit him if we came to hometown for Thanksgiving, due to his remarks. DH and I had discussed staying in a hotel for the trip because we wanted to set the precedent that future visits would be hotel only (a lot of my BG is old and in the "how to tell them to stay in a hotel?" phase. Seems like a lifetime ago.) However, just before the trip MIL boasted that she had turned a spare room into a kid's bedroom and we both caved. (Yup, fails - fails, everwhere!). Sometime inbetween the FIL stuff and our TG visit, FIL apparently contacted MIL (they don't talk since the divorce) and invited her to a post-TG pizza party at his house with all the extended family invited. Super weird and obviously a ploy to get us and the grandchildren to attend.
We didn't go, stayed with MIL. I actually thought it was a decent visit. After DH fell asleep on the couch TG night, MIL and I stayed up talking and it led to what happened with FIL. I told her what he had said and she agreed, "I always told him to watch what he said around the kids!". A heart to heart, of sorts.
About a month after TG we had a birthday party for boths our LOs (same birth month). We didn't invite FIL, but MIL, MIL's DF and SIL came up and got a hotel room (we hadn't made the hotel boundary clear at this point, I think MIL assumed FIL would be there and so protocol for past group events at our house was for everyone to get a hotel so we didn't have to "pick" who got to stay with us.) MIL and Co. arrived on Friday night, I offered to have them over for dinner. Once we were all seated, MIL instructed SIL to say grace. Now, neither DH or I are religious (and everyone knows this) however DH was altar boy and everything when he was younger. Regardless of religious affiliations, I feel that this is a HUGE overstep and I am simply flabberghasted while DH proceeds to instruct DS1 how to fold his hands and pray. After dinner, DH takes the boys up for a bath and I start to clean up while MIL immediately starts loading the dishwasher. Important to note is that right before this visit DH attempted a CTJ-lite (like, "hey if you could just not do this one specific arbitrary thing then that'd be great, mmmkay?"). The one specific thing was touch the dishes. And there she was, all over them. I told her "you don't need to do that" and she responded "you just don't want me to!" and I said "you're right". Then she sulked off to the corner and said quick goodbyes when DH and the kids were done in the bath.
The next day was the birthday party and they arrived only a little before the scheduled time. It just so happened my mother died that morning (she had been CO for 7+ year). The party went on, however at one point I noticed that when I entered the living room to find something for one of the kids, that my MIL, who was sitting next to DH, suddenly stopped talking. Curious, I paused around the corner when I left the room and she started talking again. I heard things like "But he's your father" and "It''s not her business". When DH emerged from that I told him that the party's over and to send everyone home (PIL's back to hotel). SIL had texted us earlier in the day and we were considering it, but then MIL announced that SIL needed to sleep on our couch because she couldn't deal with MIL's DF's snoring. We didn't want to make SIL suffer (no issues with her specifically), so we said ok. However, we also have a finished basement with a TV, XBOX, Bose stereo system, heat, etc. So I went down and inflated our air mattress, put fresh sheets and pillows on it, etc. I baked muffins and made fruit salad that night because MIL and MIL's DF were coming over in the morning to say goodbye and pick up SIL. We also stayed up late playing board games with SIL (8 yrs younger than DH).
Oh and I had mentioned my mother passed away that morning - some of my friends that were there had known my mother either through working with her or from knowing me growing up. I was telling two of my friends in "private" (a secluded corner of the dining room) about my mom's passing and MIL walked up and immediately interjected "OMG how is your father doing?!" FTR, she's never met my father, nor my mother. My father has been CO longer than my mother and MIL hadn't ever met either of them. I just kind of stammered "I'm not sure..." and then everyone (but SIL, who was now a houseguest) hugged and left.
When the kids got up the next morning I let DH get them so he and SIL could have some private time, and since I had made the muffins and fruit salad the night before, the breakfast I was hosting was ready to go. The ILs said they'd be over around 8:30am, I got up at 8:45 and I could hear MIL complaining that I was still sleeping as I walked down the stairs. Breakfast was awkward, goodbye hugs were forced.
So if you're still with me, prior to this visit I was the go-to contact for MIL. I was the one with the kids all the time, knew their sizes and likes, etc. because DH traveled a lot for work. So she asked me all the kid related questions. Part of the CTJ-lite mentioned above that took place before the last visit was that MIL should take interest in ME. She had basically used me as a Siri, "DIL, was is my grandson's favorite cartoon?" "What size shoes does DS2 wear?" "What does DH want for a gift?" She never asked about me, and DH mentioned it and she said she'd make it happen (along with not touching the dishes, see how well that worked out?).
After the last visit in Dec 2014 she has texted me literally... 3x? Once on xmas and maybe twice on my birthday (once to say "happy birthday" and once to ask if I got the original text since I didn't respond immediately). I think maybe she thinks she has ME in a TO because I seemed unwelcoming or something during the last visit. Either way, woohoo! No contact. Awesome, right?
----BG ends here and current situation begins---
A few weeks ago she announced a visit out of the blue. She mentioned she had recently been caring for her sister who was recovering from a surgery and who is totally enmeshed with her adult kids, so I think MIL was feeling inspired.
DH is working hard at not being a DuH and has even posted on here for guidance recently (if you happen to correlate the posts, I ask you not to share as he wishes to have a separate online presence on here, thank you)
We're at the crossroads with MIL, she definitely knows that "something's up" however DH doesn't know where to go from here and frankly, nor do I. I really did like MIL at one point and I think if she can just tone it down a bit, and interact with me for something other to gain insight on someone's shoe size, we could be good again. I know she's my BEC right now, but it's been a year and I still can't stand her! Any inisight on how to resolve this?