I have some BG here, but it pertains to my FOO, so not relevant in this situation.
BG: DH and I have been on ITO from ILs for two years after they lost their ever-loving minds over our wedding and things continued to crash and burn afterwards. It was consuming our life, so we finally said enough and told them no contact until we were ready. It took me the better part of a year to heal mentally and physically. Of course there have been various inventive attempts to break the TO, in addition to a host of FM. We have been the BH for all of it. I can provide further details if needed.
Our first LO is due to arrive in about a month. This is the first GC on both sides. To our knowledge, ILs still don't know about the pregnancy. DH and I agreed that nothing would be changing until after baby is here and we have settled into life as a new family of three. According to DH, MIL is baby crazy. DH is certain that the BSC we saw around our wedding will pale compared to what will ensue once they find out about LO. GPR is on our radar.
DH has been working with a counselor to process the situation. As nice and easy as BHing has been, DH feels that he needs to "stand up" and use his words. By continuing to BH, ILs and their FMs figure they can continue to fling their arrows without fear of repercussions. I think that feeling has been exacerbated due to the influx of FMs we experienced leading up to the holidays and MIL's recent birthday letter to DH asking him to sneak around behind my back to have a relationship with her.
The counselor is supportive of this. When we're ready, he wants DH to respond by asking reflective questions. Like asking MIL why she thought sending a letter was a good idea when we said no contact, and asking why she thought asking DH to lie to his wife was appropriate. Unless their response is a change of attitude/apology, we resend the TO letter and ITO/BH again until we feel like answering, following the same format.
Something about this doesn't quite sit right with me. It feels like we'd be giving ILs what they want and they will take it as a "win". I also feel that using questions like that invites a dialogue and ILs will think they have a say in our life/marriage (one of the issues we had with them pre-TO). On the other hand, if DH is really ready for that contact at some point, he/we need to do what's right for us and we can't control what ILs think/feel. They only get a say in our life if we give it to them, and neither of us will be doing that.
Thoughts? Advice?