Hi-I have posted a lot about my mil and during one of those posts started about my dad. I got pretty bruised from the responses and took a break from here. I have been back to lurking and am hoping to get some advice.
Trigger-My dad hurt my child. He threw him into a couch after spanking him. I took my lawyers advice on how to handle the situation and have since not had anything to do with him. My mom was our nanny and while she was good to us and our kids, the reality is she is the typical enabler. I have gone through months of now remembering things with the scales off the eyes and coming out of the FOG and honestly I'm still sick to my stomach about a lot. I can get into details later but for example, I was reading on here about a fil (I think) attempting to **trigger** kill a dog and I realized -holy crap -that happened in our house at least twice that I can remember and it was just normal and how the fuck could I not even remember?? End trigger***
Ugh. Anyways-my mom was terminated as our nanny a couple of days later and I tried to see her a couple of times but it was just awful so I put a stop to it. I've been processing a lot and need to get back into therapy-and want my son in it as well. I have some names and need to reach out to them for him.
My brother revealed that he remembers -another potential trigger-my dad throwing him into a couch with my dads hand around his neck when he was a child. End trigger. Yet this same brother asked me "what did ods do?" (To get my dads anger I guess). Which to me says he still doesn't get that this stuff is bad and my child never in a million years, no matter what he did, deserved that treatment. That is not what he said but as I told my brother. "It doesn't matter what he did" my brother said "I know" and moved on.
My dad has done stupid shit in the meantime including going to my pastor-not his church. There are so many things I'm processing about my dad and what he has put myself and siblings and mom through. This same brother went through a lot of internal processing of everything from our childhood several years ago and was trying to talk to me about it and I listened but just moved on unfortunately.
My issue-besides dealing with all of this in terms of losing both my husbands and now my parents over the last 1.5 years due to co, is everyone else in my extended family. We didn't go to holiday parties but did see both my brothers for Christmas. Both my brothers have declined recent invitations for birthday parties, kids sporting events. They live several miles away and in the past never missed.
I have many aunts and uncles whom I have weakly tried to keep in contact with. One of my uncles passed so I reached out to most of his siblings. Some were short but responded. My closest aunt I wished a happy birthday to a month ago and she never responded and she didn't send my daughter a birthday card (something done for all my kids for every year).
My extended family I don't believe know the extent of my siblings and my childhood. My dad would tantrum and then we were all expected to move past. I don't think they know this. They have had pause with the co of my mil so I'm assuming they think I'm unloving and unforgiving (as my mom said). I know my dad told my brother he "tapped ods and PLACED" him in the couch so I'm assuming that is what he told everyone else.
Do I just drop the rope with everyone? I'm at the point where I want to just mourn all the relationships I had or work to build independent relationships. My dad and his many siblings are not exactly enmeshed but very close. I'm torn between reaching out and trying to explain my story but why hasn't anyone contacted me in like 5 months? I feel like no one knows the truth and the people that do are so fucked up with their normal meters they truly believe I am wrong or something. Sorry this is all over the place.
I am trying to be strong but at the same time wondering if all of these relationships are just gone. Do I lump them all together and write off? Just drop the rope with everyone and let them think What they want? Or do I reach out and say-"my relationship with my parents has soured and I wish to not go into details as it is too painful. I hope we can maintain an independent relationship but if we can't, then it is good to know now so we can move on. "
Thanks in advance.
Trigger-My dad hurt my child. He threw him into a couch after spanking him. I took my lawyers advice on how to handle the situation and have since not had anything to do with him. My mom was our nanny and while she was good to us and our kids, the reality is she is the typical enabler. I have gone through months of now remembering things with the scales off the eyes and coming out of the FOG and honestly I'm still sick to my stomach about a lot. I can get into details later but for example, I was reading on here about a fil (I think) attempting to **trigger** kill a dog and I realized -holy crap -that happened in our house at least twice that I can remember and it was just normal and how the fuck could I not even remember?? End trigger***
Ugh. Anyways-my mom was terminated as our nanny a couple of days later and I tried to see her a couple of times but it was just awful so I put a stop to it. I've been processing a lot and need to get back into therapy-and want my son in it as well. I have some names and need to reach out to them for him.
My brother revealed that he remembers -another potential trigger-my dad throwing him into a couch with my dads hand around his neck when he was a child. End trigger. Yet this same brother asked me "what did ods do?" (To get my dads anger I guess). Which to me says he still doesn't get that this stuff is bad and my child never in a million years, no matter what he did, deserved that treatment. That is not what he said but as I told my brother. "It doesn't matter what he did" my brother said "I know" and moved on.
My dad has done stupid shit in the meantime including going to my pastor-not his church. There are so many things I'm processing about my dad and what he has put myself and siblings and mom through. This same brother went through a lot of internal processing of everything from our childhood several years ago and was trying to talk to me about it and I listened but just moved on unfortunately.
My issue-besides dealing with all of this in terms of losing both my husbands and now my parents over the last 1.5 years due to co, is everyone else in my extended family. We didn't go to holiday parties but did see both my brothers for Christmas. Both my brothers have declined recent invitations for birthday parties, kids sporting events. They live several miles away and in the past never missed.
I have many aunts and uncles whom I have weakly tried to keep in contact with. One of my uncles passed so I reached out to most of his siblings. Some were short but responded. My closest aunt I wished a happy birthday to a month ago and she never responded and she didn't send my daughter a birthday card (something done for all my kids for every year).
My extended family I don't believe know the extent of my siblings and my childhood. My dad would tantrum and then we were all expected to move past. I don't think they know this. They have had pause with the co of my mil so I'm assuming they think I'm unloving and unforgiving (as my mom said). I know my dad told my brother he "tapped ods and PLACED" him in the couch so I'm assuming that is what he told everyone else.
Do I just drop the rope with everyone? I'm at the point where I want to just mourn all the relationships I had or work to build independent relationships. My dad and his many siblings are not exactly enmeshed but very close. I'm torn between reaching out and trying to explain my story but why hasn't anyone contacted me in like 5 months? I feel like no one knows the truth and the people that do are so fucked up with their normal meters they truly believe I am wrong or something. Sorry this is all over the place.
I am trying to be strong but at the same time wondering if all of these relationships are just gone. Do I lump them all together and write off? Just drop the rope with everyone and let them think What they want? Or do I reach out and say-"my relationship with my parents has soured and I wish to not go into details as it is too painful. I hope we can maintain an independent relationship but if we can't, then it is good to know now so we can move on. "
Thanks in advance.