Lurker gone anon. Read the sticky. I've got my BGP on. This is long. TLDR at the end.
Background contains TRIGGERS
I've had a rocky relationship with my dad for my entire life. We haven't talked in several years. My parents divorced when I was about 2. There were allegations of abuse, addiction, and cheating. I feel like I am still paying for my parents mistakes as a child. However, I don't identify with or remember that part of my life and can't help but feel confused when it is brought up. Does that make sense?
TRIGGER
I was abused as an infant and toddler. It quickly became a blame game over who did it. Honestly, it really looks like it was my dad but it was never confirmed since I was afraid to speak in court. Unfortunately every male family member was accused during my parent's custody battle. This has caused me to have some trust issues. I don't really remember any of this (sorry if it's confusing) but it has been brought up throughout my life.I was put in therapy at a very young age to deal with it.
My one safe place had always been my Nanna and Poppa. My mom did the best she could in raising me as a single mom.
My dad was in a serious motorcycle accident while my parents were divorcing. As a result of his injuries, he became heavily addicted to oxycontin (sp?) He also had horrible anger problems. He scared me. After 30 years he is finally off the pain meds, and seems to be doing a lot better from what I hear.
Sorry this is long - Basically there were several times in my life that my dad and I would stop speaking for years at a time. It started when I was about 6 and he told me we couldn't see eachother till I was 18. He said my mom was making his life too hard and he couldnt handle it. At this point he had remarried and had my brother and sister. We would always end up seeing reuniting because I would contact my aunt to see if she could let me see my brother and sister. Other times were because I was afraid of his temper and I didn't know how to handle him. Ex. He wanted to take me with the family to Canada but I was afraid to be in a car with him for that long. He had really intense road rage. As a result, he didn't talk to me for 5 years. I tried living with him twice as a teen but his anger was always an issue. The last time was when I was 18 and going to college FT and working 2 jobs. My dad wanted me to get emancipated since I was living with him and still paying my mom child support. I felt really pressured and uncomfortable. He wouldnt talk to me for days and just didnt come home one night. Turns out he was dog sitting for my aunt but I didn't know that at the time. I packed my stuff up and went back to my moms house.
My GM has always been his enabler. She still sees him as a little boy who was dealt a bad hand. Her love for me seemed to be conditional and only if I was speaking with my dad. I thought her and I were finally starting to have our own relationship. I just called her yesterday for Mother's Day. I'm close with my brother, sister, and cousins on that side. She blames my mom and grandparents for mine and my dad's problems. She never aknowledges his faults or my abuse. I've shut her down when she tried to bad mouth my mom's side and told her they were not at fault. Clearly that didn't work. I'm a mom now and I don't want this vile woman around my daughter or my dh.
Current problem: GM wrote me letters throughout the years and gave them to my sister to give to me today (along with some baby pictures.) My sister didn't read them and now feels horrible that she didn't just toss them. Most paint my dad as a victim. One is so cruel and mean that I feel really shaken up right now. It was in response to a card I had sent her in 2007 to try and reach out to her. I never received a response but just now received her burn letter reply.
I am currently looking for a new therapist. My question is: Do I contact her and let her know that I no longer wish to have a relationship with her? Do I ignore it and just avoid going where she will be? I think that avoiding confrontation in the past had led to her thinking this is ok. I just don't now how to process this.
I'm sorry this is so long. I still feel like I missed a lot of details so let me know if you have any questions. She typed up the letters including my card. My card is attached and her reply is in the comments below. Not hair flipping...I have a 4 month old and I'm sleep deprived.
TLDR: Grandma enables father with anger issues. She sent me a nasty letter about 10 years after writing it and I don't know how to reply.
